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What do you say?
My husband just received a text message from his best friend (R) saying that he failed an exam for the third time in order to progress to his 3rd year of medical school, which now officially means he has to drop out of medical school after 2 years.
R was a groomsman at our wedding and since he started failing the tests a year or so ago, has not been in close contact with my husband, probably because DH is also in medical school and doing very well. My husband calls, texts and emails to check in with R at least weekly but I assume the friend feels like these conversations are like salt in a wound... totally understandable. Anyway, DH knew the exam was 2 weeks ago but didn't ask how it went, assuming R would let him know good news immediately, and silence obviously doesn't bode well. R texted this morning saying simply "didn't pass again. Just wanted to fill you in" and DH has not yet responded, having no idea what to say. I'm at a loss as well.
I thought I'd turn to Nesties for advice... what does one man say to another man in an humiliating, delicate situation like this? Especially when they are in the same ocean but two completely different boats, one cruising along in the sunshine and one going under? He wants to say something supportive and encouraging but not condescending and not pitying... all of my suggestions were apparently too feminine and DH thought it sounded like he was rubbing in his own successes. He also said "so sorry to hear that, man" the last time R texted about failing the exam, and apparently that message is recent enough in the queue of texts that he doesn't want to say that exact thing again... haha my hubby overthinks these things like a woman sometimes!
Thanks!
Re: What do you say?
"I'm sorry to hear that. Drinks are on me tonight."
I'm wondering if your DH could possibly tutor R for the next test? If he's doing well he might be some help.
I wouldn't say much, I would ask questions and listen to the answers, then go off of what his friend says. And encourage him whatever he decides to do. And not relate things to "well I know in my experience."
I'd probably be dropping off a care package of funny dvds, brownies, and a 12 pack. Also, asking him to fun things like trivia night or the movies where they don't have to talk but can still spend time together.
I would love to know what your suggestions were so I can gauge if mine are too girly.
My H and I are extremely well-versed in this exact situation. We're lawyers and have friends who have not passed the bar their first, second, third, seventh, etc. time trying. For someone you don't know well, you say, "Don't worry about it. You're a smart dude." And stop there. The point is to convey it's a nonissue and free up the conversation for him/her to continue talking about it if s/he wants - or to start talking about the Cubs.
For someone you know better, you say, "I'm surprised to hear that. What's your next move?" It's ok to ask a question to open up a discussion. They may take you up on it or not, but you're letting them know that your confident in their abilities and their options and what they'll choose to do next.
For the best of friends - you don't text. You call - and probably leave a voicemail when he screens your H's call. If he picks up, it's a great sign b/c it means he's ready to talk. All your H has to do is be honest - it's the best way to show his respect for him and confidence in him to pick himself up. I would say something like, "I know this your third time going through this and you're feeling like sh*t. Do you want to talk about it?" It's direct - no condescension - no accolades that will bounce off his fragile ego - no trying to make it better.