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Family vent (sorry, a little lengthy)
I'm at a crossroads of sorts. My dad and I have never really gotten along. We're both stubborn and poor communicators and have very different ideas on things (in regards to politics/humor, etc). Recently, DH and I moved back into my parents house (temporarily) because DH lost his job and I took a severe pay cut and we literally cannot afford to rent anywhere in the area. It's very humbling when you've lived away from home for more than a decade. But it is what it is and we're working on it.
Because of the way my parents' house is laid out, DH and I (when we're home) spend the majority of the time upstairs (where our room and such is) studying or (in my case sleeping because pregnancy has sucked all energy out of my body). We are downstairs every once in a while to help clean up or do the lawn, but otherwise, spen dmost of the time upstairs. It's not that we avoid my parents, but in my case, because the relationship with my dad is so strained, it's usually just a "hi" every day or so.
My father, like most people over the age of 50, has recently discovered Facebook. When he isn't at work he's on Facebook (my mom has brought this up with him but he gets defensive and says it's his house so he does what he wants). So I've blocked him on Facebook because he posts SO MUCH CRAP about how horrible liberals/Obama/anyone who disagrees with him is as well as random "like if" pictures that it clogs my newsfeed. I recently shared a very politically neutral article on FB and he jumped on it and me as being a "misguided and ignorant liberal" so (under the suggestion of one of my brothers who is close with him) I defriended him. I'm of the opinion that some relationships are best kept off line.
Last night one of my others brothers brought this up in the open in FB and then proceeded to text me about the fact that I'm a horrible and ungrateful daughter and sister and that I'm breaking my dad's heart. He kept saying I was acting like a teenager. When I brought up the fact that my dad has never mentioned this to me and that (despite what my dad says) DH and I do help around the house, my brother just kept saying I need to change and not be such a brat.
Since being pregnant I've been getting it a lot from family and I'm honestly sick of it. They decided to share the news with everyone without asking if I was okay with it while I was only 5 weeks and yet "you told us, so obviously you're ready for everyone to know." I'm tired of feeling like a child whose family controls me. I've brought up the fact that I don't appreciate that or the fact that my dad and brothers' sense of humor involves "getting people riled up" (in their own words, which involves giving me a hard time about something they know I find is important but they disagree with).
Someone tell me I'm not wrong for wanting to take a break from my family. I wish we could move out, but DH is having bad luck finding a job and now that I'm pregnant I'm afraid of quitting because the health insurance is so good.
Sorry, I just needed to vent and I felt bad spilling this on DH last night and tonight.
Re: Family vent (sorry, a little lengthy)
These people have problems respecting your wishes. I've got no idea how to get them to see the light on this; is there somebody who could talk to your FIL and knock some sense into his head?
That's the thing. Whenever I try to talk with my family about it, it's like they hold me to a higher standard than my dad. It's not fair. Yes, I need to learn to move past it, but it's hard when the man barely talks to me unless it's to incite an argument over politics or give me pregnancy advice (which is amusing consideringa) he's never been pregnant himself and that b) he has repeatedly said that when he and my mom were having babies they were her responsibility).
About 5 years ago I moved back to my hometown after college. I was hanging out with my DS and her husband. At one point he told me I had no common sense. I just looked at him in puzzlement. He waited for a reaction and then went on to explain that before I had gone off to college that he used to rile me up by telling me I had no common sense. I had totally forgotten about it, but I could see where that was probably true. I used to get angry and defensive and be upset when people didn't treat me with a modicum of respect.
But I moved away and people treated me in view of the way I acted not by their preconceived notions of me. That's where I could realize that I wasn't perfect and needed to grow up some.
Anyway, once I had confidence in myself and a grasp of who I was I was able to brush off other people's unwarrented criticisms and arguments. They just weren't that meaningful or important to me.
It has to be hard to be in financial straits and pregnant whole living with your parents. Especially if your dad and brother want to lecture or criticize. Their actions are probably magnified by your vulnerable state.
Take a step back and look at what you can change.
Sit down with your husband and parents and draw up a list of chores and jobs that you and your husband will be responsible for in the house in order not to have complaints. Then when your dad starts trying to rile you up with advise or arguements just let him blow his hot air and don't argue back or try to convince him. He's not really interested in your thoughts anyway because it's not about you. It's about him. He wants to hear himself talk and try to justify or convince himself of something with the added bonus of getting you upset.
Dont fall for that. Just smile and give noncommittal responses. Like ,"oh?" "sounds interesting" "that's a unique viewpoint" and then walk away. You aren't going to convince him of anything so step out of that emotional boxing ring.
If he gives advise just say, "interesting" or "I'll look into that".
Step out of the game
I feel a little like this is fate that I read this today, as I am going something a little similar. I am sorry you are going through this, but a little part of me was like "Wow, I am not alone!"
I have usually had a pretty good relationship with my Mom. She has gradually become a HARDCORE Christian and a HARDCORE republican. I have tried to share her faith somewhat, but I am not nearly where she is. And I can't get behind any extreme politics.
Anyway, she discovered facebook a few years back, and since then, I have grown to HATE facebook. She has never really worked (off and on when I was a kid). Over the past 10-15 years, she was pretty involved with the care of her Mother and Mother-in-law, but they have both passed this year. This leaves my Mom with NOTHING to do. She sits on facebook ALL day and posts up Bible quotes and republican rants over and over. She "friends" people in my life (high school friends, fiance, mother-in-law to be). And I KNOW she offends the crap out of a lot of people. I have tried to "gently" tell her that she goes overboard, but she doesn't care. It all came to a head the other day when she posted up a rant about how she supports Chik-fil-a. Obviously, this annoyed a lot of people, including myself. I finally deactivated my own account.
She was very "hurt" by me because she says I am embarrassed of her. I can't deny that I am embarrassed of her behavior and I don't understand why she doesn't realize she is being rude. My husband-to-be and future mother in law are both very liberal, but have been very polite and haven't reacted to her over-the-top political rants. But, it still makes me feel like crawling under a rock when I know she is insulting them all over facebook.
We had a huge blowout, but I have since sucked it up, so to speak. I can't argue with her because she will never see any side, but her own. I am at a point where I love her, but I know I can't be close to her, like I was in the past. That is such a hard realization. I feel crushed.
So... no, I don't think you are wrong for wishing you could take a break from your family. When your family members can't accept that everyone is different, it is so hard. When they expect you to go along with their beliefs, like you are a child without a mind of your own, it is hard. I wish I had an answer for you. I think I more wanted to lend my support to what you're going through. You are in such a rough spot, but I do feel if you guys keep trying, you'll eventually be able to get out of there. I would be as polite and respectful as possible to your Dad, since you are under his roof. Even if you already help around the house, go overboard with it. Surprise them with dinner. Kill them with kindness. Be the bigger person, even when he is annoying you to death. You will honestly be able to rest easy, knowing you have faced this as maturely as possible.
Good luck! If you want to start an "I hate facebook" support group, let me know ;-)
Thanks! I know. The issues is mainly with my dad, but moreso with my brother who gives ME grief for defriending my dad. He doesn't even live in the area. I used to be close with him, but now I'm reconsidering it since EVERY time he talks with me it's to criticize or "correct" me on something. It's just getting to be too much. Thanks for the support though!
1. Tell your brother that your relationship with your father is none of his business. Don't give him reasons and make him see your side - refuse to discuss it with him.
2. You know what your family is like. I'm sure they haven't changed. There was no reason for you to break the news at 5 weeks if you didn't want the rest of the world to know (since you knew your family is a bunch of blabbermouths). I waited until 20 weeks to tell my parents I was pg, with two pregnancies.
3. Unfortunately, you are never really going to be treated like an adult while you live with your parents. Yes, you are living with mom and dad due to bad circumstances, but the way to earn respect is to stand up on your own two (or four, with H) feet.
And, I do think that you need to appreciate their generousity. Your dad may be a drag to deal with, but he is allowing you to live under his roof, and even if you pay rent, help out, etc......if you could afford "market rates," you would not live with him, so he is allowing you to live there far below market.
Also, you can block someone's posts and block them from seeing your posts without blocking them 100%
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