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Found shifty med report in fiance's drawer - help
I am a victim of abuse growing up from my parents and have been going to therapy for years to work on my trust issues. My 34-year-old fiance loves me and on all counts is wonderful; however, several strange things have occurred. (1) Several months ago, I opened his bedside drawer to put something away, and I found tons of condoms, not only in the top one, but the bottom two as well, in addition to several bottles of a Viagra type medicine filled in 2009. I was shocked and grossed out by this because when we were first intimate, it appeared to me that he had no idea what he was doing sexually, but I thought he was such a kind person that I let it pass. Several weeks later, he is a sexual dynamo, doing it several times in a row and being hard all the time, etc. When I asked him about it, he got angry that I went through his drawer and said the condoms were for us (note: I've been on the pill and we haven't used condoms since we became exclusive) and the Viagra-type pill was from a few years ago and he was worried about his performance but it was for "just in case." He was embarrassed about his performance with me and had gotten the condoms "for practice" since when he was with me at first, seemed to go through a bunch that wouldn't stay on. He said he would get rid of them, though. I had always thought of him to be a bit nerdy, a late bloomer, and inexperienced. That is, until we ran into a girl in his elevator who he used to sleep with in 2009 who he hadn't "seen for years."
(2) I checked a few months later and the condoms were still there. I ask him, again, he's angry that I looked through his drawers. He said he forgot about them. He knows I'm on the Pill, so I'm wondering if he's keeping them for someone else?
(3) Last weekend, I was putting away clothes and in the drawer below mine, found a drawer full of messy paper and pick up artist books (how to get a beautiful woman into bed, etc.). Went to another drawer and when I went through it, found a paper from a doctor that said "lesion on shaft of penis." I found an accompanying paper prescribing a gel that's for genital warts. Through our time together, he has never had any lesions so I found this strange. I made copies of the papers only to show him when I would ask him about it and put them in my purse.
(4) I couldn't sleep worrying about the possibility that I may have gotten something from him, so at 4am (he was already up from a tooth pain) I asked him about it, He became angry with me again for looking through his drawer, said he's never had an STD, and was tested last week when he went to the doctor. I told him that this affects my health too and ability to have children, so I need to know this stuff. I went to my purse to show him the paper, but changed my mind.
(5) The next day I realized the papers were gone from my purse and he had asked me if I had taken any papers from his drawer. We had a big argument - I asked how he can ask me to move in with him if he yells at me for looking in his drawers. He kept saying, "You never should have gone through my drawers."
I'm not sure what to do about this. Is it possible he never had an STD, and got the medicine as a preventive measure? Why didn't he just say when I asked? He hasn't lied to me in the past about things but is a lawyer and tends to omit things. He also tends to change his phone password weekly as well as delete recent calls - he says that he's very paranoid about his security, and as a lawyer, uses those disposable phone cards to make calls from his office phone. I don't know what to make of all of this. In discussing this with my therapist and close friends, they tell me that he is in love with me and adores me, but this stuff doesn't make sense. Please help and don't judge me. Thanks.
Re: Found shifty med report in fiance's drawer - help
I forgot to mention several things since I was upset while typing this. When I asked about the Pick Up Artist books, he said they were from his past before he met me, and that he didn't like the advice that was in there (to be mean to women, etc.), so I believed him. He said he would throw them out and did. He's a pretty messy person and his drawers and usually full of old papers, receipts and things from years ago.
The paper from the doctor regarding the lesion was written in 2009.
A pick up artist book, really? I haven't seen one of those in years.
I don't know what's with all the paraphenalia and books and medical reports but I do know that something here is sure rotten in Paris.
I think you need to cut this guy loose. Either he's stuck in some kind of fantasy world (maybe he's calling for phone sex and not involved with some other woman/man) or he's involved with somebody you don't know about.
At any rate, something is weird here. GL.
ETA: a lot of those "viagra like" concoctions advertised as "they really work!" "Cure your erection problems the NATURAL way!!" etc are gimmicks and come ons (as it were) and just plain phoney and rip offs, along with being potentially dangerous...and maybe even placebos. He probably sent away for it thinking he was going to get something great.... and who knows what happened after that? Maybe it's been in that drawer collecting dust.
I'm so sorry!
I've been through something very much like this a few years ago. I stayed with him, he's now my husband and I still don't trust him. Once the trust is gone, it doesn't come back.
Again I'm sorry.
I would start counting the condoms to see if they slowly decrease, check his phone records/computer and email or through all his shady stuff in the trash can... I know, none are good options.
I caught my ex cheating many times, one way being through the condoms in the drawer. Look at the serial number on the condoms, not just counting them. My ex would simply make sure to replace whatever condoms he'd used when he knew I'd be coming over. It was the serial/lot # on the box (which is also printed on the condom wrappers) that let me know they were being used. If your man has half a brain, he wouldn't use those condoms in the drawer anyway if he's cheating since he knows you check for them.
But really, if you feel the need to check or you're having suspicions/doubts, leave him. You don't trust him in the first place for whatever reason, and the lack of trust alone is not worth staying IMO. There's paperwork confirming a lesion and medication prescribed. That deserved an open, honest conversation from him, not an argument, no matter how you acquired that information. And really, he should've told you all of that before you found the paperwork. Also, genital warts is not curable and can be transmitted at anytime, whether or not he's having an outbreak, no matter when the last outbreak was. Save yourself the stress. There's nothing like being in a relationship with a guy that you trust 100%.
Sony, if you don't trust the guy, then why in the hell are you ttc with him?!