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My husband is depressed and I don't know what to do.
I've been married for 3 months. I adore my husband. When we said the FOR BETTER OR WORSE vow well... the worse part has reared it's ugly head almost immediately. I'm married to a cop who works 14+ hour days. He works nights one month and days the next month so we can go 2-3 days without seeing each other. This isn't anything new to us, we've made it work. So a month after the wedding..his 28 year old best friend since childhood was found dead. As a cop my husband stepped up and helped the family. That meant being on scene with the coroner (and body) the day it happened and later at the funeral he gave a beautiful eulogy.We got our wedding pictures from the photographer the day before the funeral and no one can stand to look at them. His friend was a groomsmen and it's just very painful.
A few weeks later my father in law fell ill. We got him to pull through but it's back already and very bad. He's not elderly but the man has diabetes and a bad heart and both of his knee replacements are so infected the hospital is removing them. My father in law will easily spend the next 2-3 months in the hospital. And to be honest I really don't see how he can make it. I'm praying but very worried. To add to it money is super tight because of the economy and on top of THAT a hail storm ruined our roof and siding. Our insurance stepped up but the HOA is making it really difficult by requiring an approval process. But the REAL ISSUE is I'm sure he's depressed. I try to talk to him about what's going on and how he's doing but he wants to play video games, xbox, pc, his phone...ANYTHING... and pretend he's not listening. I know he's upset. I know his family doesn't talk about emotions. He is a cop. He deals with gangs, bodies, drugs the worst of the worst so he thinks he's superman or batman but he isn't. We got one day together last week and he told me he doesn't feel like he can do anything right. The affection isn't there. We love each other very much, that isn't in doubt. Any suggestions on what I can do to help? I really appreciate it.
Re: My husband is depressed and I don't know what to do.
I am sure his town/county or whoever it is he works for has an EAP program. He can start there.
It would be a good idea, too, for you to get some free counseling. Every town has a social worker; try there first and then get some recommendations from her for low cost or free counseling. Youve got a great many family problems that are worrisome; it would help to talk toa professional.
For your house: Call the county, call FEMA, call a local emergency services group; perhaps they can come up with ideas to get you funding so you can get your roof fixed quicker.
Find a time when there are no interruptions when you have time to talk to your H and then encroach the topic of you and he each seeing somebody to talk to about your problems. Put a very positive spin on it: talk about how great these people are with every day ordinary problems that happen to everyday ordinary people.
Cops are under a lot of stress and every day is a Sword of Damocles. I have a good friend who is a cop and so were several cousins. Anybody in a helping profession -- and I include the cops --- need to speak to a pro to help "unload" their issues.
Wishing you luck with this. Take care.
Hey thanks. The roof will be okay, it's just the home owners association has to approve the freaking shingles and they are driving us nuts. Our insurance was really great about it. Normally this wouldn't be such a big deal but we are already stressed out. The EAP is a great idea. IF I can get him to go it has to help. The worst part is his friend who passed on had the same week days off work that my H has. And his dad is retired so they spent LOTS of time together. If/when his dad is gone he'll just be here when he has week days off alone and that will make it worse.
I'm so sorry. This is a lot to go through.
I went through a period of depression a while back, and it was my husband who suggested (convinced) me to go to counseling. Mine was also spurred by circumstances that were really tough, so I had said something like, "Even if I went to counseling, I'd still be dealing with (all the stuff that was outside my control), so life will still suck, so why bother?" My husband's response was, "You're right, this is an awful time and seeing a counselor won't change (all the stuff outside my control)- but a counselor would help you find ways to cope with it that don't take so much out of you. They see people every day that just found themselves in awful circumstances, just like you, and they can help you navigate." I'm also in a "helping" profession, so he also had said, "You spend every day helping other people- you deserve to let someone else help you, too."
When you talked about how your husband's days off coincide with his friend's and he spent lots of time with his dad, that reminded me of something else my husband did. Whenever I had free time during this depression period, I would fill it up with sleeping or goofing on the internet or TV or anything that was kind of empty, because I felt empty. My husband started very nicely forcing me to do stuff way out of routine- just for a walk around the neighborhood or breakfast at a diner- to get me up and moving. I didn't want to, but I would go because my husband wanted me to-- and if we came home and I crashed and slept for the rest of the day, he let me. But I found that as I started getting better and my depression started to lift, those little spurts of energy helped me get going, and maybe I'd be active or energized for a little longer after we got home. It also got me out of my little cocoon where everyone I saw or talked to knew what was going on and how bad things were, and showed me how big a world there was that hadn't been turned on its ear. It subtly showed me that if normal still existed somewhere, it wasn't so crazy to think that someday maybe I'd have a normal again too.
All the best to you and your husband. Take care of yourself.
Wow thanks so much! Sure! Great advice
I understand how you feel. My husband is seriously depressed and won't seek help. He says he has no time. Our relationship is dull, unemotional except for his outbursts, and unfulfilling but he won't get help and I can't fix him.
I'm sorry. I do like the advice of encouraging him to do things together on his time off, pulling him away from his xbox, etc. Good Luck!