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Is this normal?
My future husband is an only child and his parents can be clingy. Here's what happened this weekend... he talked to his Mom for about 20 mins and his Dad, about an hour on Saturday. They each called him later on in the day, sent him text messages, then called me. He did not return their calls. His Dad called him twice today, then sent him a text saying "Please call." We were out and about, we're busy - we're getting married in two weeks (yay!). They also put pressure on him to call his grandparents and aunt. He's nearly 30 - why do they tell him who to call and when? I digress....
Since he's an only child and essentially the only nephew to his aunt/grandson to his grandparents (I say essentially because there are other kiddo's, just a strange/distant relationship, won't go into it) it's as if he's their only source of happiness. It's a lot of pressure to have on him on top of working a pretty crappy job, planning a wedding, getting through the first year of home ownership, etc. They just call too much, and the conversations are far too long (on average, about an hour per phone call), it's damn near impossible to get off the phone with them.
My question is, is this normal? I come from a very laid back family - we talk a couple times a week, usually 5-10 minutes each (sometimes more, sometimes less, depends on the topic of conversation). I don't make a big stink about his family, altough I know it annoys him to no end. But are other families like this? What's a normal amount of conversation with your parents in a given week? I've encouraged him to talk to them about it since it upsets him, he just doesn't want a problem. As far as I'm concerned, it's his problem, he can handle it how he sees fit. (When they call me, I follow his lead, ignore the call if he doesn't want to talk to them, so I don't get pulled into it too much). What do you guys think?
Re: Is this normal?
I don't know...I am more like you. I talk to my parents at most once a week. They are actually the ones that are so busy, it is hard to catch them at home when they are free to really chat.
I dated a guy once that was an only child and I must say it was a lot like you describe. He spoke to his parents quite a lot by phone and the conversations would last an hour on a regular basis (foreign to me, my talks with my parents last at most 20 minutes and usually less).
It didn't really bother me though, that is the difference. I thought it was different and odd to me but didn't really have any other thoughts about it. When things went down later on and his mother was hateful to me, he had my back and distanced from her, so I suppose if that dynamic were different and he was a total mama's boy I would have felt resentful of their long talks.
I think the right amount of contact is as much as makes you feel happy and connected and loved, instead of pressured/ annoyed/ enmeshed (or on the other side, distant/ disconnected). That level is different for everybody, even within the same family. For some people, two or three times a week is just right but once a day is too much, for others, once a day or once a week or once a month might be the right amount. It just depends.
That said, there are gentle ways to set limits if the current level of contact is too much. I.e. "Mom, I've loved catching up with you, but I need to go for now. I'll give you a call Wednesday around 7- does that work for you?" And then call her, Wednesday at 7. Often when there's too much contact, the other side just withdraws- if you offer alternative, concrete plans to call or visit them, it shows you still do want to talk to them- you're just not always available.
I like that, thanks, I'll share with him.
It's tough. All of them are kind of selfish - my FI is selfish with his time, doesn't make an effort to see them enough (sometimes several months will go by and we won't see them). So for them, long conversations are the only way to catch up. But they are also selfish too - they want to do what they want to do, and us just be along for the ride. So it's not like they make us want to be around them. I've suggested we switch off every month - one month, we host something we want to do (dinner out, Phillies game, etc), and the next month, we do the 10 hour long dinner at their house - annoying, yes, but whatever... they are his parents and it makes them happy.
Anyway, thanks ladies. I didn't necessarily think there was a standard out there for the amount of times you chat with parents. But, I do think there is a problem when it becomes annoying to the point that you never want to speak with them and/or see them. We'll work on this together. Thanks again!
If they call any ole time and your FI indulges their whim, he's not only a pushover, he's a patsy for them. If he is NOT expecting their call? Do not get the phone. Let it go over to voicemail.
Don't tolerate this stuff after you are married....YOU are going to be the family so you have first dibs. You are his first obligation.
It's not the frequency of the calls that are such large problem as the time involved.
I chat wih my DD usually when she's driving to work (not hand held). We might IM each other during the day if there's something unusual going on or a final detail about at trip e g or a joke.
Her H phones his mom a few times a week and his dad about the same. Long phone calls are not the norm. Long, personal discussions are held face to face
He's well aware of that. And he generally ignores the calls and calls them back when he's available. But they often give him a hard time - "Did you get my call? DId you listen to my voicemail? Did you get the text I sent you?" I figure rather than constantly ignore phone calls and upset them, why not talk it out and determine a good time to call and a good length of each call. If he knew he could get off the phone in 10-15 mins each time they called him, he'd be more inclined to pick up. It just doesn't work that way though - they will call during the work-week after he's worked 11 hours and commuted 45 mins to an hour, as we're about to eat dinner. If he answered, we'd be eating a cold dinner around 10pm!
And to answer your first question - there is no urgent matter... it's urgent to them ("guess what we ate for dinner tonight!?!?!" "I was watching a show about sharks and learned this...") but no one else really cares. His Dad is like this with other family too - he's just very self-absorbed and thinks whatever is going on in his life is worth sharing and that everyone will be just as excited as he is.
I'm fine with him ignoring the calls but it's just a strange dynamic to me. If they call too much, and it drives him nuts, why not talk about it? To me it's a no-brainer but then again, I come from a very different family.
i'm an only child. my mom and i are super close and email during the day. sometimes we talk at night. i rarely speak to my dad (parents divorced). my dh speaks to his parents a lot too. my girlfriend who has 3 siblings talks to her mom more than me.
in the end there's no standard for this.
if your FI can't figure out a way to speak to his parents another time then i guess you just have to deal with it. in the grand scheme of things i dont really see it as an issue unless it's taking time from something the 2 of you ahve to do when they call. you said he ignores them sometimes, or calls them back. fine. what's the issue here?
Each family and person has a different standard of "normal". Yours and his differ.
If it is annoying him so much let HIM deal with it. If it is annoying to you because it is constant phone ringing or disrupting your time constantly then tell him to handle it.
Turn off ringer when you are home and dont want calls.
I have an only child, she would never put up with
me doing any of this. As pp suggested, nip this
in the bud now.
Your fiance should discuss this with them, they
probably have no idea they are so annoying, give them
a chance to correct their behavior.
As everyone else is saying I think this is different within every family and between different sets of people. DH talks to his Dad only occasionally (anywhere from once a week to every other week and even sometimes a month will go by without them talking) so it might wind up being a half hour conversation of catch up when they do talk. He and his Dad didn't have much of a relationship from his early teens until this year but their working on it. He and his Mom do talk regularly but it's much shorter conversations. She might call him several times a day even but it's not really to chat. It's a question or a situation and as soon as it's handled they hang up. On the other hand, his Mom will call me and want to chat for quite a bit of time after the question/situation is dealt with.
My family is more talkative. I don't talk to my Dad very often, maybe once a week, but usually for about 20 min to catch up on what's been going on. My Mom usually calls/texts multiple times a day and could easily talk for an hour. In her defense there has been a lot happening this year (engagement, wedding, in the process of buying a home, among other things) but my mother is a chatty kathy for sure. I don't mind it much because I'm used to it but my husband gets rather annoyed when she does it to him.
Personally, I think there is a problem here b/c how your H is handling this is not working. His parents are still clinging and intrude on your / his time, and your H is still annoyed. Ignoring his parents isn't making a difference.
Maybe if he told them when he picked up the phone "I only have 15 minutes to talk," then set a timer. When the timer goes off, he says "sorry, I need to go, bye!" and hangs up. Or maybe he can try texting them when they phone (if they have a cell) "I can't talk right now. I will call you tomorrow night at 8 pm" (or whatever). If they call AGAIN after he has texted, he needs to say "if you keep hounding me, I will not call you tomorrow, and you will have to wait until Sunday to talk with me." Then STICK by this!
As far as calling extended family, DH needs to TELL his parents "I can handle my own relationships. If you call me to tell me to call grandma (or aunt Jenny) I will hang up and not pick up the phone for a week."
It's not HIS fault that his cousins are estranged from the rest of the family. He cannot be responsible for their happiness.
Another great strategy, thanks Wahoo. That's really what he needs, some strategies for taking back some control. It's really not so much an issue of them taking up OUR time, it's the issue of making HIS time miserable. They are far too needy. And I agree, it's not his problem that he's the only one and the only source of their happiness - it's a really heavy burden for one person to bear.
He's tried alterate strategies before, all to no avail - "Dad, we're out right now, can I call you back later?" His Dad responds - "Oh.... well what are you doing?" OR "Well let me just tell you this real quick" and "real quick" turns into 20 minutes. His Dad has a tendency to monopolize conversations. And frankly, I know my FI gives him that power (and I've told him so).
I might sound like a jerk, but I'm sick of hearing about it too. My FI complains - "Oh my god, they're calling AGAIN! Why can't they get the hint." Then when I see my ILs I hear - "What's wrong with FI's phone? He hardly ever answers. It would be nice to talk to him more." I get it from both ends and really it's none of my concern. (Before the question gets asked, both my FI and I have addressed the comments directed at me to tell them to leave me out it... problem is, they don't!) Damn, the more I write about this I realize how impossible they are sometimes!
Anyway, thanks again to all the responses, I'll share with him and we'll start putting some of these ideas into motion.
I completely relate to this. My in-laws are extremely clingy (they laugh and say they are "typical Jewish parents"...eye roll.) They call or text H every day, and whatever they call he's on the phone for 30-45 minutes. It annoyed the hell out of me for the first few years of our marriage, but once I finally got him broken of the habit of cutting me off mid-sentence to answer a phone call from his dad, it was easier to be more patient. Also, he'll get off the phone if I signal him that I need to talk to him. As long as it is not interfering with whatever we are doing, I just learned to let it go. Basically, if its only a problem because it gets on your nerves (which it did mine), maybe its not that big of a problem. Now, I realize that my in-laws love us very much, and are just kind of kooky. I can't change them, and he seems to enjoy talking to them, sooooo...you indicated that your H, however, is upset by the frequency of the calls, and that is a different ball game.
Question: When you guys were out and about and Dad sent the "Please call" text, did it end up being an emergency? "Please call" has a sort of ominous ring to it, like there is an urgent need to talk. I like what a pp said about him saying, "I'd love to chat, but can't right now. I'll call you Wednesday at 7:00" or something like that. That's a good way to set boundaries and let them know that there is more going on in his life than waiting on their latest update about Shark Week.
Sweetpup - the "Please call" text turned out to be what kind of tie he got for our wedding - the colors, the material, the cost, how it's going to look with his bountineire (sp?), and so on. Then the conversation turned to what kind of range he should look for since they are re-doing their kitchen. It just goes on and on and on.
It's weird because they consult him for every decision they make. Even big decisions... they were throwing around the idea of buying a house out of state and his Dad was asking "If we get it, will you guys come visit? I don't want to get a house if you guys aren't going to visit us." First of all - who the hell knows whats going to be happening in our lives if he actually pulls the trigger. And two - we (myself and FI) should not be taken into consideration in making such a big financial commitment. The out of state house has turned into several hours of conversation. And I hear my FI - "Dad, we might have young children by the time you get this house... if so, no, we aren't going to visit" and "Dad, I really shouldn't be involved in this decision." And it's in one ear, out the other.
I think sometimes my FIL draws out conversations just for the sake of having the conversation last longer, keep his son close, etc. And then other times, it's just because, like I said, he's self-absorbed and gets really excited about stupid sh!t no else gives a crap about!
I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't annoy me. But it's not because I feel like my time is being compromised. It's because my FI gets so frustrated with it. It's also simply annoying to see all of them play this game of emotional manipulation - My FI ignoring calls, them calling over and over again, them implying there is a problem, my FI not making the commitment to see them (he gets really wishy-washy when they ask him to visit, "Uhhh, we'll see, I'll let you know" instead of just "No, sorry, we're going to be busy.")
I could keep going, but I won't, because I'm annoying myself now!
It is kind of funny. Annoying as hell, but funny. They're pretty good people... I've had my issues and I'm sure there will be more along the way but nothing so bad I'd cut off all contact. I do need to learn to laugh it off and let it go. And my guy needs to learn how to deal too. Thanks for all the tips and suggestions. I'm going to make sure he starts putting these ideas into action (I'll kick his ass if I have too!).
Sounds like he wants to talk for an hour, if he didn't he would cut the call off after 5 min.
Maybe the pressure is coming from you not liking him having contact with his parents. He needs to decide how long is too long not you.
I talk to my mom everyday for about 20 min, don't know how long hubby talks to his parents because I never ask or time his calls.
Whats normal for me or you does not have to be normal for him. Everybodys normal is different.
Because he allows himself to be treated as a child therefore they treat him like one and not like a respectable adult?
I am not an only child and I would speak to my mother for about an hour 5-6 days a week, but I think that is more my doing than hers. LOL
I think the fact that he is an only child isn't the issue. I don't think the family are going overboard I think they are behaving in a normal way. However, this is clearly interfering with your comfort level and if you think it is too much, than it most likely is.
My Advice - Subtly Schedule times for them to call. For example text them in the morning say you'll call at 5:30 (for example) and then say you have to go to make dinner after 20 minute.
Arranging the time for the phone conversation will put you 100% in control.
Also it's not a good idea to ignore the phone calls. I think this could potentially cause problems. So leave the phone ring out and say "sorry I'm busy I will call you later".
Good Luck and keep us updated on any developments.
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