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PORN Issue
Embarassing issue...PORN. Lately, everytime the husband and I argue, disagree, or just have a bad relationship day he picks up the iPad, and goes to the opposite side of the room as me. And I'm pretty sure that everytime he's looking at pornography. A few times I've picked up the iPad and he doesn't exit out of his browser so his "sites" are still up, history hasn't been deleted, and MANY MANY pictures have been saved onto the photos folder. At first, I didn't think anything of it, mostly because I didn't know exactly what he was doing when he was using the tablet...I thought he was just playing games or something. And when I found out what it really was it was by mere accident and it crushed me. Now it's something that I find myself looking for the next morning after we've argued. And to make matters even worse, and even more obvious of his activities, when I come around or walk to "his" side of the bedroom the iPad suddenly gets turned off, or suddenly a different app is starting, or it gets turned upside down so that I can't see the screen. A few times I've complained that I feel neglected when he's on it so he uses the excuse that he turns it off when I come around because of that. But I know it's a bunch of BS. He'll spend HOURS on it, sometimes with little to no sleep because of what he's looking at.
He'll even go to the bathroom with it...I don't even want to know if my suspicions are accurate about that one...crushing.
Twice he's admitted to looking at those sites and claims that it's because of the way that I make him feel as if I don't have enough love for him and how can he "have sexual relations with someone who doesn't love me..." ...COME ON! As if those girls did. Sigh.
I try to convince myself that porn is a part of every guy's life at some point...but I'm sure that some guys out there don't watch the stuff. Ever. I guess my question is how do I handle this? It's not easy for me and it makes me feel insecure when I never was before. And yes, I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel and etc. etc. but it just doesn't work.
Re: PORN Issue
Wait a second: you argue with him and he boogies off and sulks and tunes into his iPad?
What an infant.
Sounds like first and foremostly, he's horriffically immature and for two, you and he have problems communicating like adults.
You 2 need a counselor just for that issue alone. His immaturity, however, is another story. No counselor can get somebody to grow up.
And are you certain that he is constantly looking at porn? Are you sure that he's not messaging or texting another woman/man?
Whatever it is he is doing, it has to stop; whatever it is he is viewing or contacting is far far too excessive. Either he has a porn addiction or he's got somebody on the side and he is pretty much in constant contact with that person.
Spending hours with anything electronic is not normal. Nor is forsaking sleep because of it. Whatever/whoever it s that is involved here, he is not only preferrng its company over you, he is also spending far too much time with it and it is disrupting your life and his and your life together as a couple.
It's got to stop and stop now.
If you find out that some other woman/man is involved and that is who he is in constant contact with, tell this guy to shove off and show him the door.)
What I would do:
Sit him down and tell him flat out "It is either me or your iPad; you are in constant contact with somebody or something. Pick me or the iPad right now" and if he chooses the iPad, you will have your answer, just like the drunks and addicts who pick the bottle or substance over a loved one.
If he picks the iPad, show him the door. I'm serious about this. Something here is not right; too much time spent with something or somebody is what is going on here.
He needs to shut that thing off and spend more time with you. Period.
The right to be mad, concerned and pissed off because your spouse is spending an abnormal amount of time with a gadget? That's acceptable -- being "crushed" because he is looking at porn is not. YOu've got a self esteem issue here --- ever see what a female porn star looks like? They sure aren't much for looks.
(I personally think these iPads and iPhones are horrible; I have a cell phone that makes phone calls only --- seems like everybody's got one and all they seem to do is stay glued to the damn things. Let's go back to the days when you had to go HOME to see who called and let's go back to the days where it was such that when you were with somebody you were with that person and there were no distractions from an electronic bleeping gadget)
I remember you. You've got a great deal more going on than just a punative porn addiction. He's got a lack of interest in sex because it's over. That is what I told you. You're beating a dead horse by staying with him.
And last I remember, my post was done. So unless I ask you for advice, which I won't be, don't worry about it. You seem to have a huge chip on your shoulder for some reason. I've seen many of your posts and sometimes you have valid points, and then other times you like to beat people down and make them feel like crap. Try to keep on the topic at hand. Which is NOT all the other issues in MY marriage. I'm just trying to HELP someone that is in a similar situation that I have been in. So mind your own.
TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009
So I guess you came here, too, like most of the other in denial, to hear "oh honey he loves you don't worry"?
Good luck with that one. I give the same kind of advice that I'd give to a friend. And sometimes one needs to be flamed and flamed and how to wake up and see the handwriting on the wall.
His issue with porn has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Men watch and become addicted to porn for various reasons but mainly because they are looking for an outlet to their fantasies. You mentioned that you've expressed your feelings to him about how it makes you feel. I would like to know if you've asked or talked to him about what it is he is looking for. Once you have an open heart conversation about the issue suggest that you two try role playing. Men are easily bored and need something to hold their attention frequently. I hope this advice works for you.
Naomi Says
It could be lots of porn; it could be he's texting a woman/man.
What the problem is: he is spending way too much time with his iPad. Really, he takes it everywhere and he's constantly hiding it from you? Bad news.
Suppose you hide his iPad and when he wakes up, you do not give it TO him? or you very conveniently break the frigging thing? at any rate, that iPad has to go. That's what the issue is: he either has a porn addiction or he is having an affair. It's either one. And the OP needs neither.
Bottom line: it's the iPad or her. and that's what she needs to tell him.
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/
I'd recommend that you both read this, and her book The Beauty Myth.
TarponMonoxide's reply's may seem harsh, but in all honesty she has alot of great points. That ipad has got to go. If he has access to a computer at home add/change the password. He's gotta really make a choice here!
I had an ex who I dated for 8 years. He lied and cheated because of the stupid computer. He would close windows, remove the history and even change the password on the computer so I couldn't access it so I wouldn't see what he was doing on it. Stupid stupid me....I stayed for TOO long. No one needs to tell me how stupid I was cause I know. If he's watching porn on there and hiding, he's proabably doing more....imo.
"I try to convince myself that porn is a part of every guy's life at some point...but I'm sure that some guys out there don't watch the stuff. "--NO, pornography is not a part of every guys life! It's gross and it's sinful and my man never looks at that garbage. It is the number one contributor to the human sex trafficing epidemic accross the globe (***see A-21 campaign). Your husband needs HELP to deal with his addiction and you should seek counseling in order to decide if you can live with this or if it's time to MOVE ON already.
lol
"I DO NOT love that you think so many things revolve around you. I know you're bitter. I get it. But I'm over your feelings." The best person on the internet ever!
Sounds like my ex-husband. Although he wasn't addicted to porn, he was addicted to playing video games. At first, I made excuses for him (he had recently lost his mom), but when his playing became excessive (think 5-8 hours a day... all while we had a newborn!), and the video games became more and more violent, I gave him an ultimatum. Sadly, he chose his games, and it took me YEARS to recover from that.
Funny thing is that he would not give me a divorce; for some reason it was important for him for us to be married. It wasn't until I made his life miserable by being vocal about his problem with his family that he agreed to sign for a divorce. Although the whole experience was terribly painful, I can't see myself being with him anymore. I felt such relief when he moved out.
Sending you a big, virtual hug. I know how degrading this can make you feel, but please remember it has nothing to do with YOU, it is HIM.
Thank goodness you lol'd at this because somehow I miss this completely rediculous response above!
@ Mermaid34....How about you take your rediculous opinons and keep them to yourself or find another board who would like to hear your opinions! Do us all that favour!
Porn is NOT a sin! It's unfortunate you think so since I was really hoping we could be besties! Oh darn...I've watched porn and now I'm a sinner! lol
This poster who is asking for advice certainly doesn't need to hear what you have to say! Move on and preach on to someone else!
Her husband needs help because he is viewing it wayyyyy too much and hiding it. I am completely aware my FI watches it and you know what? I don't care!! I am confident in myself, and I am confident he loves me so much and that is attracted to me to no end! And with that I know we would never have an issue with it.
Now that this flame is over, back to actually helping this poster......
Thank you so much for sharing this article. Really.
My fiance and I have struggled with the issue of porn. We have moved through different phases with it - sometimes, it's even been helpful for us. We want to know what each other's fantasies are. But more recently, it's felt like something that's keeping us farther from each other. Just a few weeks ago, I said "no more porn". I did that for the reasons that are listed in this article. I hate that to keep sex "interesting" we have to go to all these extra ends - special lubes, vibrators, blah blah blah. I just want to be with the man I love! Just us! No other bells and whistles. It's time to cleanse and get back to the things we really love about each other.
As for the main poster - you should first be able to talk to you husband about what is upsetting you in a calm manner. You need to know your own limits, and he needs to know them too. Communicate honestly. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. And if it's something you two can work through, that's amazing. If it's time to split, it needs to be done.