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Tired of being the messenger between divorced parents (long)
Grab a seat, cuz here's a long one. A little background first off...my parents were married for 25 years when they split up 5 years ago when I was 17. My dad had been cheating for a decade and it finally all came out. They separated, my dad moved out and started dating a woman who is now my soon-to-be stepmother. He also started drinking, becoming addicted to prescription meds (on top of having bipolar disorder), and greatly abandoned my mother and sister and I, not providing any support financially or emotionally. We lost our house and had to move several times because of this. He eventually went to rehab, got better and we have made amends, but it is still incredibly difficult for me to trust him. My parents officially divorced last year, with my dad paying my mom spousal support.
Naturally through this whole process, my mom was incredibly hurt and angry. Understandable since she married him at 18 and gave her life to him. Since I was an adult, she felt that it was okay to totally bad mouth him to me. At that time I let her because I absolutely hated him and I knew that she needed to vent since she had not a lot of friends. Around the time I got engaged to my now-husband and my dad was in rehab, I decided to try to fix things with him after he reached out. There was the understanding that I was still really hurt, but I hated the idea of starting this new chapter in my life hating him. The whole time my mom supported me trying to fix our relationship, but she still bad mouthed him to me a lot. I asked her to stop but it's hard for her to not (according to her).
Fast forward to the last few months. With the crazy stress of putting the finishing touches on the wedding, finishing up a semester of college and moving my husband into our home, my mom kept on bringing up that my dad has not paid that month's spousal support, and that I needed to get a hold of him because he won't take her calls or return her emails (I'm not sure if she really tried to get a hold of him to the extent that she claims, she has a tendency to stretch the truth). This kind of thing happens once every other month, and I take do care of it by getting a hold of him, but lately I've become really tired of being the go-between on this. I want a good relationship with both of my parents, but this makes it really hard. I've calmly tried to explain to them both that I am getting really tired of being the messenger because it's nothing but bad news every time, and they both say they know, and they are sorry, but they keep on doing it.
The spousal support is my mom's main source of income (she's also a student), so not having it is incredibly problematic. My dad, after a few business ideas that went nowhere, is almost completely broke. I think to an extent my mom knows this, but I honestly don't think she cares. As of now he has not paid in over two months, my mother is paid up on rent for next month but has nothing else, and my dad is in the hospital with Malaria after going to Africa to help film a documentary for something like Doctor's Without Borders, and he's losing his house. I called my mom to let her know that dad was in the hospital, and her response was, "Well I have a problem. I need money, and it's either gotta come out of him or Lisa (stepmom). And I know now is not the best time because he's in the hospital, but if he doesn't get me that money soon I'm going to file a suit."
Perfect, now my family is going to probably sue each other. They played nice at our wedding (thank God) but now they're fighting worse than ever. And I am still having to play messenger. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I've been getting stress headaches and stomach pains thinking about it, and any advice would be very much appreciated right now.
Re: Tired of being the messenger between divorced parents (long)
If you have not been there yet:
AlAnon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
And do so stat.
Your mother needs to go through her attorney for any child support matters, NOT YOU. And tell her that and then tell her you're done with this matter completely.
Anything that consists of legal matters, child support or child matters, her attorney needs to contact your dad. She does not contact you and use you as the go-between or pawn.
hat's the end. You are off the hook and you never should have been on it.
It may well be your father is so financially destitute from his habit (yeah, it'll bankrupt ya every time) that he can't make payments.... either that or he may be actively drugging and using again. I don't know which it might be. Or maybe he's just slacking off on payments but at any rate: her attorney needs to contact him.
And your mother needs to find some type of a job and move out and find a cheaper place, even if it's a studio apartment or one sole room.
It's clear that she can't count on your dad. Sorry for your troubles on all of this.
To this:
"Well I have a problem. I need money, and it's either gotta come out of him or Lisa (stepmom). And I know now is not the best time because he's in the hospital, but if he doesn't get me that money soon I'm going to file a suit."
your reply is, "I guess you will. Good luck with that" and hang up. (and a lot of this could just be hot air and some kind of scare tactics towards you on her part)
Again: she does not involve you and she needs to lawyer up on this. This isn't your lookout and this isn't your hardship: it's hers.
Your mom will keep leaning on you as long as you keep running to your dad as her messanger girl. So stop!
Tell your mom "You need to contact a lawyer to sort things out with dad." You also need to walk out of the room or end the conversation when she bad-mouths your dad.
You're complaining about your mom going to you for your dad, but in the same way, you also need to realize that you are also pleading your dad's case ("my dad hasn't been paying support because he is broke......").
Ditto the Adult Children of Alcoholics or Al-Anon recommendation. You will realize that you are not the only person who has been the go-between for their parents.
Your mother should go to court. That's what people do when they have an order of support that the other person isn't complying with. It's normal and it protects your mother's interests if your father files for bankruptcy. Considering the circumstances this is way bigger than a "Awe shucks dad, time to pay support." - its time for your mother to follow through on her legal rights. And for you to NOT to be involved.
And this totally sucks, but it sounds like you mom needs a job to get some othe rincome into the house. At least to pay rent. She can try to get it from your dad - who legaly owes her, but she may not be successful. And Lisa may step-up to cover the debt, but if they are not married, she's not legally required to do so.