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this really baffles me....( maybe guys can answer this?)
I was just browsing facebook and my best friend's ex is now engaged. This baffles me because my best friend is AWESOME. And, I'm really trying to speak from an unbiased perspective. She's seriously hot, smart, sweet, thoughtful, creative, giving, she's just a total package. This guy dated her for 2 months, then sort of strung her along for a while with a booty call, then disappearing for a month, then another booty call, etc. Only to coldly dump her via text message the day after New Year's.
I know also (because the ex and I actually went to high school together and hence have tons of mutual friends) that he was single for a while after playing my friend. Now he's with this new girl, crazy in love and ENGAGED? He told my friend he didn't want a commitment. He was all upset because his father died recently and pulled the "I just can't right now" line.
I just feel like I see this happen a lot. A couple goes through an intense relationship, and then the guy leaves the girl cause he's "unable to commit" or "doesn't want marriage ever" or whatever. Then BOOM! Engaged to some other chick in like 2 seconds. What's the deal here, because my friend is not the only one this happened to. Any brave men want to explain? I'm so mad for her right now. ARG!
Re: this really baffles me....( maybe guys can answer this?)
Not a guy but men need to man up and say to the woman, "Listen, Mary -- I think you're a great lady but I don't think we will cut it as a couple. I'm going to be going my separate way; sorry."
Why not be honest? It's to the point and not saying anything sh!tty to the person.
You'd be surprised what guys concoct when they aren't interested anymore. A friend of mine was dating this guy; they were with each other constantly. He was talking about buying a ring and they were about to partake on that venture and then out of nowhere, he broke it off.
He blamed his job for the reason. "I might be getting laid off...." Within a few weeks, he was with somebody else. Go figure.
Srsly? Your JOB??? What a damn cop out.
Tarpon Monoxide, I always love your comments. And yeah, I don't understand why guys do this. I hate to quote Sex and the City but "NOT having that awkward conversation to avoid being 'the bad guy'...is what makes ya 'the bad guy'".
My friend was there for him when his dad died, and even made a beautiful painting to commemorate his father (not a portrait or anything creepy, just symbolic and more spiritual). And this guy STILL has that painting as his profile picture on facebook. What a tool. He never called or saw her to dump her, just a text and that was that. She reached out several times to no avail. I hope this new girl is ready for a rollercoaster ride. I don't think toads can magically turn into princes that easily. WOW I am so pissed.
My take on this is that as awesome a person that someone might be, it doesn't mean that "any" guy out there is the right guy for them. This guy wasn't the right guy for your friend, and vice versa.
I don't think the "i don't want to commit" is a "thing that guys do". I just think that in THAT relationship, it's not working for the guy and the way he sees it is that he doesn't want to get married to that person. Saying "I don't want to get married EVER" might be a cop out, OR it could be that in that moment, that's what they really are thinking - it's not something they see themselves wanting.
But then they go on to meet the truly right person and it all becomes clear.
I have quite a few friends that dated people that were great people, and I could see why they liked the person. But it just didn't seem quite right. Then later, they met the right person and even I and all our other friends ALSO knew it. You could just tell- these 2 are meant for each other.
Personally, I think this is something that ends up landing on the men to deal with because I think the flip side of the problem is that there are way too many women out there who are more focused on keeping a guy, any guy, and getting married, than they are on finding truly the right guy. These boards alone - I see SO many women trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and doing everything to try and keep a guy who CLEARLY isn't really the right guy - but no....... "I might not meet anyone else!!!!!".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
ECB, you are ABSOLUTELY right! And, as much as I hate to admit it, this is my friend. Probably her ONLY flaw. She is just a romantic idealist, and thinks that any guy she meets may be her prince charming. Admittedly, I saw all the red flags with this guy, but she did not. I mean...as I mentioned, he disappeared for a MONTH then wanted a bootie call?! That would have been my breaking point, but she's just so open and trusting and loving that she went for it.
Anyway, I think it's taught her a valuable lesson and she seems to be a bit more "open eyed" going forward. Hopefully that sticks.
So....another quesiton... if you were me and you knew the ex was engaged, would you tell her? I'm thinking no, because I don't want to open old wounds, but I'm a little nervous that she'll find out and get upset that I didn't let her know the truth. We don't really keep secrets from each other. Hmmm.
Personally, I think this is something that ends up landing on the men to deal with because I think the flip side of the problem is that there are way too many women out there who are more focused on keeping a guy, any guy, and getting married, than they are on finding truly the right guy. These boards alone - I see SO many women trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and doing everything to try and keep a guy who CLEARLY isn't really the right guy - but no....... "I might not meet anyone else!!!!!".
Cases in point:
One woman dated her bf for 20 years. THey were engaged twice in that time; both times she called it off. She finally settled for one of those committment ceremonies. She refered to the guy as her husband. Ugh.
Another one said "Ralph isn't the best boyfriend I've had but he's not the worst, either." He was a real winner: cheap --- ordered a meal and had her share it and worse. She knew none of us liked Ralph but she went out with him anyway --- if all of your friends say he's stinko then maybe he is. Sheesh.....
What's funny is both these women were married before. One was divorced, the other one was a widow.
I agree w/ ECB. Just because your friend looks to be the total package, doesn't mean that she will work well in every relationship. Some people have poor communication skills (men and women) and can't just tell the other that it's not right.
Also - aren't you relieved your friend didn't end up with this dude if he couldn't even talk to her about his feelings about the relationship? I once dated a guy who strung me along for a few weeks. He said he'd call, he said we'd hang out and didn't really mean it. In the end, he never told me why and he really didn't owe it to me anyways, but I was glad I dodged that bullet.
The picture you're painting of your friend - while she may have all these positives, she also sounds insecure too. Trust me - that's not attractive to men!
And I guess I'm a little baffled as to why you're mad at this guy when he sounds like a douche. THANK GOD he ditched her and moved on!
As far as telling her- if you know she'd be hurt to find out later AND know that you knew, then tell her. If it's going to open old wounds and really upset her - that tells me she hasn't moved on from this guy. Maybe knowing will help her move on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm more mad at the injustice of it all. The fact that he didn't treat his relationship with my friend with ANY respect, yet apparently this other woman is good enough to put a ring on!? Since when does this man know about commitment? I'd be less upset if he remained a skeezy player. At least it would be easier to say, well he's just a jerk. But it seems he's only a jerk TO MY FRIEND.
Yes, in the end I'm glad she dodged the bullet with him, but still, it's infuriating that my friend wasn't the one who was able to inspire this sudden romance/devotion out of him.
It wasn't that he was not ready for a commitment, he was just did not want a commitment with her. Some guys will spout that line because they don't have the balls to tell the woman the truth to her face.
Having said that, it is also a relief to see someone else point out that many women seem ready for a commitment with a man, not necessarily to the man they are with because of who he is, just to the man who is willing to return the favor.
TO respond to your question of "should you tell your friend hes engaged". (as everything else seems to have had some response).
Does she have any other way of finding out? Maybe she already knows? Does she still care about this guy?
I would tell her if any of these questions is a yes.
I have a dear dear friend who is amazing, was with this guy who told her he loved her, who treated her like a princess for 4 years. He let it slip to her mom that he had boughten an engagment ring for her. Then he got a job an hour away, started hanging out with new people in the city, started brushing her off, not having time to see her, not calling etc...but when he did make time he still told her he loved her and how he couldnt wait to have a family with her. Well then he disappeared completely one day...changed his number, she couldnt find him, mutual friends wouldnt tell her anything except to "move on". She was devestated. About 6 months after this she was travelling, on the other side of the world visiting a friend who had been a mutual friend, so 6 months later, far away from home she finds out hes engaged....and has been for 3 months....
She was devestated. In her words - she wished someone at home had just told her he was with someone else so that she could start to grieve and move on, instead of dwelling on what went wrong, or if she should look him up, or mail him a letter or what. That it fricking hurt to hear, but it freed her to really mourn the loss of what she had beleived to be a lifelong relationship.
So I say tell her, its almost always better to know, and its better to find out sooner and from a friend then later and from a source that might cause it to hurt more.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
This exactly.
Hi, new to Nest but I'll just dive right in. I agree with ECB as well
Also, so many girls have been in the same position as your friend. You mentioned she's so open and willing to find love it seems she ended up letting him walk all over her. It's not okay for guys to treat girls the way he did. However, girls should respect themselves more and no their worth. If they have major feelings for a guy, the moment it becomes a booty call for him.... they will only get hurt. The guy is also seeing a side to the girl that he probably doesn't want long term.
I'm not judging your friend in any way (with my booty call comment)....I've been there too. Just glad to have found a man who has made me realize how special it really is to give yourself to someone.
Woman need to remember, you teach people how to treat you.
.....is why she must bear a healthy dose of the responsibility for the treatment. Not to be misunderstood, it's not her fault that this guy's an ***. It IS her fault that she kept dealing with him once she knew that.
As for telling her, if you don't keep secrets from each other, I wouldn't start with this one. Find a diplomatic way to say *** changed his facebook status to engaged - don't add an i'm sorry or thought you'd want to hear it from me, because it isn't bad news. My apologies if this sounds insensitive, but this wasn't a relationship, it was 8 weeks of intermittent booty calls, some accompanying grief (for him) and a lesson (for her) that almost every woman has had to learn and yes, it sucks so bring some kleenex and vanilla bean espresso haagen dazs and keep being a great girlfriend.
<<you teach people how to treat you>>
sorry if it sounds soapboxy, but echoing this.
Thanks ladies,
I absolutely agree with you all. My friend really did allow herself to be treated that way. Trust me when I say I gave her plenty of lectures about how she should drop him and move on. I tried to point out the red flags, but she didn't want to see. All I can say is, when you fall for someone, as we all have, you know it's not so easy to be logical. I really feel for her (as much as I want to scream "I TOLD YOU SO!!!").
This all happened in January, and as much as she claims she's over it, I'm not so sure. I think that she may be over this particular guy, as she sees he's an inconsiderate jerk who never contacted her again. But I think that her confidence is shattered, and she now has trust issues with anyone new. I tested the waters when this guy came up in conversation recently, and said "oh forget about him, I can tell from FB that he's going out and about with his guy friends and not really missing you". That alone made her VERY upset.
I didn't even get to the "engaged" part yet, and the idea of him being out and having fun without her was enough for her to get all bent out of shape. Maybe I'll wait a bit longer to break the news...who knows? This guy may even drop his "Fiance" and telling my friend would be all for nought.
It's a break up, it's completely understandable that messes with her confidence. As opposed to saying something like yeah girl he don't miss you at all (which I get but your phrasing will further fyck with her lack of self worth right now) start by asking her to keep several things in mind: 1) how he treated her 2) how it felt for her to be treated like that and 3) how much sooner there could've been resolution if she'd had the truth about him (she did, but that's not helpful to point out either). Now {if you tell her} she can make a fully informed decision to move on.
btw, "VERY upset" is not about this specific dude. 7 months to be overly mournful about an 8 week relationship would indicate there are deeper contributing factors to her sadness, that is not standard.
p.p.s. (almost done, I swear) about ending relationships, even if you were right, never submit to the temptation to say I told you so to a friend, it makes you the a@@hole.
I'm with you 100%. First off, I would never actually say "I told you so". LOL. I know that would be awful and quite douchey!
The reason I told had her about him going out was that she was considering emailing him AGAIN to test the waters and gage his reaction. So I basically told her, "Look, he's doing fine. I see him in photos (again, the ex and I have mutual friends). If he wanted to get in contact again, he'd make the first move."
But she can't handle even that much info. It is concerning for the reasons you mentioned above. I wonder if she should talk to a therapist or something. But she is old-school European and doesn't believe in therapy.
On a positive note, she is starting to go on some dates this week with a couple of dudes from a dating site. Hopefully they are decent and make her feel a little better.