Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Newly weds new baby new house with grandma. Advice?
Ok so here's the deal... My grandfather just passed away at the start of the month, and my grandmother no longer wants to live where she does because all her family is back this way.they have loads of $ in rrsps and from life insurance. So my grandmother asked me if she put a down payment on a duplex or house with granny flat, and we split all the bills equal n mortgage payments split equal, that we can live next to her and the house will be ours when she passes. We currently rent a very small space, just moved here in June, we had to move because our little surprise baby was born in July and we were forced to live here bc of what little time we ad to get settled for baby's arrival.so this is a great opportunity for us and a great way to start out... But one problem...how do I negotiate privacy. I love my grandma but I don't want to have supper together every night or to have surprise walk ins. And I also want to raise my daughter and give her heck without grandma standing here with an ice cream cone...know what I mean? Help!!!!
Re: Newly weds new baby new house with grandma. Advice?
Living in very very close proximity to a close relative or with a close relative is not a good idea. It's ill advised for many reasons -- and what is particularly ill advised here is doing business, more or less, with a relative.
If something happens that's untoward it can have a bad end for everybody involved.
I'd keep the small place where you are right now and tell grandma to go ahead and do what she wants, living wise.
In this neck of the woods they used to call houses like that mother-daughter homes.
maybe only if there is an actual door you can lock seperating the spaces
if she's young...it might be 20-30 years before that house is yours because hopefully she lives to a be strong and healthy.
But in that time, your situation can change....you may be able to afford your own house (or a even just need a bigger space, you could have triplets), so what do you do then? Leave grandma to fly solo? Have to hand it over to another family member?
Not really.
Ok, I guess living in a house that someone else paid for IS an opportunity, but you already realize that there will be some serious strings attached. The loss of your privacy, the loss of your autonomy.....those are some heavy prices to pay for the "opportunity" of living in a house that someone else bought and allows you to live in.
I'd much rather live in a small space with my family while keeping my privacy and autonomy.
What is your grandma like? Is she a busybody? Does she have an active, full life that really doesn't revolve around you?
You might ask her what she envisions for the day-to-day living situation. Does she see the four (+) of you having meals together? Does she want to be your go-to sitter? Or does she just want to live near someone who would realize that it has been quiet in her apt, and would check on her, and that your H will mow the lawn and lift heavy boxes when she needs it?
What would the mortgage be? Would it be less or equal to what you pay in rent? If yes, then I would give it a try. Make a legal document that states you will be joint owners with survival rights (so you aren't paying the mortgage, and then she turns around and wills it to someone else), and include a clause that you can rent out your half if your family expands / you choose to move. DEFINATELY talk to a lawyer beforehand if you are going to jointly own the property.
The bolded is something to think about. My parents live in a house between my grandma (mom's mom) and aunt/uncle (mom's brother/SIL). There are no issues that I know of because they all live their own lives and don't pop in on each other without notice.
If you can't have a frank and open conversation about separate doors/entrances, meals and respecting your parenting then I don't think this situation bodes well for you.
At all.
In general, I don't think it's a good idea to live with your parents or grandparents unless someone is physically unable to take care of himself or herself and needs lots of help. If your grandma is still able-bodied and in good mental health, there's no reason you need to be up each other's asses all the time.
Additionally, you will be stuck with this house for quite awhile. You sound pretty young, and what is right for your family now might be very different from what is right for your family a few years down the road. If you have more kids, a duplex or shared house with grandma might start to feel really cramped. While this arrangement might be beneficial to everyone for the time being, your situation will likely change in the future and you won't have much flexibility to make any changes.
It's making a deal with the devil.
One of my cousins did this with my grandmother. My grandmother raised my cousin from toddler on. Grandmother lost her husband, had a paid off house she sold to provide a down payment on a nicer home in a nicer town. My cousin and her DH paid the mortgage and the bulk of the operating costs. Grandmother provided housekeeping and childcare. It wasn't a bad deal at first. My cousin's DH is a really mellow guy who enjoyed my grandmother and doted on her.
They bought the house as JT in common which was a problem twice. When my cousin and her husband divorced, extracting his share from the house was especially complicated. But not where near as messy as when my grandmother went into a nursing home.
Why not just have grandma buy something locally and perhaps rent from her? That way if it doesn't work out, you aren't entangled. One of my dear friends moved her mom to our community when her dad died. Her mom and she (as JT) bought a small townhouse around the corner from her SFH. She could still leave it to you when she passes if she wishes to.
Definitely have this conversation with your grandmother. Also talk to her about what her feelings would be if it didn't work out and what the plan of action might be in that case. Also ask her if she's thought about whether she'll get sick of you guys and how much is too much babysitting. Ask what your role will be in choosing the home. See if she would be willing to visit an attorney who would explain the different ramifications of different types of ownership. The more frank this conversation is, the better indication you will have about whether this will work for you.
Also ask *yourself* if your grandma has any history of being overbearing or respecting your ability to make decisions for yourself. Does she get along with your husband? How does she resolve conflict? How do you resolve conflict? Will you and your husband be comfortable speaking your mind?
It's obviously a huge compromise and there's no right answer. Try to be as realistic and informed about the situation as possible, then decide if both you and your H agree that the benefits outweigh the burdens.