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Holiday dilemma (long)
For the first few years that H and I were together, we did all of our Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays in our home town, so it was easy to split the days between our families. Now his sister and her husband live in Atlanta and have a 17 month old daughter -- so H's mother goes to Atlanta for every holiday. However, my family is still in Rochester, NY. So we have been alternating holidays. Two years ago, H and I went out of town with his family for Thanksgiving and stayed in Rochester for Christmas with my family (MIL went to Atlanta for both). Last year, H and I stayed home with my family for Thanksgiving (MIL went to Atlanta) and then we all went to Atlanta for Christmas.
A little bit more background info so you can understand why I'm having a dilemma. My family is very big into holidays and celebrating and being happy together. H's family is different. His father was killed in a car accident 3 years ago and they seriously insist on being as miserable as possible at holidays. Not my husband, he tries to get his mother & sister to be happy. But it's always miserable. I loathe holidays with his family, but it's obviously necessary.
Here's my dilemma. This year, they want to go to a lodge type hotel in the mountains in Georgia for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a really cool place. But Thanksgiving is important to me, and they aren't going to cook a Thanksgiving dinner. I am soooooo upset about this. I know that I am probably going to have to suck it up and go, but I miss my family so much during the holidays. And H doesn't even really like going. He only wants us to go because he feels an obligation to his extremely needy mother and sister. I am seriously getting myself so upset right now thinking about this. I guess I just needed to vent. I know I'm going to have to do it.
Re: Holiday dilemma (long)
TTC since June 2012
My family doesn't sucks a bit too. When I was little and up till the time I was in my teens every Thanksgiving we would do a family (Aunts family and mine together) outing. When I got older they stopped doing outings and just sat around and did nothing. No talking, board games or anything. It really pissed me off one year and I lost it because several people were complaining they were board but doing nothing about it. I went bsc on everyone and left due to the stress that the holiday now caused. Our Thanksgivings have gotten better since that day. We now play games and interact with one another more (no one complains about being board and keeps it to themselves). It's still not like it used to be but thats ok because I no longer expect anything.
The moral of the story is lower your expectations by having none. When you get with them tune them out and just do your own thing (if you can).
As for the following years maybe tell them after the sucky Thanksgiving you will be spending both Holidays with your family because of whatever you want to tell them. Get H on board with this. They need to realize that their depression during holidays is pushing you both away.
That really is awful and I can't even imagine. It really is sad that his father is no longer with you but that shouldn't make Holidays a cry fest. Good luck and stay strong.
What popped to me in your vent was the "extremely needy mother and sister". Vhati's family is like that. His family is very needy/doesn't know how to let go/realize things have changed; they also enjoy making everyone miserable.
His reaction, spend it with your family this year, or as he put it, the happy people.
In our opinion, it boils down to this; if they're home, the obligatory feeling is understandable, but they're going away this year, that negates the obligation.
Least that's our thoughts on the matter.
My family drives 3 hours (so a day trip) for holidays to be with my extended family on my moms side. My dad's side is spread out all over the country, so if we do see them on holidays its on an 'off' day. DH's family is all local. So since my family has to travel we can't do both our sides on the same day.
My aunt & her family alternate holidays btwn our side and her husbands side. The way we worked it out is we go to my family every other year, when they will be there (so at least we get to see them). So I just follow their schedule. We spent last Thanksgiving & Easter with DH's family (our first ones married), so hopefully they'll be understanding that we'll be with my family for the next ones.
Here's what I would do if I was in your situation.. because I would be the same way (if we hadn't already come to an agreement). Is there something that would be an easy way out for you going to your family? Someone's birthday that you haven't seen in a while? Or someone coming from OOT you haven't seen in a while? Maybe say that's why it's important you spend it with your side & then you will alternate bwtn the two families from that point on.
I understand.. I'm the same way. I really miss my family during the holidays when I can't see them.
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