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Mother In Law thinks MY baby is HERS.....help..!
Hi,
I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law even though she is INCREDIBLY overbearing with her opinions and advice and paranoia.. My issue with her now is that she keeps saying, My daughter is her baby by saying,: " My baby.." " Mommy is here ". When she says mommy is here or however she phrases it, she's referring to HERSELF being my daughters mommy.The first time she said that I laughed it off.. She has said it 2-3 times and my daughter is only 6 weeks old. She says it now and seems proud that she slips that comment..
She is a territorial woman and so am I. I made a joke back to her saying, " Ohyea, this is your baby huh? Did she come out of you, did you give birth do her?" SHe joked back saying, "I HAD A C- SECTION!" and lifted her shirt to show her scar from a recent surgery.
Its very uncomfortable and I don't know how to act when she keeps acting like my daughter is hers. What do I do? How do I handle this? It is pushing me away from her and making my stomach turn in knots in fear she is going to try to take over in the future.. I worry she is going to do things behind my back I will not approve of, such as feeding my daughter her first solids orsomething..... I need advice asap...
Re: Mother In Law thinks MY baby is HERS.....help..!
Tell your MIL exactly that -- that in the very near future the kiddo will be confused, being that you are mommy and she is nanna/gram/gramma/whatever grandmother designation she likes to call herself.
If she doesn't get it after the first time, I suggest you and your H sit down and jointly remind her again that it is confusing to call herself "mommy" --- stand your ground and stick to your guns. And if she guilt trips you or gets pissy? Too bad: this is how it is and that's the way it is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Very next time "Okay, you're starting to freak me out...you are her grandmother, I am her mother...she will NOT call anyone but me mommy"
Or "this is very strange behavior from you, are you okay"
I totally agree and suggest as well, with nipping this in the bud right away! The huge concern about this for me is that this will confuse your baby over time. She should only know ONE person as mommy.
If your mil has an issue with the word grandma then maybe come up with a nickname you both can agree on. Like nana?
Anyways, talk to her and get it resolved asap so you can both enjoy the blessing of this baby.
if it were me i'd ask DH to talk to her about it.
she MAY just have a new grandma thing going-hell she clearly is enamored iwth the baby. and you did say that she 'jokingly said' that she had a csection.
i think you might be overthinking this a bit. maybe not but maybe so.
sample convo:
"mom (mil, first name...whatever your comfortable with) we are thrilled that you are so excited to be part of dd's life, we feel really lucky, but I am really not comfortable with you reffereing to yourself has her mom, otherwise we are going to have to stop spending time with you as I need her to know who her mother is without confusion."
End of story. If she keeps doing you...you block contact...as much as that might suck, if she cares as much for this grandbaby as she seems to...she would be smart to stop if she wants to see her at all.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
If your husband doesn't have any insight, I would just ask her outright, "Why is it that you want her to call you 'mommy'?" Maybe it makes her feel old to be a gma or she wants to feel closer to her gbaby or maybe some other reason... If you're lucky, maybe it will be a reason you can sympathize with or that seems more rational than the creepy reason that tends to automatically jump to mind.
That's probably next!!!!
I would just correct her. Every time. "Grandma is so silly, she's not mommy!" Maybe ask her if she would like a name besides grandma (nana, mima, grammy etc.).
If she keeps it up - don't have Grandma around. Seriously, your DD won't get confused if she only sees grandma once every few months.
Yeah, I think you've been nice enough - trying to point out her wrong behaviour with humor.
She is a strong overbearring person per your comments. You need to be strong and overbearring right back. "Look MIL, your comments about baby being yours - not cool. I appreciate your desire and excitement to want to be her grandmother. However, you are NOT her mother. Anymore comments like that and you are not welcome here until you can learn otherwise."
It might be extreme but she isn't getting the point. Stop being nice unless you want to continue to cave in on everything.
Without really knowing your MIL and how "serious" she might be with this calling her "mommy" thing, it's time to nip this situation in the bud. The "my baby" thing wouldn't really bother me as much (I look at that as a term of endearment), but referring to herself as "mommy?" No way. If you've tried joking about it and its not working, you need to be firm. It obviously is making you very uncomfortable - as it would me - so you need to address it with finality sooner rather than later. I would simply tell her that you've noticed that she keeps referring to herself as "mommy" to your daughter and you thought it was just a passing joke, but since she's continued to do it, you need to ask her to stop. Tell her you are your daughter's mother and you are the only one who should be referred to as mommy or any variation of mommy. I don't even think it matters as much that your daugther may be confused - although that could be an issue - it's a boundaries issue that your MIL needs to respect.
With respect to worry that she may try to "take over" or do things you don't approve of, try not to stress yourself out about things that have not happened. If you see something concerning, address it, but don't create issues yet where there are not.