Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
need advice - is it ok to love a new baby after giving another child up for adoption?
This will probably sound irrational, but I need some advice - hopefully from another birth mother.
My H and I have been married less than a month and already I am expecting - just found out this week. Years ago i gave up another child for adoption. Simply because I was not able to provide a stable, safe, healthy home for him. Since I did not have that chance to have the Mom bond/chance to love the first child, I am wondering if I will be able to love this one. Is it ok to love the new baby?
We did talk about having children together and how to tell he/she/them about their big brother. The idea that I would doubt my being able to love another child never came up.
Our Little Miracle - Raymond Clifford Jr
Re: need advice - is it ok to love a new baby after giving another child up for adoption?
Sorry for your troubles.
Please remember that years ago, standards and things were a great deal different then they are now. There was quite the stigma attached to a woman who gave birth out of wedlock.
Did you ever get counseling after you bore that child? If not, it would be ideal if you got some now; you've got guilt issues and you probably also never got closure.
Know that you did the right thing. Your child was adopted into a home where parents could provide him or her with everything he or she needed.
It's perfectly fine to love another child.
Wishing you luck. Take care.
I am not a birth mom but I do know someone who gave up a child when they were basically a child themselves. I think it takes enormous heart and a lot of love to realize that you're not ready to be a Mom and to entrust your child's well being to someone else. It may feel like a different kind of love than what you'll feel with a child in your home, but I have no doubt that you loved your first born enough to say that they deserved more than you could give them at the time.
I do think that if you're struggling with this now, being newly pregnant, it probably would be best for you to talk to someone about how you're feeling. A family therapist may be able to provide you with some guidance on how to cope with what you've got on your mind.
I was adopted, my H was adopted, and both of us have "half-siblings" that our respective birthmothers have had since getting married. We are in touch with our birthfamilies which helps I am sure (DH's birthmom- her husband and thier 2 girls are staying with us this weekend). I think its normal for many women, not just birthmoms, but anyone who gets pregnant, or has a second child to wonder if they will be able to love thier child/love thier child as much as thier first....somehow they do! I don't think having placed a child for adoption diminishes your ability to love, if anything I would imagine in might increase it knowing how precious those moments are.
Are you in an open adoption with your child? I just wonder because you sound scared to emotionally connect with your emotions around that child and a potential future child.
Of course its ok to love another child, but in your case, you may want to seek out some support or counselling so that you can find peace with the idea. Contact an adoption support group in your area, many are able to provide birthparent support as well as.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
Please do not equate giving up your child with not loving him!
Being willing to part with your child because you could not provide a safe, stable, healthy home for him is one of the most loving and selfless thing a mother can do!!!
Your circumstances are different now, so you will be able to make a different choice with this child.
Absolutely is it OK to love your new baby!! It was an unselfish and loving thing to do putting your first baby up for adoption. At that time, you weren't ready... due to circumstances in your life. The selfish thing to do was to keep the baby, and not give that baby love and care, and a stable home.
Do not feel guilty. It will all work out. Wishing you the best!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Giving your child up for adoption was probably one of the most selfless, caring, truly amazing things that you could have done. You couldn't provide the life he deserved, and you did what was best for him. You've already proven that you're an amazing mother. Baby #2 deserves the same thing, and I'm sure you'll do great.
However, if you're really struggling, counseling isn't a bad option.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Sounds to me like you've been a good and loving mom for many years now. You loved your first child enough to make the best choice you can and you'll make the best choices you can for this child in your womb.
I think as this child grows up, you'll be wondering about the first child a lot and I think a support group or counseling can help with that