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Living with SIL and BIL
My fiance, his brother, wife and I are in the process of buying a house. It is 6 of us, counting their two young kids. We have all been living together for the past 6 months. At first it was great, lots of energy, never a dull moment. However it is still fun, there are times when I just want it to be me and my fiancee living together, just the two of us.
I do enjoy spending time with them, but it's getting to the point where living with all these people 24/7 is getting really stressful. Plus with the two kids. I do consider them my nephews, but I do want kids of my own. I'm afraid by the time I have babies, I am going to be so tired and annoyed with children, that when I do have kids of my own, I am going to be exhausted with children.
My fiancee and his brother always together. Playing video games, shooting guns which would be fine, but I feel like his brother comes before me sometimes. I, and a few close relatives have noticed a change in my fiancee's personality, not in a good way. I feel like him and his brother spend more time together than he does with me, and I feel bad for my SIL with that too.
There are some nights when we have "couple's nights" when we each do our own thing as a couple, or both couples will watch a movie together. But I feel like that isn't enough and my fiancee and are getting more distant.
The cherry on the cake is that we are getting married in a week and a half and I don't feel like it is a healthy way to start our marriage.
Re: Living with SIL and BIL
This doesnt sound like a good way to begin a marriage.
Also, do you want to be tied to them with a mortgage? I certainly wouldnt.
I hope this is a fake post!
If it has already been "not fun," I don't know why you are doing this! Can BIL and SIL not afford a house on their own? Is it a 2-family house? Can you and fi not afford a house on your own?
I would rather be on my own and in a tiny 1BR rental apartment than living with my inlaws, or even my siblings (who I love - but we all need our space!).
Tell your fiance that you changed your mind, you want your own home.
Also, X-post this on money matters to find the 1,000,000 reasons why this is a bad idea financially!
For example, what would happen to the house if they divorce? Or want to move out? What if you/your fi divorce or want to move? What if they don't make their share of the payments, or don't pay for an exterminator?
At the very least, talk to a real estate lawyer about what kind of contract you would draw up for joint ownership of a home that you will live in. Maybe s/he can talk sense into your fiance if you can't do it on your own!
This post makes my head hurt.
Don't buy a house w/ them and if your FI "insists" that you have to- don't marry him. It's a lot harder to end a marriage than to stop a wedding. Seriously.
You already know where you stand. If you keep the blinders on and move forward as things are, y ou will continue to grow more and more unhappy, and your BIL will continue to be #1 in your FI's life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First off:
Fiance=male/Fiancee=female
If you're already not happy with the living situation do not buy a house with your FSIL & FBIL! Tell your FI you'd rather get a place with just the two of you. I'm so glad I live in a tiny 1BR 1BA with just my H and not a house with my or his siblings. I love them all, but we need our space.
Also, address the time your FI spends with his brother before the wedding, not after. Have you two had premarital counseling? It was a great way for H and I to open discussions and compromise on topics we differ on.
I saw that your wedding is a week and a half away but at least have a serious sit down chat with your FI about these two issues.
From the sound of your post not only would I not buy a home with Fi and another family, I wouldn't even marry him. You are seeing ALL these red flags and are not happy now. Putting a ring on it isn't going to make things better.
On the financial side you have 4 people splitting a house with 2 people. Are they entitled to more rooms? bathrooms? utilities?
Stop feeling guilty for realizing this is a mess and speak up NOW. The whole situation isn't healthy. Be brave, be strong, but most of all be smart. Your gut is telling your head something important or vice versa, either way stop going ahead with the plan.
Have you told your FI this?
Get. Your. Own. Place.
This may have all been fun and games at the start, but you're already experiencing misgivings. This will not end well.
You are in the process of buying a home with them? How far into the process?
You're missing out on having inside jokes and being openly playful with your soon-to-be-husband in the privacy of your own place. This time alone is precious. How I act in my home with my husband is very different than how we act in front of family, even friends. We even have privacy to openly talk about our future plans and goals. If we constantly had another person around, I would feel very stifled and reserved by having an audience.
If you get married without resolving this issue first, you might as well have his brother and his brother's wife up at the alter with you all, because in a way this sounds like a marriage of four people instead of two. In the household, you wouldn't have 1/2 say in everything - more like 1/4. Down to every detail: what furniture to buy, where furniture goes, what company can come over and when, what meals to cook and when, who does what chores, getting mad at xyz for not following xyz household rules.
Your future husband has unrealistic expectations. Better to start off in smaller living arrangements and develope your OWN routine, than a bigger house and have too complicated of a living dynamic. Unnecessary stress on marriage.
This cannot be real. Seriously, it's just too scary and unhealthy to be real.
OP, how in the world did you end up living with another couple and their kids under the same roof? The whole things sounds like it's been arranged by teenagers or something.
I think you should PHYSICALLY step away from your FI and this situation before you get dragged into a mess bigger than the six of you put together. Buying a house with another family, with the expectation to have children of your own and raise them in it, is absurd to say the least.
Your jugement is telling you that it's not what you want and you should be thankful for being unhappy now that you STILL HAVE TIME to save yourself and (hopefully) your relationship, provided you can inspire some judgement in your FI.
Good luck, don't let another day go by without addressing this!
this does not sound like a good idea on so many levels....
DH and I have been living with his parents for the past few months, while we get our house finalized... and it has been the most trying experience for me. i would not in a million years PLAN to live like this for the forseeable future. you need to have a conversation with your FI and really decide together if you want to start your marriage in a stressful state. I would much rather live in a small one bedroom apt, than a house as long as I have my own space with my DH & child(ren).
good luck!
I know I am replying to this late. I'm sure none of you will see this. But the good news (sort of). It turns out the whole living situation was worse than I thought. Long story short, I found out my now husband and I were paying for EVERYTHING while his brother and family were living with us. Needless to say, about a week after the wedding, we kicked them out!! I had expressed my feelings to him about the living arrangement, but he told me it would be worth it in the end. I am now refusing to speak with my BIL and SIL, more the BIL.
We are actually now in the process of moving out of this house into something smaller. While we shop around and look for something that we both can enjoy.