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Arguments over the *thought* of having kids?
Here's the set up:
So, the hubby-to-be and I have had discussions about having little one's prior to us getting engaged (we've been together 2yrs, engaged 2 months) and I've been upfront about wanting to have children in the next few years (I'm 23/ he's 30 and of course, this would be when we are more financially stable and living in one place for longer than a year). He originally never saw himself as having children and has since come around to wanting children of our own, when we are ready. I have a friend of whom I work with who recently became pregnant and so, naturally I've chatted quite a bit about it to him. I also have always been interested in pursuing a career as a Doula and a Midwife and so, not just the act of me being pregnant but, the whole entirety of "being pregnant" is something that I follow and I've researched quite a bit.
Here's how it goes down:
Well, recently over dinner, I was talking about my new job site, I work at a natural grocery store in San Francisco, and mentioned how it would be difficult to be pregnant at this new store because it is so compact and in some areas, I feel, there is not a whole lot of ventilation (I'm a vegetarian and I have to walk by the seafood counter and meat counter in order to get to our upstairs office areas). I had intended this to just be an observation and a comment about my new job ( it's the city, everything is squeezed into a tiny space!) Anywho, my future hubby, took this comment and started talking about (Welll..) that's just how the city is (tight) and how hormones make women crave strange things and how I, as a vegetarian, might start craving fish or meat after being pregnant (fyi, he's a vegetarian too). I asked him a few times why he was turning this into an argument and he says "that's not how it start but I guess thats how it sounds".
Anywho, I was a bit dumbfounded by this "discussion" and we both ended up walking away in a huff. I'm not sure if I am feeling offended over nothing or if he is being passive aggressive for some reason..?
I do plan on bringing all of this up and having a conversation to see whats going on with him but, was hoping for some insight incase I'm the one being out of bounds or insensitive..
let me know what you think.
Re: Arguments over the *thought* of having kids?
The whole conversation is weird me, I'm not really following what either of you were getting at.
With that said, I would strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. Kids are a huge huge deal, and you should both be really clear on if has actually changed his mind or if he is doing this for you.
The last thing you want is for your children to have an uninvolved father because he only had them to make you happy.
Yeah, I have no idea what you were arguing about either.
And as a vegetarian, I didn't crave meat during my pregnancy, nor do I gag and make a big deal over passing meat and seafood because well, I'm no longer 10.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I think you are both making a mountain out of a molehill. You're not pregnant. Cross the "pregnancy/cravings/vegetarian" bridge when you get to it.
Calm down. Work your job. Enjoy being engaged and being a newlywed couple. Work on your communication and problem solving skills as a couple, because that's a big task that all couples must take on in the first several years of a relationship. Babies are the next stage. You're not to that stage yet.
Concentrate on getting whatever education/experience you need in order to pursue being a midwife or doula. Let that satisfy your fascination with all things baby for a while.
In the short term, apologize your huffiness in the discussion, listen to him and accept his apology and move on.
Yeah, I'm baffled too. I'm not understanding what being a vegetarian even has to do with this. And while you had a certain "intent" w/ the conversation, as this whole thing doesn't even make sense, I'm sure your FI didn't really know what he was supposed to respond to. And then you say he's turning it into an arguement...???
Color me confused.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I didn't know that when you became vegetarian you gave up the ability to walk by seafood and deli counters. Fascinating.
I have no idea what you two were arguing about. I have no idea why being pregnant and working in a small space is a problem. I have no idea why you got so offended at his "It's a city, things are small" comment when that is, indeed, truth. I live in the center of a major city - space comes at a premium price. I'm also not sure why you got upset at the "You might want to eat meat when pregnant" comment. It happens to some people. My sister hates red meat, but craved hamburgers when pregnant.
You turned something about work into being pregnant and he made logical comments back.
Ditto. I've been a vegetarian for nearly as long as you've been alive, and I absolutely did not crave meat during either pregnancy (I did, however, crave slurpies and french fries). Walking by meat - even in a small area - did nothing to me.
You said something stupid. He felt put on the defensive, and said something equally stupid back. You both got mad. Sometimes that happens - you both need to acknowledge that you said something stupid and get over it.
Are you actually in school to be a doula, or is it just some daydream that you have going on? Whatever, but in the meantime I'm thinking that you need to seriously lay off the baby talk. Surely you have other things going on in your life that are more worthwhile right now.
I agree with the pp who mentioned premarital counseling. Discuss in detail if you want to have kids and when (how many years into marriage). There is no compromise if one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't. Make sure you're on the same page.
Premarital counseling also can give you pointers on communication and other areas your relationship could use some attention in. H and I found premarital counseling really helpful.
Women have been pregnant in close quarters with tight spaces for thousands of years. I'm not sure why you think if you got pregnant and worked at this grocery, you would have such a hard time. Really? It's only in the last 8-9 months that you would be huge anyway and "huge" is a relative term to each woman.
Regarding your situation with your fiance, he seems to have meade some pretty normal comments. And, for someone who hasn't been into kids either, some of his comments are ones that make sense ilke suggesting you may crave meat or seafood while pregnant (it could happen).
You sound unnecessarily obsessed with having babies. You're not planning to have kids for awhile yet. You might be at a different job by the time any of this would be a concern, and if you are at the same job, you can work with your employer if certain smells bother you.
I think your perception of the needs of pregnant women is way overblown. Yeah, some women might be extra sensitive to the smell of meat and seafood (I gag every time I walk by the seafood counter and I'm not even pregnant), but many are not affected. And I'm not sure how much weight you think pregnant women gain, but they don't need a whole lot of extra space- they're carrying baby humans, not baby elephants.
I do agree with PP that counseling would be a good idea. It sounds like the two of you aren't on the same page about some pretty important stuff.
So you made a comment wondering if, in an imaginary pregnancy, the aisles at a supermarket might be too narrow to accommodate you since you are a vegetarian. Your DH responded with an equally absurd supposition about whether you might crave meat during this fantasy pregnancy. And somehow this got both your undies in a bunch.
Good thing this pg is only in your mind. I would keep it that way, if I were you. Neither of you seems to have the maturity to be a parent.
Right on. Thank you everybody for your reply and for the feedback about not craving meat during pregnancy. From all the feedback, I guess this really was just a "WTF?" type moment and next time, I'll just let it go rather then freaking out.
cheers.
I'm kinda disappointed I even read this...
What are you even arguing about???????????????????