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Trouble brewing with friend/roommate (long, sorry)
My husband and I moved in with our very close friend, AJ, about 2 months ago. We've been friends for years, and he even moved into the apartment upstairs from us at our old place. Because we were in the same building, we visited with each other most days, sometimes more than once, and we all got along great.
When he bought a house, he offered to rent the first floor to us. He has his own space, but we share the main parts of the house. We had long discussions about this; is he gonna be ok when we have a kid in the house? Will he please let us know if there's something we do to piss him off? Is he ok not smoking in the house? All seemed sympatico.
Fast forward to now, all of a sudden he barely speaks to us. He passes through and doesn't even say hello. One of his friends (who we know as well) is doing the same thing: rushes through the house and past us and won't say hello unless we do and then it's mumbled greetings from the next room. AJ is picking fights over the stupidest things....like I asked if he likes tofu (since he's vegetarian), and he raised his voice and started going on and on about how he doens't need anyone's opinion! It's not like I'm fighting or being insistent with him about anything, but he freaks about completely benign conversations, like he's doing anything he can to pick a fight.
We have also been super-considerate since moving in. We've kept the place cleaner than we've ever kept our old place, we never leave dishes to be done, we're helping to improve this place that is his and not ours (and always ask him before we make any changes to the place, more just cleaning and fixing), we take care of the property even though he said it would be his responsibility. We make more vegetarian meals than ever so that we can share with him. I walk his dog all the time. I have no idea what the problem is.
He's also dragging his feet about making neccessary repairs to the place (things that should be done for safety), and even won't do the things that won't cost a dime. My husband even fixed one of the things AJ promised he would, cause I almost broke my freakin neck a couple times and AJ still wouldn't do anything about it.
My husband and I have no money to move, and really don't want to uproot our lives all over again this soon, but I'm tired of my friend being a d0uche. I've asked him what's up and he says nothing's wrong. His mood also shifts wildly, so sometimes he's nice to us and the next day he's a d1ck and wants nothing to do with us. What to do???
Re: Trouble brewing with friend/roommate (long, sorry)
"My husband and I moved in with our very close friend,"
That's the issue right there. You need to move out, nothing about it.
Was this move in, because of money issues? It's not something that's possible now but, you need your own place. You just need to make that happen, even if it's eating ramen noodles for a month. I can't see any resolution to this.
Like I've said a few times, it's really not possible. We had been planning to move from our old place around the same time since our rent got jacked up to an unreasonable amount, so it was convenient for all. If we moved now, we may totally screw our friend over too, since we are paying part of the mortgage, and it's not easy to find a roommate who will share the house with him.
Moving costs more than a month of food does. It would cost us a minimum of $2000 to pay for first/last and a moving truck. Since we just paid for first/last/moving truck a short time ago, we do not have the money. Me and my husband both started new jobs close to the new place, so the location is ideal for us, but may also mean that it'll be hard to get a new place with very short job histories.
It's not like it's an unbearable situation either, there's just tension coming from him, and I have no idea why. I've asked him what's up, and he says nothing's wrong.
I'm looking for advice on what to do while here, I can't move.
If moving isn't an option right now then a serious talk has to happen. You need to sit down and figure this out. It's clear that none of you are very happy right now, but you will have to get it figured out if you can't move.
In the long term, you have to start saving for a move and have a goal for when that will happen. You cannot have a marriage and child with "room mates" you can't. Consider how unhealthy this situation would be for a child.
Sorry to tell you this, but you're an adult! Your friend is an adult too! This living situation does not work, you have no obligation to help your friend out, esspecially when your friend doesn't really act like a friend anymore. Why are you so concerned for someone who is hurting your relationship? Friend or not, MOVE. You aren't going to resolve the issue ever.
Is your name on the mortgage? If it's not, you do not have any moral obligation to fulfill. Ditch the loser and move. It's not your fault that your friend decided to live beyond his financial means. You have lost all of your gravity in your lives, move out now and get your gravity back. You and your husband have no, NONE, obligation to keep.
Moving costs more than a month of food does. It would cost us a minimum of $2000 to pay for first/last and a moving truck. Since we just paid for first/last/moving truck a short time ago, we do not have the money. Me and my husband both started new jobs close to the new place, so the location is ideal for us, but may also mean that it'll be hard to get a new place with very short job histories.
I'm not following why short job history means you can't move. Sorry but this is an excuse from you to not move. You've done what you can do, but you make excuses as to why you can't. You can find a place to live with short job histories. People move all the time, and start new jobs. This is a complete lie. Pay the first and last months rent, then move your stuff yourself, you can have the excuse all you want but I'm pointing out to you that you are making excuses to stay.
Stop cooking and doing things, stop fixing stuff. This only feeds the issues. The only advice you'll receive is to MOVE
What to do?
Get 2nd and 3rd jobs and save the money to move. Keep those jobs until you have enough money saved that if a situation like this arises in the future you can afford to do something about it.
Most importantly, do not TTC until you are in a better financial situation. Children are more expensive than you can imagine. If you can't afford to move from this situation, you can't afford a child.
I was waiting for someone to mention this. I'm a little shocked that you feel like it's a good idea to try and have a baby when you can't afford to move out of a bad living situation.
well, I guess the joke's on me, I do have to move.
Since last post, he threw an absolute temper tantrum over nothing, and started slamming doors all over the house, including in my face. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "I'll slam door if I want to! This is MY house!"
It's going to be tough as hell, but I guess we're gonna be pinching our pennies like crazy to afford yet another move, probably to some bachelor apartment. The really unfortunate thing is, we signed a lease with him saying either one of us can give sixty days notice (us to move, or him to kick us out), which means that although we can move in fairly short order, he can also give us 60 days notice anytime. I NEVER expected our friend to act this way, and he showed no signs of being so batsh*t crazy before, or we never would have moved in with him.
My husband is going to talk to him when he gets home from work tonight, but after the things he said and did today, I don't hold out much hope that things will get better.
And yes, TTC plans are on hold for now. What a sh*tty day.
Sorry to hear you're having such a bad day. But never move in with friends once you're married. It just doesn't work. It sounds like this friend could just evict you as quickly as he took you in. Leave it be, I suggest recording on your smart phone video of such acts of anger. Once you're ready to move out tell him you are not giving sixty days, (unheard of amount of time BTW) and if he contests, you notify him he's creating a hostile living environment and you're leaving. I'm sure you can find a lawyer to back that up, especially with video at hand. I would never honor such a move out time frame with this going on.
Infact recently I notified our current landlord that we will not be honoring our lease any longer and moving out now. She seems to think 24 hour notice stated in the lease does not apply to her Real Estate agent, who on three occassions just stopped by with out notice to enter the property. She can either let me out of the lease or constest the physical evidence (phone records and log-in times, recorded phone calls) in court with my lawyer.
WTF is wrong with him? Sorry your having a hard time with him. He truly sounds like a douchebag. There are good room mates and bad ones. I have had a share of both. Good luck with everything.
Living with a friend or relative is never a good idea.
Do yourselves a favor: cut to the chase and find yourselves another place to live.
And find another friend.
You do not need a moody "friend" where walking on eggs around him is the norm.
Find the cheapest place possible and move out -- even if it is a studio apartment.
You just got married; you and he need the adjustment time ALONE, not with a friend in the wings. It's important you do that adjusting as a couple, not with some kind of weirdo "3's Company" kind of thing going on. GL.
Am I the only who thinks there is more to this story? There has to be. I don't think your friend is BSC, but I do think he's fed up with living with you and your husband and I'd bet money on the fact that his unhappiness didn't just show up last week. I'm not saying the reasons are rational (maybe he doesn't like how much you cook, how much room you take up in the fridge, how you're always so happy - I dunno!) but maybe they are (you leave messes he has to clean, for example).
Regardless, it's time to go and now you know it. He can't go, he's unhappy, and he's resorted to being a prick. It's unfortunate that he can't articulate the problem, but such is life. This reminds me so much of living with roommates in college, actually.
Living together sometimes strains and ruins friendships. I remember being in Boston many years ago with one of my best friends. We had discussed getting an apartment together and finally one day she said "I don't think I want to live with you. I don't want to end up hating you." Wise words.
Thank you ladies for the input.
I've racked my brain for what we could possibly be doing that bothers him, but came up with nada. We really are super considerate people, we were doing all kinds of nice things because he was our friend (trust me, no more). He might have a problem with us being happy since he's always had rocky relationships, but really, he needs to GTFOver himself.
My H is still going to talk with him tonight, and try to get him to tell him what's wrong, even if it's all a load of BS, so even if it's unreasonable, we can keep the peace for now. We really would need to save for a move, so we need some time, but we'll be moving as soon as we can, even if it's a bachelor pad.
Worse case scenario, it's unbearable and the situation escalates, then we have to move in with one of our sets of folks (they both really want us near them and have both recently offered us a place to stay). It would suck the big one to move away (either 4 or 5 hours away), and start all over again, but I'm grateful that no matter what, we'll have a place to stay and people who love us.
Do you have a signed lease agreement of any sort with him? Or anything in writing that you all agreed on dealing with living together? If no, move whenever you want.
There must be more to this story. He is angry about something involving you two. Maybe because of all the nice things (walking dog, cooking, cleaning) you are doing and home improvements he is feeling like it's your home, not his. You mention that he has rocky relationships and now he is living with a happy couple full time. He's being immature if that's upsetting him and needs to grow up.
The only other thing is could he be on drugs? I had a roommate that was great until she started snorting cocaine. She acted very similar to what you describe. I left but not soon enough.
If you are not able to afford first and last months rent, then I (like many other posters) would suggest looking for someone who is in need of a room mate or looking to sublet their apartment or home. Most of the time you won't be asked for first and last months rent, possibly just a small deposit or half months or one full months rent up front.
I strongly suggest getting it in writing and signed by your landlord (because in all honesty he is not your room mate) that you are moving without notice and that he has confirmed and agreed to allow this (as someone said he could come after you for rent). If he refuses look into your Tenancy/Leasing laws and find out if there is any reasons you could essentially void your lease agreement with him.
Best of luck to you!