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Husband Can't Stand up to MIL visit on anniversary?
Hi all, I need some advice:
My MIL let us know she would be staying at our apartment for three nights. MY MIL is great, and this would have been fine, but she did not check the dates first and the either didn't realize (or realized but thought it was fine) that the last night was our second anniversary. She has a habit of telling us when she will be visiting (she is out of state) without asking first. It's usually fine because my husband's brother and his wife and kids live in our area so she often spends more time there (they have a bigger house). But there are times when we are out of town, or there are conflicts (such as this time).
I had a discussion with my husband asking him to remind his mother that the last night she was going to stay with us was our anniversary, and ask if she wouldn't mind staying at his brother's place so we could have some privacy. At first my husband said that it would be the same whether or not she was there, since we were going out to dinner - but I pointed out that it wouldn't be very romantic when we got home from dinner if she was there. I said that on our anniversary the focus should be on just us and asked him to let me know if he thought I was wrong. He didn't really say that he would ask her to stay only 2 nights, but I thought we had come to an understanding.
She arrived, we spent two nice days together, but by the 3rd morning (our anniversary), it was clear to me that my husband hadn't asked her to stay at his brother's for the night - when I was leaving for work I asked her if I would see her that night, and she said yes. The whole day I was annoyed, not so much by the fact that she was going to be there on our anniversary night, but more by the fact that my husband hadn't told me he wasn't going to ask her.
Fast forward to dinner - I tried to ignore my irritation with the MIL situation and have a nice dinner, but couldn't help mentioning it - that it might not be so romantic when we got back home. I also mentioned something else about his mother leaving our place the day after our anniversary (not in a mean way). Well, when we got back home (my irritation growing), she wasn't there! It turns out she had gone to his brother's place right before dinner - I felt like a total idiot for complaining about it and wondered why my husband hadn't told me he asked her to leave. I told him we should communicate better, and it kind of ruined the night.
Well, the morning after our anniversary, she sent a group text to both of us saying sorry she had missed me last night, and she decided spur-of-the-moment, at the last minute, to stay with his brother to give us some privacy. So now I'm thinking my husband in fact didn't ask her to leave at all (like I asked him to, and was led to believe), and she decided to herself. I'm feeling confused, and not sure if I can count on my husband to discuss things with his mother. I have no problem telling my parents when we need some private time, or if a certain time isn't good for them to visit, and I love my parents and we have a great relationship. Why is this so hard for him? It seems as if the communication isn't there. Any suggestons?? Sorry for the long post and thanks to anyone who can provide advice!
Re: Husband Can't Stand up to MIL visit on anniversary?
Sounds like my MIL. For our one year wedding anniversary she insisted on having us over to her house for a brunch to celebrate. My BIL and his wife were there and another close family friend and while I know the intention was good and her heart was in the right place, I wasn't exactly thrilled about it given the fact that it was our first year celebrating. We were going away the next day for an overnight trip to celebrate on our own anyway, so I didn't make a huge stink over having brunch. I did tell my husband though that this better not become a yearly thing - I want us to celebrate our anniversary alone - together - like other married couples do. Our anniversary falls on Memorial Day weekend, so next year, we will be going away for the entire weekend - alone.
What I have learned from reading advice here - your H needs to get it through his head that he needs to set boundaries with his mother. And he needs to do it sooner rather than later otherwise it's going to become an even bigger problem down the road - particularly if/when you guys have kids. If she wants to visit, she needs to give you ample notice and not just call and say she is coming - she needs to call, let you know what dates she had in mind, make sure it is ok for her to stay, make sure you don't have other plans first etc etc - not just call and say she is coming and not give you a chance to say yes or no because if you already had plans, that is not fair for her to do this to you. My MIL does this kind of stuff too - like doesn't ask - tells you to do stuff and doesn't give you a chance to say yes or no. Funny - the last time she did this, she sent an email inviting us to a restaurant very very last minute (like 11am the same day last minute) - and at the end of the email said 'this is not mandatory'. LOL Then like an hour later, she called my H asking if we were coming and he told her no. But still wtf....nothing should ever be 'mandatory'. Sometimes my H is good with saying no, other times he is not - it is frustrating at times to deal with this, but I pick and choose my battles because sometimes it's just not worth it.
I don't necessarily agree that I wouldn't want house guests on our anniversary if we didn't have plans already (like a vacation, or whatever) because anniversaries and birthdays and holidays can be celebrated on different days. If some of my out-of-state relatives visited around then and it worked better to host them and celebrate our anniversary the next day or next week, then that's what I'd do.
That said. If that was your husband's perspective, he had every opportunity to tell you that during the conversation where you brought up your concerns, and if his answer was actually, "I don't think this is a big deal and I don't want to ask my mom to change her plans," he should have said that to you and continued the conversation.
That said. It sucks to find out you're going to have company you didn't think you were having, but you could have made the decision to address it only with your husband and not make comments during the dinner in front of your MIL. If MIL was never told that you didn't want company on your anniversary night, imagine how she felt to go to dinner and discover that it was a big deal to you, her presence would make your anniversary not very romantic, and you were irritated (presumably at your husband, but still). I would feel awful if I thought I was welcome and then found out that, to at least half the couple, I was not. I would have hightailed it too. You owe her an apology.
Forward from here: tell your husband that when you have a conversation and he doesn't agree with you or doesn't intend to do what you asked, he should tell you so that you aren't walking around assuming you've come to an understanding and getting a surprise when it turns out you haven't. And, if something is a big deal to you, don't assume that things are settled until he's outright agreed that they're settled. Follow through and say, "You already told your Mom to only stay two nights, right?" closer to the visit.
Thanks so much for the feedback!
I should clarify: My MIL was not at dinner - I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable, and certainly wouldn't tell her that I wish she wasn't at dinner/in our apartment! She ended up deciding on her own to leave right before dinner, and the plan was never for her to come to dinner - but it wouldn't have been very romantic when we got back home and she was there (we have a small apartment).
I do agree that if my husband isn't willing to ask her to let us know before she comes what days she will be there - I should say it to her in a nice way. I didn't get much chance this time as she told us about 3 days before she came that she was coming, but will have to discuss this with my husband for the future. I think I was pretty clear in expressing myself to him that I wanted to celebrate the actual day privately, since she was able to stay at his brother's place on that particular night. I agree that that perhaps the main issue is communication - if my husband had told me that he didn't feel comfortable addressing the issue, we could have discussed it; I just assumed that there wasn't a problem!
Thanks for the clarification- wow that definitely changes my advice! I had read it as if you were all going out to dinner together, and just wanted to be alone afterwards (and I totally know people who would have made comments in front of a houseguest like that, so that's where the assumption came from on my end). So I apologize, obviously that part of what I said earlier doesn't apply.
I think you're right that the main issue might be communication- I agree that MIL shouldn't be announcing she's coming instead of asking, and she should give more notice than three days, but if it's clearly communicated to her that you need two weeks (or whatever works for you) as a heads up, or that you're not available on certain days but weekends x, y, or z would work better, it's a different issue than the one that played out here. I think it's very worthwhile to say to your husband what you said above: "If you don't feel comfortable addressing the issue, we can discuss it- I just assumed there wasn't a problem!" If he tells you that he doesn't want to tell his Mom to change the dates, or doesn't agree it's a big enough deal, you guys can discuss it and come up with a way to handle it- but if he doesn't share what he's thinking, it's awfully hard to work together!
There are so many missteps by you, your H, and your MIL here that you should let it go. It sounds like your MIL plans her trips regardless of who is in town or when people are available - does she come on business or does something else dictate her travel schedule? Or is just that you and your BIL are flexible enough that she can pretty much come anytime and someone will be able to accommodate her? Or is she just super laidback (b/c that would be an awesome trait in a MIL)?
Anyhoo, it sounds like she visits frequently and if it's a bad time, you should get into the habit of telling her it's a bad time. If your H won't do it, then you do it. No big deal. If she only comes once or twice a year, but only stays 2-3 days at a time - I would suck it up altogether and do my best to clear my calendar for her. If she comes once or twice a year, but stays for a week or more, then your back on the high ground to say something.
An anniversary is a valid reason to say something about it being a bad time and trying to get your MIL to shack up at your BIL's house, but if it's impossible - you celebrate a different night. Learn to celebrate your marriage every night. Be honest - are you celebrating a great wedding that occurred exactly [blank] years ago or a great marriage that you've invested in everyday and can appreciate everyday?
Your H has poor communication skills or he's a pushover. You probably knew this when you married him. Tell him the exact words he needed to say to you to have helped with this situation and make sure he knows that he needs to say them next time. He probably felt stuck b/t two women he loved and didn't want to disappoint when really he could have just said to you, "I'm having a hard time asking my mom to leave." If he's afraid to say that to you, then you're the one who needs to improve your communication skills.
Bottom line for me was, though, that your MIL figured out (albeit a bit late) that she was intruding on your anniversary. That is AWESOME, especially considering neither of you said anything to her beyond - "btw, that's our anniversary." She had no reason to think you wanted her to leave and yet she took the initiative to give you space. She's probably formed the opinion that both of you are too shy to ever tell her when you need your space and will be worried about whether she'll be stepping on your toes the next time she visits. So say to her now, "I want you to know that it was very selfless of you to give us our space on our anniversary. We aren't very good at speaking up, but it was much appreciated and I promise we'll try to be more vocal in the future. I'd hate to think that you would ever be wondering during one of your visits whether it was a good time, b/c we love having you around."
I agree with this, but wanted to add:
Your anniversary is only important to two people, you and your husband. Your MIL not considering your anniversary during her plans is normal, in my opinion.
I also personally don't think it's a big deal to have someone stay at your house during your anniversary, the two of you had plans to go out together anyway. And I wouldn't be comfortable kicking out DH's family just because it was our anniversary. But that's probably just me.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
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