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Opinions on an awkward situation (may DD later)
There's a little girl who lives next to my parents who is a year older than DD. There aren't many kids in the neighborhood so they usually end up playing together when it's nice out (b/c that's when they see each other outside). They've played together a good bit over the past couple of years b/c DD goes to my mom's every Monday while I'm at work. The girl is definitely a little rougher than DD and bossier, but I figure as long as DD wants to play with her it's not a big deal.
One time a month or so ago, DD randomly mentioned that she didn't like playing with this girl b/c she made DD stay in the bathroom while she pooped. I thought it was gross, but didn't think much of it beyond that and just advised DD to tell her no.
Then on Friday I was there with the kids having dinner with my dad and the little girl wanted to come over to play. We were all outside, but a couple of times I'd notice that the two of them would disapear inside. When I'd go in to find them, they'd both be in the bathroom. My mom has mentioned that this little girl always insists on going into the house when they're supposed to be outside, so I was pretty firm in telling them to stay out. The second time it happened, I got annoyed about it and DD started crying and saying she wanted to go home.
On the way home, I asked DD what they do in the bathroom (I was worried it was something like stuffing too much TP into the toilet or some other goofy kid thing), and she said this girl was making her go to the bathroom in front of her. I told DD that's not okay and the only people who are allowed to see her go to the bathroom are her parents, her grandparents and her teacher. She said that she tells this girl no but she "never listens." I was getting weirded out by the conversation so I asked her if this girl has ever tried to touch her and she answered "yes, she tries to wipe me." I even more emphatically stressed the importance of telling her that she's not allowed to do that and I told her to come and tell me or her grandma if it ever happens again because that is not okay. When we got home I gave her a bath and she was very red w/ wadded up TP in there (and she confirmed it was from this girl wiping her).
I didn't want to upset DD too much, so I haven't brought it up again since. I told my parents about it and we all agreed that they would be on high alert when this child is around, but I'm still on edge. Did I do enough? I don't want to overreact to what might be nothing more than childhood curiosity, but I also don't want to underreact and subject DD to a situation where she's reguarly playing with a child who clearly has some issues with boundries at a minimum.
Re: Opinions on an awkward situation (may DD later)
Do you or your parents have any kind of relationship with the girl's parents? It might be worth bringing it up with them. It may be totally innocent on the girl's part but you never know there could be some other issues.
I agee with you, I would be totally on edge about the whole thing. If you are still ok with them playing together I think the #1 rule should be, they can only play outside with an adult present.
The mom is very nice. The dad on the other hand seems like a total D-bag. He has a bad temper (I've heard him screaming at his family outside numerous times), he's not friendly and he doesn't seem warm twoard the child at all. I've never once seen him play with her. In fact, on the 4th she was over and it started pouring (if you remember the weather on the 4th got very bad in some areas), and he kept screaming for her to come back home right at the height of the rain. She was visibly upset and didn't know what to do, so I finally grabbed an umbrealla and walked her over myself. I got drenched and he thanked me, but kind of looked at me like it was totally unecessary. Like it was so beyond him why I found it necessary to escort his 5yo child over in the middle of a storm.
Anyway, I definitely asked my parent to supervise them closely, but it still worries me b/c my parents aren't used to that. This girl will be back in school soon, so at least that will naturally limit their time together to an extent.
Does the child have a younger sibling that she helps her parents with? I was just thinking maybe that's where the watching and wiping may come in, if she has a younger sibling who is potty training - or who she helps change diapers?
I think, at this point, you've done a great job of telling Lanna what is and isn't okay. She was very open with you about previous incidents, so I think if it were to happen again she would be likely to tell you, or, as Amber said, following the rules you set.
Good luck. That's a tricky situation.
that is what I was thinking too, at first, that she has some sort of contact with either helping or seeing a younger kid getting helped and/or just has a big need to help her since she is younger...
BUT it seems odd she would suggest going to the bathroom together and ask or tell your DD to go to the bathroom rather than just wanted to help if she had said she had to go. That is what weirds me out.
which makes me sort of think there is something deeper coming into play with her home life or if not now, as far as with your DD, could develop into something more serious in the future. Or maybe I watch to much TV....I know there are a few psych girls around maybe they would have a better opinion....
As far as talking to the parents--- from what you say I would talk to the mom, if not now for sure if the girl so much as suggests the matter again.
Married, September 23, 2006
That's what got me too. Like is someone forcing her to do that?
Ok so I went back and forth on this.
First reaction: tell the other parents
Second: after reading the posts, leave it as is
Third: after rereading what you said about Dad, I'm inclined to talk to the Mom. I hate to be suspicious, but if there is no younger sibling to help out, etc., I would worry about other things.
Good luck Mandy!
My three sons!
This post is pretty much where I am too. At first, I was thinking I would immediately address then after seeing how others responded I was less worked up.
Ultimately though, I tend to think the worst and worry too much and I think I would just be way too afraid that there are some underlying reasons why the girl would behave like this and I'd be afraid of what might happen if the little girl eventually talked my daughter into sneaking into their house.
Yeah, I don't get the impression she's just being helpful. When Lanna said "she never listens" that indicates to me that she has told her no on more than one occassion. She does have a baby brother, so it may have started out that way, but I'm not sure why she's being so pushy. And it's not like she's asking to help me change Wes's diaper, she's specifically doing this to Lanna behind closed doors.
I really want to talk to the mom, but I rarely see her. And it also complicates things that it's my parents' neighbors, not mine. I feel like I have to give them a heads up if I'm going to approach the parents. There was talk about them moving, but that's not an immediate solution. Also, I worry about the implications of Lanna telling me this and then me allowing her to be around her again. I just don't want to send the wrong message.
Ah, this is hard
Does Lanna still enjoying playing with her after all this? She might be relieved if she doesn't have to play with her.
As awkward as it may be I would talk to the mom because even if there isn't anything deeper going on, the mom needs to tlak to the little girl about what is appropriate and what is not.
But, honestly I would also probably avoid all contact. Maybe I'm paranoid, but it just doesn't sit right with me, and I would much rather err on the side of caution.
Besides, Lanna already said she didn't like playing with her so I wouldn't see any reason for this friendship.
Does Lanna still enjoying playing with her after all this? She might be relieved if she doesn't have to play with her.
She has mixed emotions I think. She enjoys playing with other kids period. These two don't play as well together as she does with other kids (she's a tomboy and Lanna is the opposite), but she'd rather play with her than no one.
Overall, Lanna is pretty quick to go along with other kids. She makes friends easily b/c of it, but it can also be a very bad thing. It's obviously something we need to work more on together. Although I think DH and I are people pleasers too (which is why this is so hard for us to confront), so she's probably learning some of it from us.
I agree with this.
Cheri & Dave
October 6, 2007
Maybe I'm an over-reactor, but I agree with pp would said err on the side of caution. If it were me, I would talk to the girls mother ASAP. I hate to think the worst of people, but generally children do what they see & it seems like she's being awfully secretive about it & insisting after Lanna says no & the fact that you said her dad is a D-bag... well, it just makes me wonder. Again, I really hate to think that, but it seems like more than "being helpful" or immitating wiping a baby at diaper change time.
I would have to seriously limit their time playing together, or like you said put specific rules in place like they must be in the presence of an adult when they play. I mean, if the little girl is acting out some trauma she's experiencing at home (hate to jump to that conclusion, but you never know) you don't want her to feel guilty because it's obviously not her fault. And you of course don't want Lanna to feel guilty because she's done nothing wrong & did the right thing by telling you. I really think talking to the mom & never leaving them unattended together is the way to go.
Good luck. What a rough situation. I'm sorry you & Lanna have to deal with this