Sex & Romance
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Sleep Groping
1.5 months married (have been dating 5 years, living together for 3) and I feel we've just hit our first real bump in the road. Hubby has always been a sleep groper but usually just when I come to bed when he is already there and asleep. Me getting in bed and snuggling up next to him seems to get his unconscious naughty side going and he gets grabby. Depending on how late it is/how i'm feeling I will either go with the flow and end up getting it on (which is always interesting too see him "wake up" in mid-action. lol) or attempt to wake him to make him stop (which he does once he's awake). Last night was different. We had been in bed and sleeping soundly for several hours when I woke up to my breasts being roughly handled and the one nipple being pinched, hard. I was caught completely off guard and panicked at first and screamed a little which I think woke him up. I pushed away and got as far as I could to the other side of our bed. He mumbled something like "I didn't touch you" and went back to sleep. I had a difficult time falling back asleep, was super irritated that he had woken me up in the middle of the night and i'm now exhausted today. When I told him this morning that I felt violated and that it had really bothered me, let alone deprived me of much needed rest, he was not sympathetic. He seems to think it's just something he does and that i'm in the wrong for being upset that it happened at an inopportune time. I'm feeling very hurt that he has brushed this issue aside and it is still bothering me. Alternate Perspective? Please HELP!
Re: Sleep Groping
He needs the help of a sleep clinic. It would be a good idea.
This is some type of sleep disorder -- I'm no shrink and I'm not a neurologist but something sure is going on when he's in REM sleep or whatever it is.
Bouncing this idea off a therapist/psychologist would help, also.
If what he is doing is making you uncomfortable or upsetting you, then he needs to have what's happening looked into and abated or stopped completely. And if he cares about you, he'll get help for his problem. GL.
It sounds to me like he may have some deeper issues. Time to see a therapist.
He should not be dismissing your feelings. It wasn't him that was violated in the middle of the night and I wonder how he might feel if it had been him.
Definitely seek help from a professional that's trained to deal in sleep disorders, but you may also want to set up a video camera or some kind of surveillance so he can actually see what's happening during the night.
It sounds like he genuinely isn't aware of what he's doing, which is common for sleepwalkers, so perhaps seeing it might give him a new perspective.
That's what I thought as well.
I guess it's ok to molest a man when he's sleeping because men are sex hungry dogs anyway and like it? Maybe your H figured you'd like being woken up that way since you do it to him. Honestly, I'd be so ready for action if DH woke me up by fondling me. I don't see any red flags here. He probably acted like your complaint was ridiculous because it is.
Well I definitely wouldn't call it messing with him. It's not something I feel that I initiate. When I come to bed and starts touching or kissing me and it seems like he's doing it unconsciously, I always try and wake him up to see if he really wants to go further. It is difficult sometimes to tell if he is really awake or not but he's never complained or been upset when things have gone further and he comes to. Maybe "funny" wasn't the right word... although it has been something we both joke about. Guess it's time to start looking at this behavior more seriously
I'm sorry that you feel that men are sex hungry dogs. I do not share your view & it's never okay to molest anyone! Sure hope you get some action soon....
Thanks for the positive advice! We're communicating on the issue a little better now (a few nights undisturbed sleep sure helps!) and are considering some professional assistance
Thank you. Great Idea with the video camera! We're gonna try with the one we have but we may have to leave some light on since I don't think it will capture very well in the dark. I wonder if the light will make a difference if he does or doesn't do it? I guess if it does, there's our answer, leave a light on!
Thank you! That's exactly what we ended up talking about actually... what if the situation was reversed? And then he recalls how irritated he is if he gets woken up when I have a super early morning at work and he doesn't have to be up for a few hours...I feel like he's hearing me now and we're back to communicating better at least.
I agree with this.
Also, the whole being rough with you chest and then muttering something like I didn't touch you seems like he may be use to denying touching girls with out their consent. Kind of like a subconscious thing. It is hard to explain what that sounds like to me but I also agree a therapist may be needed.
Mommy loves you Eevee!
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I'm pretty sure you were just the one on the other board saying that men who enjoy pedicures must be gay. It's funny, because I kinda think you give us a bad name. Also, what the hell? Breastfeeding is completely different than this. If you honestly think having your nipple pinched hard is the same concept as pain associated with breastfeeding, that's messed up.
The fact is, I don't blame her - that's uncomfortable. Not every kind of sexual contact is pleasant. She said sometimes it proceeds from there, which probably means it was pleasant. If he did something she found uncomfortable while they were awake, she would have every right to say something. Why should it be different just because they were sleeping? I agree that maybe a sleep clinic could help.
Please explain to me why you haven't taken the simpler step of making him stop, even if it takes waking him up. MH does this occasionally, and if I'm interested we proceed, and if I'm not I make it clear that he needs to stop and let me sleep. I don't think screaming over a nipple pinch and freaking out in the middle of the night is doing anyone any favors.
It sounds to me like sleep sex is the only kind this guy gets, so can you really blame him?