Family Matters
bluelotus13
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Mistaken Identity?
As background information, my husband and I are both in our twenties (we married about five years ago) and two years ago had our wonderful son. The reason why I came to this forum is that for unknown reasons whenever we go out as a family, more often than not other women approach my husband and are "charmed to see such a loving father" before turning to me and saying (these are direct quotes) "and a wonderful nanny," or "a thoughtful sister." I rarely am given any respect or acknowledgement for being my husband's wife or my son's mother,despite the ring on the finger and, to be honest, how loving we all are out in public. A few times we have even gone out with another friend of ours who is also a mother and while she's playing with the children, my husband will sneak a kiss from me and strangers will come up to me and call me horrible names and demand to know why a babysitter thinks she can steal away a perfectly good husband.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but this is really what it's like when we go out and neither my husband or myself can figure it out. When we're simply out, I'm a nanny, and if we show affection among the three of us, then I'm a homewrecker. I have heard that I look young for my age, but I never thought it was to this extent.
Has anyone else ever experienced this or have any advice in terms of dealing with it? It's becoming incredibly depressing, even the point where older mothers try to "parent" my child in front of me because they feel that they "know what the mother would want."
I know this sounds ridiculous, but this is really what it's like when we go out and neither my husband or myself can figure it out. When we're simply out, I'm a nanny, and if we show affection among the three of us, then I'm a homewrecker. I have heard that I look young for my age, but I never thought it was to this extent.
Has anyone else ever experienced this or have any advice in terms of dealing with it? It's becoming incredibly depressing, even the point where older mothers try to "parent" my child in front of me because they feel that they "know what the mother would want."
Re: Mistaken Identity?
First time poster....
I find this entire concept very very hard to believe. Maybe if it happened once or twice, but 'all the time'? Doubtful. The general public really doesn't pay THAT much attention to other people, much less go up to people and make comments like this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am happy for you that you have never experienced this and that where ever you are from obviously has respectful people, but that does not mean that what I experience is "doubtful".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If this is real, here's what you need to say: "This is my husband, and I would appreciate it if you could mind your own f**king business."
Take it from me: not looking your age where you look younger than your chronological age is a blessing.:) You'll have less wrinkles later on and probably less middle age sag, when the time comes for both.
Those people are rude. Really? All of them come out with charming little narratives like the ones you described? I'd pipe up and go, "Actually, I am his wife" and let them go suck on that.
Wow, how rude.
I am from DC which pretty much is not only the capital of our country but seems to also be the capital of say whatever's on your mind (if that doesn't make sense to those of you who think this is MUD then good for you for never having to know what it's like to live around politicians and people who's homes cost in the millions).
But thank you, again, to those who were kind enough to offer real advice.
The bolded part is a bit ridiculous. and FYI I don't live in DC but in my neighborhood I do live with local politicians and million dollar homes- NEVER has anyone said this to me and I look 10 years younger than I am- so about 20 years younger than my DH.
Are there any other striking differences between you...like is he always coming from work and in suit and you are dressed more casually (or vice versa)...are you super tattood...
I hate to ask...is there a racial difference, people do have sterotypes that can cause them to misperceive things, though I guess this isn't the case if they mistake you for siblings)
As far as advice...maybe ask these people "why do you presume that I'm the nanny (or sister)" or "I'm his mother, how hurtful for you to say what you just said"
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009
Eh, I'll bite.
My oldest sister's been mistaken as my dad's wife before. Weirdly enough she's also been mistaken as my younger sister. (I'm younger by 8 years BTW.) My mom has been mistaken as my dad's mom instead of his wife before as well. Another of my sisters was mistaken as her H's daughter before. That one was funny.
My point is these things happen and just be the bigger person and tell them politely you're married etc etc. Or ask if you know them and when they say no ask how they know you're the nanny/sister and not the wife/mom?
I look much younger than my husband and most of the time dress casual because I've been a stay at home mom. My husband on the other hand, looks 10 years old than he actually is and wears ties to work.
Every time we go out for drinks, I get carded and he doesn't. I don't wear jewelery at all but he wears a wedding ring. People have tried to push our relationship a few times before but never come out and been rude (like a waiter at a restaurant or a bartender at a wine bar will as if we're here for a special occasion) so I like to elude to the fact that we met on Ashley Madison or sugardaddy.com. I also make sure I slip in there I did the marriage for love thing once and it didn't work out so this time around I married for money.
You should try it, it's fun!
Practice saying "I'm his wife,"
If you can't say that, learn to "adapt" into the DC "say what you mean" culture and tell them to "Mind your own f*cking business."
Bumping under a New Name!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
LOL!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Sorry to see you're catching so much crap on this post.
Really your relationship is no one's business, so you don't owe anyone an explanation much less the time of day. If you're not able to avoid these interactions altogether, then I would just have a plan of action with your husband when someone makes a rude comment. You could agree on a signal as to when to walk away. You should decide whether you want to correct the person before walking away.
If you do want to correct them or make it clear why you're walking away, you could say, "I'm his wife." or "I'm not his sister/nanny." or "Many people have jumped to that same wrong conclusion." or "I assume you think that b/c I've been blessed to look so young." or "Thank you for your interest. Please enjoy your day at the park." or "Thanks for your interest, but we're going to return to our day in the park."
I would suggest saying nothing and minimizing the interaction as much as possible; b/c the less you make of it, the less time it takes up of an otherwise enjoyable day, the less part of your memory it becomes, and the more you benefit.
If this happens to you all the time when you two go out together, then why is the bolded part even an issue?
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013
This has happened to my FI and his mom several times. They always correct the people and get a good laugh at it.
1) FI and mom went out to dinner. The bartender knew FI from casual interactions when FI would come to the restaurant to eat. Bartender started chatting with FI. Then asked how long FI and girlfriend had been together. FI chuckled... Boss, this is my mom!! They all got a good laugh out of it... And a compliment to my FI's mom. BTW, we still see this bartender frequently. When FI and I first went out to dinner there, he hesitated and waited for FI to introduce me instead of asking if I was his GF to avoid embarrasment again.
2) Shopping at a craft fair, FI's mom found something she wanted to buy. FI's mom didn't have her card on her or enough cash. She asked to borrow FI's and pay him back when she got to the ATM the next day. The lady at the booth "Oh that's smart dear, make your boyfriend pay for it." FI's mom, "I'm married." Lady, "There's nothing wrong with having a boyfriend and a husband." FI's mom, "You don't understand. I'm married and this is my son." The lady shut up, but FI and his mom got a good chuckle out of it.
99% of the time you aren't going to see these people again... SO correct them if you must and go on with your business. Or like a PP said: have fun with it! If you are getting these all the time like you say, then make it into a game to see how far-fetched you can make the story or how uncomfortable you can make the other person!!
You are well able to stand up for yourself here. ; ) apply this attitude to these pass remarkable people and you'll be fine.
I bet you look super young, not an excuse but I can see that some of the people are being rude i.e. the others try to "parent" my child in front of me because they feel that they "know what the mother would want."
The people who call you a "thoughtful sister" are genuinely making a mistake and their intentions are pure. Take this as a compliment, you have youthful looks.
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