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We got the house! And now I don't want to move... Torn (need advice)
I've never really moved. I lived on campus in college and in Spain for a semester, but I've always lived at home with my parents. I work an hour from my house, and I planned to move into the city once I graduated and got a job, but my little sister got pregnant when she was 19. I stayed at home to help her and my parents with the baby and the farm, but I love living with my parents and sister. I love being so close to my family.
My boyfriend lives in the city. We decided to get a house together when I got pregnant, and I was all very excited about it. Well, we got the news that the house is ours, and I'm not excited anymore. I'm really confused and scared. Thinking about not living with my family, and living far away from them (not that far, but it's far for a farm girl who's lived with her parents forever) just drives me to tears and panic.
I'm getting weird about my relationship. I keep getting paranoid that our relationship won't work. Maybe we'll break up in a year, 5 years, 15 years, and then I might regret leaving my hometown. I feel like I'm evaluating my boyfriend, and evaluating our relationship in a way I haven't before. I'm focusing on his faults and making up heated potential arguments in my head, and presuming his responses, mostly based on my insecurities. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him so he doesn't question if he wants to be with me the way I'm questioning him. And the thing is, I have no reason to feel this way, really. He isn't acting or treating me differently. He hasn't done anything to illicit this. This is all my issues.
TL;DR- I'm conflicted about moving in with my boyfriend into our new home. I'm scared about not being close to my family, and scared about the quality of our relationship, and I feel like whatever I choose will be a lose-lose situation. If I stay in my hometown I lose him and our child will grow up in a broken home. If I leave my hometown I'm leaving behind a town I love, the pets I love, and most importantly the family I love. I'm terrified that no matter what I choose, I will regret it.
Re: We got the house! And now I don't want to move... Torn (need advice)
I think it sounds totally normal to be afraid. You've only lived in school or at home. And right now you're thinking about a lot of change all at once. Living on your own, leaving your family, having a child, buying a house. That's a lot of things happening at once. Throw in some pregnancy hormones and it's a recipe for worry and panic!
Does your boyfriend know how you're feeling? It might help to talk to him about these fears, as irrational or reasonable as they may be. If you keep them bottled up like this, you're just stressing yourself (and your baby) out. Plus you're more likely to snap and fall apart and if he has no idea you're thinking this way, he's going to be really, really confused when that happens.
FWIW, like many things in life, you seem to be in a situation where you need to take a leap of faith. Yes, you might break up in 5 years or 50 years. You might also live together happily for the rest of your life. If you break up, move back home. We're just talking about a place to live, not a terminal disease.
I get where you're coming from. I have a lot of anxiety that I deal with normally. I don't deal well with change. My anxiety went into overdrive when I was pregnant. Counseling has helped me a lot. It's something else you might want to consider.
I think I would also feel nervous and afraid to purchase a house with a man who was willing to have a kid with me, but wasn't willing to marry me or make a firm committment.
Buying a house is a huge deal that in and of its self. I have had anxiety, cold feet, excitement, and a whole range of emotions throughout the process. I think not knowing your future with a man with whom you've decided to buy a house with would probably cause a significant more uncertain feelings.
Why can't you move out of your parents and rent on your own until you figure out where your relationship is going? If you haven't closed, you still have time to back out. Are you going to purchase the property or is your boyfriend purchasing this property and you are moving in with him? Please rethink this decision seriously.
I disagree. Nothing in OPs post indicated he wasnt willing to commit. I think purchasing a home with someone is a big commitment in and of itself. There aren't set guidelines on the progression of a relationship. Me and my FI did the house first, then the engagement. It's different for every couple. OP - it sounds like this is just nerves, like you are creating imaginary problems with your BF out of fear. Like another PP said, take a leap of faith. There are no guarantees in life and this is one of them. An hour isn't a terribly long distance. Make it a point to stay in contact with your friends and family. Do family dinners every week or every other week, make it a priority to see them and you won't feel like you miss them so much. And also, work to make your new home a home. Don't recoil because your sad and miss your family... get your butt out there and make friends! If you and your BF make a concerted effort to make this work, it will work, and you will be happy. Good luck.
I never said he wasn't willing to commit to me. Because we're not married or engaged right now doesn't mean our relationship is casual or flimsy. Marriage is really just a piece of paper and a set of tax benefits. We'll probably get married, but it hasn't really interested us yet, and there's nothing wrong with that.
The only advice I can give is your doing it right. Hubby and I bought a house and closed last October.... he proposed to me the June prior to that.... trying to plan a wedding and buy a house at the same time... DISASTER! well not really just extremely stressed out.
I was nervous to about the house and its all in my name. My first thought was, what if he leaves me ... I am high and dry on this house as he has no connection (paperwork wise) to it, etc....
Anyway its natural to have feelings... Even right after we got married I love him, trust him, and can't imagine my life without him but I thought... what if what if??? things aren't so easy as we are now binded by paper... Its normal.
Life makes you take risks. You can either embrace them and take that chance as someone mentioned you may break up but you could stay together forever... Just express yourself and take the leap!