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Husband is changing his mind on kids. I'm heartbroken
I recently married the love of my life, who brought two teenaged children from a previous marriage. Before we got married, he said that would have another child.
However, he's had a change of heart. I have a history of depression and he now says he doesn't think I"d be a happy mom, or that I'd be happy with being a mom. We are also in our late 30's, and he said he doesn't think I fully understand the sacrifice, the sleeplessness, the financial responsibility, and the life change that comes along with it. He also expressed that he felt that the child would be such a toll on me, it would compromise our relationship.
I can't tell you how hurt I was/am to hear him say that. The worst part is that these are all fears I had, but I thought together we could face the challenge of them.
part of me feels robbed that he already got to have the joys of children with someone else, and now that I'm ready, settled and in a happy relationship I'd like to have a family. The stepkids are great, but - let's be honest - I didn't carry them, I didn't raise them, and I'm not their mom.
What do I do? Therapy? I don't want to entertain a divorce. I'm just so incredibly hurt.
Re: Husband is changing his mind on kids. I'm heartbroken
Gee, that's a little strong, that you didn't bear them and that you are not their mom.
Perhaps you are not their biological mother --- but you are a mother figure to them, and a role model and somebody to look up to. THat is important also.
What to do:
Let this conversation cool off a bit -- give it 2 weeks -- and then, when you and he have a very good span of time alone, discuss this with him.
I don't know if "no kids" is a dealbreaker to you, but if it is,. you will have to decide where to go from here:
You are fine with being a step parent in a blended family
Or
You also need to be a biological parent to a child that you and he conceive.
I am not keen on the way he expressed his views. Didn't think you could handle it, more or less? then if this is how he felt, he should have told you precisely that before you were married. This way, you could have decided if it was worthwhile getting married and saying okay to no kids or calling the whole thing off because his viewpoint did not match yours.
If this is how he felt all along -- and it may indeed look that way --- perhaps you can get this marriage annuled in a civil court. This would be up to you.
Hoping you get this problem solved to your satisfaction. GL; let us know what happens.
In all honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me.
I agree with counseling, mostly b/c you need to figure out why you would marry a guy who pulled something like this on you, or who would seem to have such a low opinion of you and your abilities. Your H knew about the financial sacrifices and sleepless nights BEFORE you said "I do," - why did he not have these concerns berfore then?
In fact, even if your H decided he wanted kids, I would question whether he was the guy I would want to start a family with.
I'm really put off by the way you describe this conversation. HE's saying that YOU won't be good at it or can't handle it. Aside from being insanely condescending, what about what he feels? What about you personally feel? It's complete crap that he can't just say "I don't want another child. I changed my mind." Instead of being straight with you, he's listing all the reasons why you'd be a horrible mother. It's icky, wrong, and unfair.
He also is acting like you, the mother, will 100% be raising the kid - does he plan on not doing anything?
I'd broach this conversation again and not let him get away with that. Tell him that's a completely unfair way to approach this subject. Get to the heart of the matter. Maybe he's scared to do it all again. Maybe he feels too old to start over. Maybe he's worried that he can't pick up the slack on child-rearing if you slip into a deep depression. All of these are valid concerns and should be discussed without throwing you under the bus.
My take on this is a little different than the others.
I see two problems.
The first is that your DH went back on his word. Total dealbreaker for me. This would have us in couples counseling and indovidual therapy to work through my next step. And, yes, dissolving the marriage would be on the table because it was founded on a lie which sort of negates the whole thing.
Side bar- I can appreciate that having steps is not the same as being a mom. This is especially true if they're older and well parented. In such a situation, the best you can hope for is friend or mentor. But I have to agree that giving birth doesn't make you a mom and that if you really hold to this notion, perhaps you need to rethink it. Pregnancy is an awesome miracle, but it isn't any more noble or special than becoming a parent in some other way.
The other piece is your mental health. Are your DH's concerns about your emotional state valid? Your notion of carrying a child seems like dialog from Teen Mom; if this is your general outlook perhaps he is correct that you can't fully appreciate the impact a child will have on your marriage. Maybe his first marriage imploded around parenting issues and the stresses childrearing puts on a relationship. If you are already a fragile person who struggles with day to day with work and responsibilities, maybe he doesn't want to go there. Perhaps he's right about your suitablity and his history and that's why it hurts so badly.
The other piece is that depression and other mental illnesses tend to be heritable traits. You might have a child who is especially challenging because of your own family medical history. I'm watching this play out right now. My ex-BIL and his 3rd wife are splitting up. He's a pastor and substance abuse counselor; she's a child development specialist. He's in his mid 50's, she's mid 30's. They been married almost 4 years and have two little boys. The younger son has autism (a more likely scenario when there is a family hx of mood disorders and older parents) and mom is having a horrible time coping. They're constantly broke because their son's tx is expensive now that he's aged out of EI. They have trouble getting out as a couple because sitters for SN kids are hard to come by and expensive. They can sometimes go out as a family if the LO is having a good day. Mom is not doing well under this scenario, Her house is a disaster, she's gained a lot of weight and she spends the day in bed because she's just overwhelmed. They're going to court for custody soon; I expect him to prevail. I hurt for her.
I agree with the pp, the way that he spoke to you was very condescending. Just because you haven't experienced parenthood the way he has doesn't make him an expert on the subject. Why does he get to decide if you would be "happy being a mom"? There are plenty of women who deal with depression and are also wonderful mothers. It's unfair of him to decide you are not cut out for motherhood because of a treatable mental illness. And although you may not have experienced the sacrifices required first hand, I doubt the idea that parenting requires sacrifice, financial responsibility, sleeplessness and life changes is new to you.
His timing of telling you he doesn't want more children also seems unfair. Why did he wait until after the wedding to state his true feelings? If he had doubts about having more children before, he should have been honest about them. Didn't he know about your history of depression before you married? He certainly knew the commitment that was required by having a child and still said that he wanted another. The timing makes it seem like he may not have ever wanted more children but wanted to marry you first in hopes that you wouldn't leave. That wouldn't sit well with me.
For me, having children would be a dealbreaker. Being a mom is incredibly important to me and I would not be fulfilled in life without experiencing it. I think you have to do some soul searching about what you want out of life and if you will be happy not having children. I know that you say that you don't want a divorce. But in your late 30s you will need to move quickly if you would like to have children. Your child deserves to have a father who WANTS to be a parent. Whether you decide to have children biologically or adopt, your husband would need to be 100% on board and excited about having children. Since he is not, you should not procreate with him at all.
I understand why the pp said your response about being a stepmom was harsh. However, I can understand why being a stepmom to teenagers who are nearly out of the nest and are very unlikely to accept you as a mother figure this late in their lives is not the same as being mom to a child from birth. It's important to be honest with yourself about what type of experience will fulfill your desire to be a mother.
At the very least I think you should go to counseling together to work through this issue. You may also want to seek individual therapy to work on your depression if it is affecting your ability to enjoy your life. Good luck.
I don't mean to be an alarmist or paranoid but if it was very recent of a date, I'd wonder if your H had a "no kids" rule all along and he just told you "yeah we'll have kids" to tell you what you want to hear.
And if this is how he felt all along, not only is it a dealbreaker --- I would say he broke an agreement with you --- this is also, yes, a character issue.
And IF that's how he told you -- in a way that made you look like you didn't know your ass from your elbow --- wow, that just sucks. What does he think you are???
Stuff like this makes me wonder what kind of a guy this really is.
If this is some time after your wedding, then it is possible he has had a change of heart. It happens --- you may need to scroll down but there have been posts just like this one: the wife wants kids; the husband has changed his mind after agreeing in the past that there'll be kids in their future.
Ugh... I totally feel for you. I was in a similar situation with an ex-fiance. He had already been a dad twice and things started to change after we got engaged. It went from "I'm so excited to have one more with you!" to "There are so many uncared for children, maybe we could just adopt" to "We'll figure it out after we are married..."
It was obvious to me that someone that would "be ok" with fathering a child with me was not an ideal situation, and although it was harder than I ever thought possible, I ended it before the wedding bells rang.
Here's the kicker: He had gotten a secret vasectomy and wasn't even able to father any more children! A friend of his told me later that his plan was to "have fun trying" with me, but eventually tell me it wasn't God's plan to have more kids-go figure, he was super religious. I have no doubt we would have ended up divorced if I had found out about his vasectomy (or if he had been a man and told me that he didn't want more kids, either way).
Now I'm married to a wonderful man that constantly tells me how excited he is to be a daddy in November!
My advice: DON'T COMPROMISE ON THIS! If you're in your late thirties, unfortunately the clock is ticking. No reason to drag out an ugly divorce. In my opinion, one doesn't just "change their mind" about becoming a parent; he has probably felt that way since before you were married.
First of all, I am sorry this is going on. It is apparent that we don't know the entire story and we all come from different angles. Personally, I understand why you are reaching out on here, but I'd recommend that in the future, you don't. This is a very personal problem and we (as people who don't know you and your situation) can mislead your brain. I think you already know the answer and if you feel you don't, give it time and prayer and it will become clear.
Best wishes to you.
You're crazycakes. You should probably pray for help on that.
People come here for advice, and your advice is to not seek advice? Oooookay then.
ETA: OP, having a biological child is clearly very important to you. Will you be truly happy with your husband knowing you will likely never have one? If the answer is no, time to cut your losses and find a partner who wants the same things you do. (And who respects you enough not to lie to you or denigrate you to try to change your mind.) Even if the answer is yes, can you live with the fact that your husband deceived you? Whether intentional or not, the end result is the same.
I wish you luck in figuring out what you want.
I don't think he worded what he said to you very well. I also think that not being inclined to have kids is not a recent revelation, and that he should have discussed this with you before marriage.
At the same time, I can understand his concerns. My husband can barely take care of our cats, let alone a child. We're putting off deciding on children or not until he can work on some of his issues, not to mention we're not ready for the commitment financially either. Yet, this was something we both addressed and made sure weren't dealbreakers before tying the knot.
From your post it sounds like you have very misinformed notions about what being a mother is all about. Counseling might be a good step, but also you might to try volunteering with children of all ages to see what it's like. I work with children everyday, and there are some children where even spending a few hours with them is difficult despite how much I care; I don't even want to imagine having to live with them. It is everyone's decision to have a child, but to put it bluntly, not all people were meant to be parents no matter how badly they may want children. I'm not saying this necessarily means you, but just something to think about.