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SIL is calling at bar close - sry long
A few years ago I sat my DH down and told him that he had to change his spending habits. I gave him a year. During the year we became more distant and he starting doing more things with friends and family. I didn't care until one day I noticed him flirting with his brother's wife. I brought this to his attention and of course he said "it is in my head". The flirting continued. Then he decided to buy a 3rd computer a week after I found out I was going to be laid-off (I was the bread-winner). I had had enough and I left. I moved in with my mom, he with his brother and SIL. During the few months we were separated my DH realized he has a spending problem. The few times I visited him, I noticed the flirting with SIL was getting progressively worse and told him to watch out. DH's mom even admitted to noticing the flirting. By the time we agreed to get back together, I was jobless and we ended-up having to foreclose on home.
Fast forward 3 years. For the past year my BIL has been living with us and his wife with her mom and sister. SIL has called my husband at least 6 times asking for a ride to her mom's. I normally would not have a problem with it but it's at bar close (2:30 am). Her husband is a 2nd shifter and is usually still awake whereas my husband is 1st shifter (has to be up by 6am) and is usually sleeping. The last time she called it was 5am; she said she slept in her car until she thought he would be up (this time I could excuse because her husband was out-of-town).
On one hand, I think she is at least being smart by NOT drinking and driving but on the other, I have a huge problem with her calling my husband (not hers) for a ride at bar close. If this happened more often I would think he is cheating on me but as it is, no. He has told me that she is like a sister to him and should be to me too but my (blood) sister who is 8 years younger than I has called us once to drive her home because the designated driver was drinking.
Should I even bring this up to my SIL? Or am I sounding like an insecure twit? When I brought up the flirting, I messed up the family dynamics and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to get the whole family involved but afraid if I say anything, the whole family will put their noses in. And the last piece, BIL is paying rent and it is helping us financially so saying anything would mean the loss of rent (either due to him being mad or moving out).
Re: SIL is calling at bar close - sry long
I definitely feel like her calling your husband repeatedly to pick her up at the bar is inappropriate. You should talk to her and find out why she isn't calling her own husband (don't bring up your concerns of the flirting). Just tell her you don't understand why she needs to call your husband to pick her up. She shouldn't be dependent on him in my opinion.
If she is going out drinking she should have her own plans to get home, take a cab or a bus (if that's possible). But she should stop calling your house at w/e hour to come and get her. It's not only inappropriate, but also rude and disruptive to everyone in your house.
First of all, the flirting = bad news, especially if you've asked him to stop and he doesn't. Don't sweep that under the rug- it'll only cause more problems down the road. (More on that below.)
Second of all, your SIL shouldn't be calling your husband for rides. It's highly inappropriate. She lives with her mom and sister- she should be calling THEM, if she can't manage to call a cab in her drunken stupor. And its awfully odd that she and your BIL live apart, and that a grown woman can't plan her night without grossly inconveniencing other people. You DO realize that she has a drinking/ selfishness/ immaturity problem, right?
To continue on the flirting? I'm sorry, but I really doubt your DH is happily dragging his azz out of bed at 2:30 am to give his flirty SIL a ride without any hanky panky happening. After confirming it isn't an emergency, any sane person would tell her to call a cab, roll over and go back to sleep.
I completely agree with this statement! My own husband has to be in one hell of a good mood to pick me up if I have a late night out with friends (and those are few and far between). He usually gets me to take a cab. It shouldn't be difficult for your husband to tell her the same thing. If she has money to go out a drink herself silly, she should have enough money for a cab home.
Whoa...one time, I could understand. The first time I had to sleep in my car until 5 am until my brother in law was getting ready for work...that would be my last time. I would help anyboyd out...but once!
He needs to tell her that he won't be doing it anymore, if she cannot afford a cab ride home, then she should not go out that evening. PERIOD.
If she calls again, tell her that you're not giving her a ride home and to take a cab. If she threatens to drive, tell her you are calling the cops and have her license plate number and location.
Wow, I can almost guarantee they are cheating. Have you
ever picked her up instead? Their reaction could be telling.
And you should discusss with your husband, not SIL.
And I don't think you are an insecure twit! GL
How in the world does a grown woman find herself in a bar too drunk to drive home SIX times? The last, so drunk that she's still impaired to drive after sleeping it off in her car until 5 AM?
Even if you suspend your suspicions about an affair and dimiss her rudeness in calling for multiple rides in the middle of the night - she has a severe alcohol abuse problem that should not be ignored or enabled. If nothing else you can take a stand on your conserns for her health and safety.
I'd also strongly suggest you re-work your financials so you don't feel trapped with pleasing BIL or not being able to get out if need be. This is your marriage and you are suspecting an affair and you are afraid to speak for fear of loosing a tennant. That is deeply wrong. Deeply.
I think it's just their excuse to see each other.
This is gonna sound pretty harsh, but why would allow this to go on for so long???
You know that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me?"
How to Get Your Relationship to Commit Suicide 101:
Lesson #1: listen to what other people say about your relationship instead of yourself. After all, you only have several years of daily insight into both earthshaking AND the most mundane events, while the peanut gallery is able jump to all kinds of conclusions based on the details of your post.
I don't say that to be harsh to you, but b/c I'm so surprised how many people have so acrimoniously "counseled" you to get rid of your husband.
It sounds like you have some insecurities about the relationship your H has with your SIL but that you're not worried about him cheating. So this is really just a about the practicality of your husband and your household being woken up in the middle of the night. This is something that is your H's problem, so you should be talking to your H about it. I don't imagine you'll have much luck getting your SIL to prioritize the harmony of YOUR household when her's is in complete disarray.
So let's do a cost/benefit analysis:
Your H wants to be there for his "very close" SIL: If your husband really feels like she needs him to talk at these times, remind him that she's lit. Which means that communication is superficial and then forgotten in sobriety. He'd be way better off talking to her when she's sober AND, even then, encouraging her to be saying these things to her husband.
He'll save his brother's marriage: An impossibility. This, i.e., their marriage, is his brother's problem to solve.
He's preventing her from driving home drunk: She has numerous other people she can call. The cab, her mom, her sister, your BIL, and her friends at the bar. So you're not leaving her high and dry. She's also a big girl now and if she knows she's going to have too many drinks to drive home from the bar, she really should make arrangements for a ride in advance - and then go drinking only when she has appropriate transportation.
Thus, there is no benefit to his coming to her "rescue" as DD. There are only consequence to you, your husband, and your family when an unexpected phone call wakes up the household in the middle night when people have to work. If your H still insists that there's a reason and benefit to this situation, then offer to go in his place and see if the benefit still exists - and if she still calls.
This, especially the bolded part.
Agreed!!
The poster came HERE to get advice...she asked for it! Which is why we are responding. Maybe you shouldn't be appart of a board if you don't like it.
Just saying....
Sparkywhatshernuts, methinks you have a reading comprehension issue. There's no acrimony in any of the posts- merely honest, impartial advice. I'm so glad you could put everyone else down while offering holier-than-thou, milquetoast advice, though. It will be so useful to OP when her DH leaves their bed at 2:30 in the morning to play husband-chauffeur to a drunk.
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