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Argument Advice
My fiance and I rarely argue but when we do it always seems to be about things that I think are really important that he doesnt want to do. A few years ago he refused to take christmas pictures with me, my dog and my horse. My horse died a few months afterwards and I was heartbroken I never got to have this. His entire argument was that I shouldnt force him to do something he isnt comfortable with. Then I wanted him to come to a work friends party with me, he said he wasnt comfortable being around a bunch of people he doesnt know and refused to go. He told me he thought it was selfish of me to try to force him to go knowing how he felt. Now recently Ive been offered a dog that needs a home, the dog seems like he would be a great fit in our family. We already have 1 small dog and 2 cats. We live in a 2bd townhouse thats large enough to add another small dog. He flat out refuses to even consider the idea because he says it would just be too much to deal with. I try to compromise with him on things like this but he wont budge. It always ends up that I just give in to appease him and frankly I am sick of it. I dont know how to talk to him about this stuff because he just says I shouldnt be forcing him into doing things if he isnt comfortable doing them. But at the same time, I feel like if its important enough to me to have a long drawn out argument about he should care more about my feelings and just suck it up. I feel like I constantly give into him and it is never reciprocated. Any advice on how to approach this would be greatly appreciated!
Re: Argument Advice
Wow.
IS this guy ever an unyielding boring stick in the MUD!!!
And he also knows sh!t about compromise.
Sister, move on: this isn't the guy for you.
I don't think you want to marry a guy who has an endless list of useless and strict rules: no pictures with your pets. No dog because it is too much to handle. No going to parties with the wife's friends in attendance. No this and no that.... holy cow. How very sad for him.
So he won't compromise on certain things he just doesn't want to do and you think he should "suck it up" and give in because these things are important to you.
From the information provided in your post, I can not evaluate if he is a very rigid person and never gives in at all or if you are demanding and these are the only things he has ever held firm on. But learning to compromise is critical in a relationship and you guys seem to have some serious issues in this area.
Before you get married, you guys should do some serious marriage counseling to help you guy develop skills in this area. Otherwise the resentment on both sides will strangle your relationship.
If these are the best examples, I disagree.
I wouldn't want to be in a Christmas card picture with a horse and dog. Even my own horse and dog. I think that's a bit strange, and wouldn't want that to be the christmas cards I send out. So I'll give him that one.
Going to a work party with your friends where he doesn't know anyone, meh, I may give him that one too. Some people feel very awkward in social situations in which they don't know anyone. Not sure I'd want to go to DH's work do myself. If he really wanted me to go, I might, but I doubt I'd be all that comfortable. Did you offer a compromise or something to make him feel more comfortable? Go out with another co-worker couple first so he has someone familiar that will be there? Go out to dinner just the two of you first and then stop by your work do for an hour after? Or go to the work do and then do something together after, cutting the work do a bit short so it's less intimidating?
The last one about the dog, I think that is fair. You already have a dog and two cats. He doesn't want more pets, and I think that is reasonable of him. My DH says no to more pets all the time. If it were up to me we'd take in every stray there was. It's his house too. Is already having 3 pets an example of him compromising here?
I just think your examples are pretty weak and don't lead me to think he's this total asshat that dictates your life.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This. Does he do this all the time or just on a few things? If it is only a few things, then you should consider his feelings. If he doesn't want to go to a party, go without him. And a dog is another responsibility. Either way, like PP said, you guys need to work on your communication skills.
I agree that we don't have enough information to go on.......I can't tell you if he's a jerk or if you just want everything your way.
Something my cousin said to me right before I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) comes to mind in this situation. She said, "Living with someone else means picking your battles. I used to get so angry with Matt because I would do the laundry, put his in a basket, and set it in the bedroom. Instead of putting it away he'd just take it out of the basket as he needed it and it drove me CRAZY. Finally one day I realized.....it bugged me.....not him......and I started taking the extra 5 minutes to just put his laundry away for him. I realized he had lived like this before me and it wasn't worth an argument to try and change him."
In all reality are you really going to be out anything if you go to a work xmas party alone? Nope. Would it be nice if he went? Of course. But it really shouldn't be a deal breaker.
Same with the photo. We did a xmas photo with our dog but she is OUR dog and we BOTH consider her part of our family. I do think it's odd that you wanted him to do a xmas card with "your" horse. If it isn't his, and he doesn't ride with you, isn't his thing then ok....compromise.....do a photo with just the two of you and do a collage xmas card adding a smaller photo of the animals...... Seems to me these are kind of little things that "so important" to you. Ask yourself...."is this a deal breaker?" If not, then move on. If it is, then get out.
The first two examples I am team you: I sometimes go to social events or do things with DH solely b.c. they are important to him. He does the same for me.
The third example with the dog, I am team him. I say this as a person with a house full of pets and foster pets. Taking care of an animal when one person is not on board is very difficult, can be a huge stresser and leads to resentment. A pet in the house is a long term commitment and can really change things. I would want to discuss why he is reluctant, but if he isn't on board I wouldn't do it.
It sounds like generally you all would do better if he could verbalize why certain things make him uncomfortable and be open to a discussion. We all make compromises and do things we wouldn't otherwise do just for our partners, that's married life. He should be able to compromise, and discuss compromise, at least sometimes.
Thank you for all of your responses. I do agree if he isnt on board with getting another dog I shouldnt do it, and I am not going to do it.
He isnt rigid and we do a lot of things together that we both enjoy doing. These are legit the only 3 examples I have in the past say 3 years of living together. Not exactly a bad track record.
We talked last night and I did express to him I wish he would be more willing to compromise with me on things. I do offer him things to make it easier for him, in the example of going to a work party, it was a very casual affair. I offered him to invite a mutual friend of ours (but more his friend) to bring along with him.
Hopefully things will be different next time a situation arises...
I'm also happy for you that you guys had taken the time to sit and talk. Communication is VERY important and so is compromising. If my FI and I don't agree on doing something or whatever...we always take the time to do this.