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Sister in law drama
Hi everyone. This is my first post on here and I need some major help with my sister in law. I just recently got married a few months ago after being engaged with my hubby for awhile. Right after we got engaged and set our date, my sister in law decided, after being engaged for years, to finally set the date of her wedding?5 weeks before mine. However I still asked her to be part of my wedding party since she is so close to my husband. Needless to say she made planning the wedding horrible and finally dropped out of the wedding party. She then went around telling my husband?s family how much of a b I am and other horrible things. She also told my husband multiple times that she hates me and is fully against our marriage and also told his family she was going to ruin our wedding. Luckily she didn?t show up to the wedding and has since then started taking medicine for a mental illness. After over a year of not talking, she sat down with us to say she has done a 180 and is happy for us. Should I trust what she says? If so, how do I get past what she has done/said? My husband is totally willing to believe/forgive her and now it?s coming between us. What should I do to stop being so angry at her and get over this? Basically?I need lots of good advice. Thanks everyone!
Re: Sister in law drama
YOu need some kind of closure. Maybe speak to a therapist or a counselor and get some of this off yoru chest.
I am willing to bet she's embarrassed and can't bring herself to apologize. she probably doesn't know what to say, being that she had a genuine problem that caused her behavior.
This. If she's now on medication, sounds like you have to let go of her previous behavior and move on.
If the problem behaviors were due to an illness, which is now under control, you need to forgive and be patient.
You can be polite and friendly. But, you also do not have to go out of your way to warm up to her. All things take time. If you and your DH are together forever, then you have all that time to work on your relationship with SIL. Don't rush.
I think you have the answer in your post. You said that she went on meds for her "mental illness" and has sat down with you and your dh and said how happy she is for you too. Give the girl a break. It must be embarrassing for her enough to go on these meds and have her family find out about it. Let alone, her having to live what she has said and did. I'd say extend the olive branch and give her another chance. Maybe plan a girls day out to reconnect.
Best of luck to you and your family.
I'm really surprised that she is trying to make things right. I have had experiences like this, and even though the person goes on medication and seems much better, they never try to make amends for their past behavior (in my experiences, their mental illness kept them from even remembering much of what they had done to me).
Forgiveness and trust are two different things. You can forgive her without having to blindly trust her. When relationships are broken like this, it can take years for it to get back to a good place. My suggestion would be to keep yourself open to her being in your life, support your husband (I'm sure he's excited he has the 'old' little sister back), and when she has a flare up (and I promise you she will), take a step back and remind yourself that it's not her, it's the illness talking.
It's really tough having a positive and rewarding relationship with someone with a severe mental illness. Good luck!
well-she didn't ruin your wedding no matter what she threatened so all that you need this 'closure' for is her saying some mean things. really?! closure? your ILs clearly didn't take her seriously and neither did your DH. the only person she made look bad was herself
if it were me i'd give her ONE chance to redeem herself (while shelving the issues you need closure for) but keep your distance a the same time and see how it goes. if it all works out great-throw out that stuff that she did years ago. if not-then you dont really need to have anything to do with her.
I have been in a similar situation except:
1) SIL couldn't blame anything on mental illness....everything was within her control.
2) SIL never "sat down with me" to say she has done a 180 and is happy for us (she did email/text dh saying the past should be forgiven and she shouldn't be punished for some stupid thing she did - at least she admitted she was stupid).
So....you are WAY AHEAD of where I am in terms of SIL apologizing (and having no control over the reason she flipped out).
Here is how I am handling the situation: I talk to SIL at parties. I am polite, nice, talk with her kids and her DH (not their fault their mother is a turd). We now see her at family parties (vs. avoiding her). DH texts / emails her occassionally. If we have a family party (communion, graduation) we will invite them.
She wants more of a relationship (our family and her family going out, sharing holidays, visiting during vacations, being "one big happy family) and that is where I draw the line. DH thinks she has "matured" (changed), but I see the same selfish person who right now wants a relationship with DH, not someone who would be kind and loving if she decided that was not what she wanted. I will not see her outside of a large family event.
If I were in your shoes I would say "I understand she is your sister, but I am not over how I was treated by her. It's nice that she apololgized, but that doesn't mean I need to be her best friend. I will be nice to her when we see her, but if you want to see her outside of family events, you'll have to go alone. SIL is not my friend and I am not going to pretend that she is. I promise to keep an open mind, but that is all I can do."
WOW, when I read this I got deja vu! This pretty much happened to me exactly, only it wasn't DH's sister, is was his cousin's fiance`. DH and his cousin are best friends, and cousin was going to be the best man at our upcoming wedding, so it was a big deal as well.
The FI girl and I were close until she and the cousin kept breaking up on a WEEKLY basis. She would text me some very horrible things about the cousin, and I told DH (since there was abuse involved, allegedly, I thought he needed to know that. Although we've since learned she is a compulsive liar, so who knows). I told her since she and cousin were broken up, that it might be best she step down as a bridesmaid, because DH's cousin was the best man. And their breakups were extremely volatile, and involved a fight with DH's aunt.
Well she did all she could to harass me about it my wedding, texting me about 200 times a day for a week. I didn't understand why she had no idea where I was coming from. I mean, she pretty much told me that Cousin and his whole family (including my DH were sh!t, and she wanted nothing to do with them....so why would she still want to come to the wedding?).
We stopped talking but she got back together with the cousin a couple of weeks before the wedding, and so I invited her as a guest. I personally called her to try and clear it up, and told her I wanted her there. She didn't show.
She is manic depressive and takes medicine for it, and I believe she also has an eating disorder, is a compulsive liar, and has become addicted to getting tattoos. I'm not a huge fan, but for the sake of the family I'm trying to be nice to her. It's hard to let go of how she treated me too, especially after I tried to be a friend to her when she was going through that break up. (By the way, before I even told her to step down as a bridesmaid, she had broken off her friendship with me saying it was too painful for her to talk to me because I remind her of that whole family).
Anyway, last time I saw her at a family function, she apologized for acting so crazy about my wedding, saying she "Just couldn't be happy for anyone else while she was going through her own troubles". I told her it was fine, i"m just glad she is doing better, and that she and the cousin seem to be doing better with the relationship. Then she pulls out "Great! I'm glad we cleared that up! So when are you and your DH having kids?? I can STILL be godmother right?!" LOL!!! UGH. Do I need to even point out that I've NEVER promised her that? SO now I get to look forward to more drama whenever we announce we're having kids. Woopie!!!