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Not inviting my In-laws to my son's baby shower
We are having a baby shower for my son and his girlfriend next Saturday. I am actually just helping a little bit... my son's girlfriend's sisters and mom pretty much planned everything.
Just a little background:
I've been married to my husband almost two years. When we first started dating, my son just started his first year in college. That was four years ago. My son hasn't attended any family get-togethers/Holidays with my In-laws just because he either was at school or he would spend the Holiday with his dad and/or girlfriend. Thinking back, I feel hurt because when any of my sister-in-laws would host a holiday, they never extended the invitation to my son, except one time, one of them did. Not sure if they just figured he's a young adult doing his own thing, They've met my son and his girlfriend many times... at my wedding rehearsal and wedding, and we've had a few family functions at our house where my son was home.
So after I found out my son and his girlfriend of two and half years were having a baby, I was really upset at first. When we first told my mother and father in law, back in April, they knew I was upset. I cried a little bit. The rest of my husband's family found out through them. I've seen the whole family at least a dozen times, and not one of them asked me how my son and his girlfriend are doing, how she's feeling, when she's due... except for my brother-in-law's wife,. She reached out to me and was very supportive... thier daughter was young and got pregnant out of wedlock too.
So a few weeks ago when I was sending out invitations for the baby shower, my husband asked me who I was inviting, At that point I didn't feel right inviting his family, So I did not bring up his family... he didn't even ask why I wasn't inviting them or suggested to do so.
As I am thinking about this, I feel really hurt, from my husband and his family. I'm sure my sisters and my girlfriends who are going to be at the shower will ask why my husband's family isn't there, Should I tell the truth? Or just say we wanted the shower to be small and intimate...
I am very emotional right now, and may just be senstiive. And that's why I wanted someone else's perspective,
Thank you!!
Re: Not inviting my In-laws to my son's baby shower
You have some major hang-ups about this and I think YOU need help.
Your son is 22, an adult. And in this day and age- people having kids w/o being married isn't the scarlet letter that you seem to think it still is. The other week you're posting about how you don't want your work ot know about your son, and now your posting that your upset that your IL's aren't more involved/ interested.
I realize they are 2 very seperate groups of people, but at the same time - you're embarassed by your son and clearly want to hide it, but then you also want people to inquire and ask about him. Somewhere in all of this, I am SURE you are sending these same mixed messages to your IL's.
Even w/ his being invited to family events. You even admit it- he just started college when you started dating your DH. And between that and seeing his dad - HE was busy and wasn't around a lot.
You're making this about "My IL's don't invite him and I'm hurt", but I actually wonder if you just said "Hey - my son will be in town, can yhe come", your ILs would probably welcome him w/ open arms.
Then the shower - first, I actually find it odd to invite YOUR IL's to a shower for your son's girlfriend. Yes, I realize it's for him too- but the mother to be is really the guest of honor and I doubt she hardly knows them and SHE may not even want them invited.
I'd find it odd to invite them. And you're not inviting them. But, BUT --- now that's a problem because now you're hurt that your DH isn't asking why they aren't invited.... HUH?????? FIrst, he's a guy. Most men don't think about that kind of thing. Second, as I said, I think it's a stretch for them to be invited anyhow. Third, then you turn it around and make it about YOU. YOU'RE hurt because you arne't inviting them.... again - HUH?????
You LOOK for things to be hurt about. That is so clear to me. You find wrong in what others do and LOOK for a reason to be offended.
Cripes. Do you know how hard this is to navigate? I'm sure your IL's know this about you and probably keep their distance from you. Having to to walk on eggshells around someone is EXHAUSTING, and I can guarentee you that your DH and your IL's feel that they have to do this.
And in turn, it probably does play a role in how they navigate your son. They don't want to do the wrong thing for fear of "hurting" you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Everything PP said.
And I'll add, while I do not have the best relationship with my own MIL, I am really glad I know that the tears she had when telling people about our out of wedlock pregnancy were tears of joy. Does your son's girlfriend know how embarrassed you are of them? You really need to get over your hang ups about this and start forming a good relationship with the mother of your grandchild. Perspective - get some.
I am certainly not embarrassed. The same thing happened to me when I was 20 years old. I went through a very hard time with my son's father. We dated all through high school, and our relationship was really good during that time. However, after high school, we started having problems, and he was cheating on me. After my son was born, we broke up, I moved back home with my parents. He ended up staying out of my son's life for the first 5 years, and during this time he ended up having a another baby with the girl he was seeing behind my back and marrying her. It was very painful. I think that is why I am having such a hard time with my son having a child so young. I would be devistated if he did this to his girlfriend.
I'll be extremely happy if they get married and live happily ever after. I want them BOTH to be happy
Do you have reason to think your son would do that to her? If no, you really need to chill out. Do you see how you made that entire post about yourself?
You say you're not embarrassed, but everything else you've written screams differently. You cried when telling people the news, of course they're not going to bring up a situation that upsets you so easily. All the energy you are spending judging and worrying about what other people think about your son's situation would be better used elsewhere.
So, why don't you solve it? I mean, you've been married for 2 years, and your son quite naturally hasn't been around for a lot of family events ... and now that he's starting a family you notice a big wedge on the cuspe of a big life event for him. Why don't you host a little shower for your side of the family and introduce these people to the new mom? Isn't that what family's do? I assume you invited your family members even though you didn't invite your husband's family? I don't know why you seem to think its okay to turn it around and act all hurt and put-out that they aren't getting more involved now, when YOU haven't done anything to reach out. You told exactly two people and now judge everyone else for not asking or calling. Huh?
A little party to break the ice and introduce the new mom will generate the "how are they?" questions you seem to want. I think it would extremely nice and generous for your son and new mom-to-be. Since she's 8 months pregnant, I suggest you do something very simple and very soon. Like a brunch. Or 'come over for cake and meet so&so'.
I don't think you need to invite your ILS. Your son has his own set of grandparents. Your husband is more "my mom's husband" than a step-father to your son. (which I feel is an appropriate term for someone who at least had some part in raising you).
If you were the type of family that did everything together it would be different. But if your son doesn't have a relationship with them, you don't need to bother.
I do agree - you are very self-conscious about the whole "unwed parents" issue. Get some help!
And it goes to my previous response - I feel like you're talking out both sides of your mouth. You don't want your CW's to know about the pregnancy, but your upset when your IL's don't ask about him (even though you cry and get upset). You don't want to invite them to the shower, but then you're upset when your DH doesn't ask you why they aren't invited.
I feel like this is coming across as snarky, and I really dont mean it to. But I really feel like you don't have a good grasp of your own emotions or what it is that you're putting out to other people. You seem to get hurt and upset really easily. And now you're confusing US as to what it is that you're upset about. I really can only imagine how this all comes across to the people who know you.
And as I write this - to help you underestand things better, if I knew someone who was really upset about X event in their life, and if to talk about it upsets them, then I wouldn't bring it up to them! I wouldn't want to upset them - so to be NICE to them, I'd avoid asking.
Which might be exactly what it is that your IL's are doing about your son. They know it upsets you so they simply think "if she wants to talk, she will. We don't want to push her".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First off- does your son's GF want your in-laws there? That was the first question that sprang to my mind. If your son has only been around them occasionally, his GF probably hasn't seen much of them either, or might not even have met them yet. She might not want to meet her boyfriend's relatively new stepdad's extended family at her baby shower.
Second- I agree that from the tone of this post and the last, you do sound embarrassed/ upset about your son and GF's pregnancy. Regarding your in-laws: if the way I found out about your son's GF's pregnancy was from you crying and being upset when you told me, I would not bring up the subject to you again. I would probably WANT to ask about the son's GF and how she was feeling and when she was due, but I would assume asking those questions would upset you, because you were upset when you told me the news. You are reading from their actions that they aren't interested and aren't welcoming to your son- I'm reading that they know you're very emotional about this and they're trying to be sensitive to you.
That said: I think you should take the reins here. If you are now okay with talking about it, then you need to bring it up again to your in-laws- this time, without tears. "I'm so excited to meet Son and GF's little one in October (or whatever). I saw GF at her baby shower and she was glowing and just beautiful." And if you are still too emotional about this subject for your own reasons to talk about this, I think you need to give your IL's a break. You sound (from your follow-up posts) very conflicted- you want to be supportive and happy about your new grandchild but are unhappy and have sad memories of being a parent out of wedlock. It may be very hard for other people to know what to say to you right now.
And: perspective is going to be important going forward here. Having a new grand baby affects you, but it is not about you. Your son's life is changing much more than yours is, his girlfriend's life is changing much more than yours is, and the baby is just starting out in the world. All three of them would benefit from a mom/ grandma that's 100% in their corner.
When I cried to them, it was not about being embarased, I feel very comfortable with my mother and father in-law. I was upset this was happening to my son and his girlfriend. They are too young! My son still has to finish school. I think this is going to be a lot of stress for him. My dream for him is to live his life fully, get a good carrer going... it will be harder for him to do that.
And I didn't sob, I had tears in my eyes. I think my mother and father in law understood.. and yes, I guess it would have felt good for his family to at least ask about him. They said nothing! Maybe they are afraid to say something.
I certainly don't think they have to walk on egg shells around me. I've been very pleasant around them. I am very sweet and considerate to them and thier kids.
I guess I feel like they don't think my kid exists... If this situation happened to my brother and his new wife, I would reach out and give her support.
Thank you for your honest feedback!
I get that you want the best for your son and all that jazz. BUT. This is his life and his decision and he's made it. He will have to do the best with that. Will certain things be harder for him? Maybe. But that doesn't make it impossible. I obviously don't know the specifics of their circumstance, but I'd say it's probably
manageable. You mentioned he's almost done with school? That's great! Just because he'll have a new baby at home doesn't put an axe in his degree.
I understand some general concern, but I do think you are being a bit over dramatic. H (bf at the time) was barely making any money when I became pregnant. Over time, he took a second job while I work close to full time and we manage just fine with our now 2 year old. He's on his way to a degree this fall and hopefully a better job shortly after.
The thing that has been the most helpful has been support and help from our families along the way, mostly in the form of babysitting.
As far as your inlaws, I still think they either see this upsets you or do not think it is their place to bring it up. It doesn't matter what you would do if it were their kid, because they are not you. No one said you were unpleasant or inconsiderate to their children, so that is irrelevant.
What kind of "support" are you wanting from them? I can't really tell from your posts how close you are with them, but aside from them asking how your son and his gf are doing, not sure what it is you want from them.
You do seem rather worked up about everything surrounding this pregnancy and I think talking it out with someone may be a good idea for you.
ZeroOrchestra, that is good to hear about your husband! That's my wish for son and his girlfriend.
I appreciate everyone's input. This was hard, but good for me to hear.
This. They're being polite not bringing up a topic that clearly upsets you.
That said, IMHO, it would be tacky to include them in a shower since it's clearly about gifts and they have no relationship. I have a few friends who remarried with adult children; most of the "kids" don't really consider mom's DH to be a step parent nor his family to be theirs.