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Losing respect for my in laws
So I always got along great with my IL's however, I feel like I lose respect for them when their spoiled daughter treats them like dirt. She always has always disrespected her parents, but it seems worse now that she's 18.
MIL seems to look the other way or acts like nothing is wrong when SIL disrespects her, calls her names, and tells her to "Shut F Up" in front of me. FIL just rolls his eyes. (BTW, she is their menopause child with a 12 year gap between her & DH) She also stays out all hours of the night, drinking and trashing the car they bought her. She never tells anyone where she is going because "Shes an adult and doesn't have to answer to anyone". I personally think they should kick her out and stop buying her what ever she wants.
I tell DH this makes me uncomfortable, but he says it's his parents problem and he is to stay out of it. OK, I agree, but I finally confronted MIL and asked her why she lets SIL talk to her like that, her lame excuse..... "Well...She's 18..."
My IL's dont seem cool anymore....
Re: Losing respect for my in laws
Not to sound mean but that's your problem, not your ILs, not your husbands, not your SILs. It affects you because you let it. It's silly. It's ridiculous to expect everyone to handle an 18 year old the way YOU see fit. They got their way of dealing, it just so happens to be different from how you would handle it. So be it.
If it really upsets you to the point that you can't stand to be around them (which for the record, I think is plain stupid), then limit your exposure to the family. But be prepared for a shitstorm of hurt feelings, resentment, etc.
Bottom line, I vote for "get over it."
As everyone else says - follow your DH.
Your lesson learned here, you will not raise your children to be this way. I also doubt you will let your IL's take care of any children you may have w/DH. The main concern I would have, is if your DH thinks this parenting method is okay and would be fine raising your own childrent that way.
Feel sad for your IL's, feel very sad for your SIL. Your SIL is begging for some structure and guidance and instead, she is being spoiled and not taught how to take care of herself as an adult.
No "yes, but".
This is none of your business and your husband has asked you to reserve judging a situation that does not concern you and around which you have no expertise.
What does menopause have to do with this anyway? From where I sit, it means they're perhaps more mature and experienced as parents and are able to choose their battles. Frankly, you sound a little jealous. Are you one of those people who needs to be special because she's so "good"?
I agree...you really have to stay out of it and let them deal with her their way.
It's goes the same way when someone gives their unwanted opinion on how to raise a child. Most people don't appriciate the feedback or people nosing around in their business.
I'm not saying it's right how she's acting (personally if she was my child...well it would have never gotten to this point to begin with) but they are your in law's and you have to respect their decision on how to raise her. Just be happy that you have nice in laws. Some people can't stand being around theirs.
I'd listen to your DH.
My SIL is in her upper 20's and takes advantage of my inlaws, treats them poorly (not always), and is otherwise immature. For example, SIL lives out of state (she is getting a graduate degree, kind of) and wanted to come to meet our son. MIL paid for her plane ticket, paid for a driver to get her from the airport, etc - all because SIL "doesn't have the money and really wants to meet her nephew". SIL would have money if she (a) got a job or (b) saved/prioritized her money. She had the money to go on a two-day bike trip, an out-of-state bachelorette party, and a variety of other social events. But she knows the inlaws will pay to bring her home if she plays the pity card, so why bother even trying to prioritize her own money?
My inlaws need to stop enabling my SIL - that's their problem, not mine. SIL's behavior does irritate me, but honestly, it has nothing to do with me other than she is my SIL. The inlaws can choose to spend their money as they'd like. If they want to get used, it's sad, but I cannot stop them.
I agree with your H.
You don't have to agree with your ILS choices, but it's not your job to tell them how to manage their relationship with their adult daughter. You can voice your opinions privately with your H (although he may get sick of listening to you - he sees his sis with his own eyes, he knows what she is like).
I do think if your SIL is treating your MIL badly, you can leave the room. You don't have to sit there and watch her treat your ILS with disrespect.
If SIL crosses the line and starts expecting things from YOU, or starts disrespecting you or DH, then you can step in.