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Low libido is driving me crazy!!
My husband and I were virgins when we got married. We didn't have the sex discussion before we got married (which we both now admit was a HUGE mistake). After several failed attempts to consummate our marriage (he couldnt get an erection) we decided to a) go to counseling to rule out any psychological issues causing this and b) visit the doctor because we were both getting incredibly frustrated that nothing was happening. This took about 2 months!
The counseling went well. We were finally able to open up to each other about what we want, basically the sex talk we should have had before. The doctor diagnosed him as having problems with ED linked to his diabetes. They prescribed him Levitra and we tried it and it worked. This was a couple weeks ago.
What I'm struggling with is that in addition to all of these problems, he has a low libido. Like, really low. I don't. It gets to the point where if I don't initiate sex or hint that I want it, we wouldn't do it. I'll make a comment about I would want to do it (giving a heads up since the pill can't be taken within 2 hours of eating, plus the hour wait for it to kick in, yadda yadda) and he'll kind of humor me and pretend to be interested, but in the end it makes me feel like I'm being desperate! I just want a little bit enthusiasm on his part! It's not like I ask every day. Maybe once every 3 or 4 days. We've talked about this before when we started having problems, and he always just says that he doesn't know why he is, he's just not as interested in being intimate. It makes me feel awful, embarassed, and unattractive. We've only had sex once since he went on Levitra.
I don't want the spark to be gone already!! All other aspects of our marriage are great, this is the only sticking point. Has anyone else dealt with this?
Re: Low libido is driving me crazy!!
Did they test him for low testosterone? This can commonly occur with diabetes also and the erection aids won't answer that part of the equation. Is he okay with using a med to help or does he see it as a failure? So much of sex and sex drive is mental and maybe having to conquer challenges is complicating this for him. Talk to him and if you guys need to, talk to the therapist again. Maybe try other non-intercourse methods of intimacy where he pleasure you. This could help in a couple of ways: he might get turned on or he may gain confidence in his ability to satisfy you. Good luck!
They did test him for the low testosterone and his levels are normal, so we know it's not that. As for how he feels about the pills, he hasn't really said. He seemed relieved that they worked and he said that he has gotten over being weirded out over the fact that he has to use them even though he's only 23. I'm really at a loss. He's very hard to figure out sometimes.
He also needs to be tested for testosterone levels and tested for thyroid problems.
Thyroid problems can whack out your libido and send it to nothing. A thyroid problem is fixable; not to worry.:)
You need to have a long and frank talk with your husband. As I always say: communication is key.
Pick a time when you have plenty of time to spare on a weekend --- no phones no interruptions.
Don't forget to remind him how hot he is and how you'd love it if you and he had sex a lot more. Put a positive spin on it.
Maybe it's even a problem with his upbringing. Was he brought up in a home where sex was not discussed, due to embarrassment, unenlightened parents or strict religiosity? Maybe he somehow thinks sex is dirty or something that's taboo? This is only my guess.
ANything can be happening here; maybe he's even self conscious due to the fact that there were erectile problems and he somehow thinks it'll happen again, so he's not keen on having a lot of sex.
If he is taking meds, they can also interact and cause a low libido or a med in itself can quash one's libido.
If all of this checks out and all is normal, it is very possible that he has a low low libido or is possibly asexual. At any rate, he needs to meet you halfway and make sure you are happy and satified --- twice a week would be great for the both of you -- I think he can manage that.
Again, this is all about ensuring your spouse is happy. It's a character thing at this point and caring about your spouse.
I was going to say exactly what the other poster said......but since you said.....
I'm guessing it's an ego thing. You say he's hard to figure out. Ummm.....he's your husband and should be your best friend as well. You need to sit down with him and tell him to talk to you. Explain that you are his wife and love him dearly and he shouldn't be embarrassed. He really needs to open up on this or things are only going to get worse IMO.
It is in NO way normal for a 20 something male with normal testosterone levels to not have an interest in sex. SOMETHING is up. I'm guessing it's having to deal with taking the pill and the lack of spontinaity.
Are you still seeing the counselor? Maybe you could involve him/her in the discussion???
There has to be a way to work the pill into foreplay.
And counseling to work on getting the both of you to open up is essential. Perhaps you are both shy abut discussing sex or it just wasn't talked about in your homes when you were growing up. This isn't the Victorian era anymore.
Maybe a second opinion is warranted for your H --- maybe he doesn't need the viagra or cialis --- and have him see a cardiologist, too --- remember: the penis is the dipstick to a man's health, the same as a period is a woman's red flag. Lots of docs will automatically classify a guy with erectile problems as having cardiac issues, until otherwise proven.
There shoud be no more taboo attached to ED and pills like viagra and cialis. There are ads everywhere for those meds; the tv ads are very clearly marketed to young, vital men.:)
Pfizer got famous men to be spokespersons for Viagra; the men that are the spokespeople aren't a couple of old fuddy duddies who are out of date and past their shelf life.:)
I know, right? I guess people always assume that men want to have sex all the time because that all that people say about it!
Well, we did talk about it last night. All I said was that I wish that we had sex more often and that I wish that he showed a little bit more enthusiasm about it (not before telling him that I love him more than anything of course) and he said that he understands where I'm coming from, but he's just never had that big of a sex drive. But we are trying. The adjustment to not having any sort of sex to all of the sudden being able to is a big adjustment for both of us, so it's just a matter of figuring it out and deciding what works for us. I don't think either of us foresaw this as being difficult, but life is full of surprises :-/
this is why I do not advocate virgin/celebate relationships. YOu and he could have worked on fixing what went wrong before you and he were married.
THe important thing in this issue:
That he is eager to take care of the problem and attend to his health -- particularly important since he's a diabetic
That you and he work on this issue together as a team.
Motivation has a great deal to do with it
I think seeing a doc for another checkup and having his health reevaluated would be a good idea.
I think you may also have to accept that your husband just has a low libido.
The fact that you guys never talked about sex before getting married should have been a HUGE RED FLAG. A healthy couple will experience sexual urges and desires, even if they have decided not to act on those desires. The fact that this issues never seemed to come up should have been a warning to you that something wasn't right.
I would probe a little more on your husband's masturbation habits and sexual fantasies. I have a feeling that you may discover that he has some sexual interests that he is ashamed of or repressing. If you can release those, you may have a more satisfying love life.
Stay positive - there will be some good surprises from married life too! I think the great thing is that you're talking about it and working on it together NOW. For all the men who don't talk about having a low sex drive, there are nearly as many women who are dissatisfied and may not be doing anything about the issue. It's unfortunate that there's no quick fix, but hard work from both you can get you through this to a happier place for both of you!