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Distance may be killing us...
So I need some advice. I don't have many female friends or don't trust them to 1) not judge me and 2) broadcast my business to everyone, so I'm coming on here to post.
Husband and I have been married for a little over a year and have been together for four. We've lived in separate cities our entire relationship; he first lived in California while I was in Texas and now he's in Texas, but in a city that's 2.5 hours away (our jobs are the reason we live in different cities). I've never had any trust issues until recently. We've commuted back and forth since he's moved to the state, but he has a really crazy work schedule that prevents us from seeing each other more than twice per month. He's always had an issue with returning my phone calls, responding to texts, etc. since we've been together. Within the past month (on our anniversary day to be precise) I've had a woman's intuition giving me vibes that something hasn't been right. The last time I had this feeling I discovered that my college boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I've learned to follow it since then. The first alarm regarding my husband went off when I was randomly butt dialed and overheard a conversation between him and a female co-worker that raised some flags. Long story short they went out as a group and he ended up doing something embarrassing. In an effort to amend whatever he did, he continuously apologized to the co-worker to the point to where it sounded like he was begging her for her forgiveness. It just totally crossed the line. He explained the situation when I asked him about it and I left it at that.
Two weeks later there was still a nagging feeling that something wassn't right between us (i.e. we were disconnected, picking fights, being nonchalant about things, etc.). In the process of evaluating our phone bill for extra charges, I found some late night calls between him and two individuals that he met while he was out in his city. While I don't have a problem with him conversing with members of the opposite sex, I do have a problem with them talking on the phone well into the early morning hours (calls after 10 p.m. and even 1 and 2 a.m. for 20 minutes at a time) when he and I don't even talk past 10 p.m. I asked him about the phone calls and he did say that he'd met other females and that they had general, basic conversations (nothing sexual or flirtatious, just friends). The problem that I had was that 1) the calls were late, way past the time a married man should be talking to any female besides his wife, especially when they just met 2) that the women didn't know that he was married because "it was never brought up." I did thank him for being open and honest about it and he said that he didn't have anything to hide.
However, I'm still a little apprehensive because it's caused me to 1) question what I haven't done to make him seek outside conversations, especially in the middle of the night (he says that we aren't lacking anything in our marriage) 2) has made me insecure and question his motives (i.e. why he's going out by himself and obviously not wearing his wedding ring to begin with). I told him that he needed to respect the boundaries of our marriage; I don't have any friends of the opposite sex, going out to enjoy himself in a different city that he doesn't have friends or ties to except being there for work, or mind him having friends of the opposite sex. However, I would appreciate meeting them so that I could at least know who they are and go from there.
Am I wrong for feeling hurt? He hasn't done anything major for me to lose his trust, but it doesn't feel good knowing that my spouse has been having late night conversations. Also, he's lived in his residence since late last year and I have yet to receive a key (I just want it for emergency purposes). Any advice? Am I being overdramatic for no reason? I won't get to see him until next week, so we've had to address everything via phone call.
Sorry this was so long! I've only been able to discuss with with my mom and a co-worker.
Re: Distance may be killing us...
It is not the distance that is killing the relationship. It is the fact he can't respect boundaries. Something tells me he could act this way without the distance. There are some red flags in my opinion
1. There is nothing wrong with him making friends. Ever. BUT is there really a need to call them at all hours of the night. And why don't these women he meets that are "friends" respect the relationship. I feel like a decent human being wouldn't even trade numbers with someone who was married unless they absolutely had to.
2. How do you NOT bring up being married. Especially if you talk multiple times. Not bringing up marriage just sounds like a bs excuse to me
My question for you is has he continued the late night calls even after you explained how they made you feel? If not then good for him. But if so then that doesn't show a good husband trait. I feel that any good husband or wife will put their spouse first.
Thank you so much for your response. I sincerely and truly appreciate it! We will definitely address it face to face when he returns!! I'll keep you updated...
Thanks for your response! I told him what you addressed in points 1 and 2 when I initially called him out on it. The calls haven't continued since we've discussed it and they actually stopped the week before I addressed it. However, I didn't want to not address it and have him think that it's acceptable to do whether or not it was addressed by me. The conversations were15-20 minutes at least twice a week for three weeks; how in the heck do you NOT come up with the fact that you're married?! Ugh. Anyway, I'll keep you updated on the outcome when I see him next week. I've calmed down a lot, but need to voice my expectations of our marriage/relationship in person (I did via phone, but need to reinforce them).
THANKS!
Have you ever lived together? How do you not have a key to his place? His home is your home and vice versa. He sounds like he thinks and feels single still but has the security of being married (can come to you whenever he wants). Not saying he doesn't love you, just saying how it sounds.
Didn't happen to get on the subject that he's a married man? To me, that is a lie by omission.
These are not "friends." this is more inappropriateness.
He needs to get rid of these friends and asap.
And if he truly had friends of the opposite sex --- or if you did -- you know that these friends would be real ones: friends that call to say hi and no secretiveness about it. Friends that are just that: real friends. I don't have to spell it out for you; you know what a real friend consists of.
What I find disturbing, too: you and he are newlyweds yet you do not live together. You do know that the first year you are wed is crucial, for adjustment purposes, intimacy and a great many other reasons.
I hate to say it, but this guy's got cheating on his mind.
My H and I were long distance for 1 year &.2 months before we got married. It was hard and we were both glad and excited to end that chapter of our lives.
Is there a way for either of you to quite your job and move to the same city? Isn't it more expensive to maintain two houses/apartments? It seems to me that should be a priority.
I hope he's not cheating and that you can work things out successfully.