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The controlling MIL
Hi all,
My husband and I are coming up on 1 year in a few weeks. Yay! Everything is great, except for his mother. She doesn't like me and will say nasty things to me/about me, but I can handle that. What I can't handle is her controlling ways over my husband. And he gives in because that's how he was raised!
Trying to make a long story short - his mother has always been controlling over everything and I don't think has ever heard the word no. She wants what she wants and will literally pitch fits to get it (yes, like a 2 year old) and the people in her life always give in and give her what she wants. Well, I don't and that has caused her all sorts of distress. The problem is, she wants my husband to spend quantity time (not necessarily quality time) with her 3-4 times a week!! And when she doesn't get this she storms around, treats us bad when we do show up and throws us out of her house in a temper tantrum, gets her husband (my FIL) to call my husband and persuade him to spend time with her. And unfortunately he gives in and does. My husband knows it upsets me that he gives in to her demanding ways, so he actually sneaks around to see her - like going to lunch with her during the work week and not telling me. Sometimes I find out, and probably many times I don't. It's really causing a huge issue with us. We've talked about it more than I would like (I'm sick of talking about my MIL!!) but I think we're either skirting around the main issue or he's just not getting how serious of a problem this is. My MIL is super-jealous of how much time my husband spends with me, and I'm worried as to what road this will go down. She guilts/manipulates him and I see more "bad" behaviour (sneaking around to talk/see his parents) the more time he spends around them. I'm worried as to how this will effect our marriage in the long run. I don't want a broken marriage because my MIL is a control-freak and my husband is too afraid to say no to her.
Suggestions? I'm running on desparate here! Thanks!
Re: The controlling MIL
What he needs to do:
Man up starting now and let her know that her behavior toward you will not be permitted and that she is to be civil to you at all times
End the frequent visits to her -- and do not get the phone when either one of them calls. Let it go to voicemail.
If they come to your place do not get the door. Who cares if she sees you inside, not getting up to get the doorbell --- they'll get the picture soon enough that if they are NOT expected you and he will not be ansering the door.
His first obligation is TO YOU. You come first.
MayBE if she needs this or that and you and he can spare the time, THEN he can come over to do what it is. She's got toget it that he and you are now your own family unit and if she doesn't get it, too bad.
Your MIL is your secondary problem, your primary problem is your H. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept of you two being a family, THE family he needs to give his attention to. The fact that he would dismiss the issue would concern me, together with the fact that he's sneaking around to make his mother happy after you've made it clear that there's a problem. You two need to agree, as a family, on how to deal with this type of situations, what boundaries to set and present a tight front.
He needs to tell his mother that her behaviour is coming in the way of his family and must stop immediately, or else you'll take a break from her (them) entirely. Problem is, unless he's on board with you on this, he won't do it; in which case I would suggest going to couple's counseling to help him get his priorities straight.
The next time she throws you out of the house don't go back. Your DH thinks this is normal and he needs to break the cycle. He probably isn't going to do this without help be it therapy or consequences. Him going to lunch is not a problem it is he is sneaky about it and your FIL calling has to stop. Give your H some phrases to repeat until it sinks in with them. He is too weak.
Do not have children with this man. Your MIL will bad talk you to them and he will be sneaking them over, too.
While I agree that you have a DH problem....what's so bad about your H spending his lunch hour with his mom, if it is not interfering with his time with you or his job? Yes, the lying / hiding info from you is an issue - - but why would you have a problem with this? Just because it means that "MIL is getting what she wants?" Choose your battles.
You cannot change your husband or your MIL, you can only manage your own actions. I think it would be better if you told H what your boundries were. First of all, I WOULD have a problem with MIL being nasty to me. That would not be acceptible, and I would expect my H to have my back and tell her to cut it out.
If someone were to bad-mouth me, I would not go to their home, and they would not be welcome in mine. And when I say "they would not be welcome in mine" - - if that person stopped by my house and was welcomed by my H while I was out, H would be moving out of my house and in with them.
If I were in your shoes, I would tell H that he is welcome to see his mom if it doesn't interfere with time you spend as a couple (so, lunch hour is ok), but that YOU will not be seeing her 3x a week, and if you go to her home and she mistreats you, the two of you will be leaving. Or you will be leaving - and he can get his dad to drive him home. You will not return without an apology - even for Christmas or Thanksgiving (and you will not be spending holidays apart, so too bad for MIL).
DH's stepmom used to treat me and DH horribly, and I kept my mouth shut so he could have a relationship with his dad. Within MONTHS of my refusing to go back (except for Christmas, Father's Day and FILs birthday) but telling H he was free to visit all he wanted....H stopped contact with his dad b/c he could not take his stepmom without me there.
Alright, I agree with the other posters that your husband's inability to say no to his mother or to stand up to her is your biggest problem, however, a few other thoughts came to mind as well.
1. I feel that if it were reversed and you came on here saying that you had to hide your interactions with your parents from your husband, people would say that your husband is controlling, borderline abusive, is distancing your from your family, etc. Can you honestly say that you're not doing the same to your husband? I think it is sad that he feels the need to hide his interactions with his family from you.
2. Him having lunch with his mother - how does this effect YOU, exactly? In fact, maybe this can become a standard thing between him and his mother - lunch every Wednesday or something like that. With that being her regular time with her son one on one that she can anticipate, that they both enjoy and that they both look forward to - how can that not be a good thing that should be encouraged? In fact, if you were to suggest it yourself that may help toward smoothing over the relationship? Just a thought.
3. I'm wondering about a few details - say, on the weekends, how much time do the two of your or just your husband spend with his parents? Is it every day of every weekend? Or is there a regular, long standing Sunday dinner that is the problem for you? In an average week, how many evenings is he spending with his parents? His friends? At home? Is your husband an only child? Is your MIL in poor health which might be causing her to obsess over quality time? Are there cultural issues at play?
I think it is easiest to say "your husband is a spineless asshat and your MIL is a crazy, controlling witch" and that you should / must take a hardline approach of setting firm boundaries (don't answer phones or doors, say NO!, don't allow him to see his parents, etc.) and if that doesn't work you should cut them out of your lives and if that doesn't work you should pack your bags and leave,etc. I think it's harder to look at what might be causing such issues, getting to the root of the problem and taking positive and sometimes gentle steps to fix things.
I think that small, easy things like a regular lunch date with her son could go a long way in this situation. Stuff like that, a bit of give and take. Every lunch? Probably not, but again, how does that effect you? 3 lunches and 2 evenings? A bit much. But give her a lunch date and that also provides something to refer her back to when she calls and wants to hang out or talk about something, your husband's easy go-to answer could be - yeah, remind me about it and we'll talk about that when I see you on Wednesday, or - bring it with you on Wednesday at lunch and I'll take a look at it for you, etc.
And I completely agree that he needs to stand up to her and enforce that she at the very least be civil and polite to his wife.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This.
This behavior didn't start when he said his vows. You ignored the signs that he was too involved with his mother. I would suggest a bit of counseling for you to figure out why you didn't see that red flag for the marriage-crusher it was.
You can't change him. This is what he wants with his mother. And it is more important than you, your marriage and his loyalty to you. He made his choice. Let him be some other woman's problem. Namely, his mother.
Yep, I'm really sorry this is happening to you! I honestly don't see how it could ever be better for you, so you might as well be strong and get out sooner rather than later.
You married a man who'd have preferred to have married his own mother. Before you know it you could be having children with a man who'd have preferred to have them with his mother... scarier, right? As PP said, I'm sure the signs were there, now you can't but face them. Good luck!
I was re-reading your update and wanted to add that you did choose him already and so did he when he pronounced his vows. Only he doesn't, nor did, understand what has actually happened at the wedding, or what those vows actually mean.
Don't beat yourself over this. You might think that your life is miserable now, I'm telling you HIS is! You have a future outside of this relationship, he doesn't. Let him and his mother have a ball "reuniting"
Again, good luck!
I just don't agree with this part. I don't think that he should feel the need to hide his interactions with his own parents from you.
It kind of sounds like he has gone from one controlling woman (mother) to another (wife), and that the two of you are battling for control. Not exactly a healthy relationship, by any means. I also think that in some families that seeing each other 3x/week, especially if they live close, is not considered excessive. I sincerely wish that we could see our families 3x/week.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I think he feels the need to hide it because he's embarrassed he let his mother treat his wife poorly and wasn't (isn't) man enough to stand up for her. I might be wrong but I don't think he's hiding because OP is controlling, rather because he doesn't have a clean conscience but is too dependent to make the adult decision and stand up for his wife already.
In his mind, she "doesn't get along" with his parents, whereas the truth is that he's a little mama's boy who has confused the wife with an accessory. He knows it and sneaks around hoping to get away with it indefinitely.
So.... with your update, he basically has no plans to change.
How long have you been with him? And this is a serious question - knowing how he is w/ his mom, why did you marry him? These issues didn't crop up on August 29th, 2011.
He's clearly always going to put her first. Is this how yo uwant to live the rest of your life?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
*coming out of lurkdom*
THIS. As another PP said, if you came on here and the roles were reversed, everyone would be telling you that YH is controlling and manipulative. His behaviour is excessive and there's no denying that he's a momma's boy, but your reaction to him spending with his mother is strong. It's like you both allowed this to spiral out of control; you tried to pull him in and away from his mother harshly, so maybe he went to his mom for an escape? You both have possibly created what you feared.
You said that he shares his joys and hardships with his mother first, before you. I agree that is strange, but why is he doing this? I'm not saying what he's doing is right, but there must be a reason he's not going to you first. If he has always done this and you expected it to change, that was unrealistic of you. If this is new, you need to explore and find out why.
You complained that your family lives the same distance away and you've only seen them twice this year. Why can't you go see your family sometimes when he goes and sees his? The fact that he has to sneak around to see his mom is sad. I think you're ignoring the fact that you have a part in this too. You keep saying "he's giving in to his mother's demands", but you have to realize he wants to see his mom too. It's not just her. DH loves his mom, and enjoys spending time with her. I love my mom, and love seeing her too. We see our families several times a week because we live 10-15 minutes away. We still have a healthy, loving relationship and we always put each other first. It wasn't easy at first because DH was really attached to him mom, but we discussed it and compromised and found a good balance.
I don't think this relationship is doomed but it could be tough to get you both to react to each other better. He needs to be less wimpy and put you first, you need to stop micromanaging his life. Sorry you're going through this.
*crawing back under my lurker rock*