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(Non) Mutual Friends
Hello! I'm new to the nest, but used the knot a bit for wedding help. This is my first post on these boards, and I'm hoping I can get some opinions and advice.
H and I do not have any mutual friends. We've been together for almost four years, and we're 28 and 31 respectively. Most of our individual friends are ones we've had for years before we even met. I have a few new ones from work and my volunteer group, but in general we're kind of homebodies. I imagine as we get older, move, have kids, etc we'll eventually meet people and develop mutual friendships
In the meantime, he's dead set on me joining a particular group of his friends. There is about six of them. They like to have get togethers with their wives once or twice a month. The problem is they are bigots and misogynists and very vocal about their views. They also make a lot of derogatory comments about atheists knowing I am one (although I never make any comments either way and respect the beliefs of others). His best friends wife is the worst- I've actually had to block her on facebook because of her constant provocation. We were supposed to go to a BBQ Sunday, but I bowed out. Every time we see these people we end up in a huge fight because his friends say offensive things and he never stands up with/for me, and I don't want to fight with my husband. He was understanding about WHY I didn't want to go, but he was still annoyed. He expects me to go out with his friends because socializing with the wives is what they do, and really he doesn't want to lose face because HIS wife won't go. I'd never try to tell him he shouldn't hang out with his friends, but I don't think that its fair that I have to take abuse so he can save face.
Re: (Non) Mutual Friends
Ever heard the expression that you are judged by the company you keep?
I would not under any circumstances subject myself to this group or people, but I also wouldn't marry a man who chooses to be friends with them in the first place.
^
Yup, couldn't agree more. You're in for a world of surprise if this marriage happens. I would never marry someone who's friends I didn't get along with. That would mean my SO doesn't have the same values as I do.
Great choice in a spouse....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I completely agree with everyone above! Why in the world would your dh want to put you in a situation like this? My fi would NEVER do that to me nor I to him. We have many mutal friends and none of them would ever act like this and IF they did they would loose 2 friends.
Yes, I highly recommend this.
Yea....ok. Anyways, I think you should ask your H why he even wants to hang out with those people, let alone force you to! They do not sound like the kind of people most would want to hang out with. Perhaps you should try to get your H to hang out with your group of friends. Either way, communicate and do not hang out with those losers.
Oh geez! Dramatic much! He WANTS her to go to these outings with her bigot friends! He know's how they are but wants her to be around them anyway! Ya....great advice! IF he did love her he wouldn't suggest it in the first place!
What does your DH believe? Are his beliefs more in line with yours or with his friends? I mean, I assume you guys are compatible or you wouldn't have gotten married, right? So ....don't those boneheads offend him as well? Sounds like he either needs to:
a) stand up for you when you go out with these friends
b) have a "talk" with them and ask them nicely not to bring up religion/politics/racial stuff when you all hang out, and try to focus on some common interests
c) understand if you don't want to socialize with them. You're married but you're not attached at the damn hip! if they can't respect you, then you don't need to be around them. end of story. Your DH will have to just deal with being the 3rd /5th/7th wheel. lol.
I have to agree with every reply of Kuus'.
It isn't just that you don't feel like being social. These people are offensive to you. There is NO WAY I would spend another minute in their company, except for group occasions that can't be avoided such as a wedding or larger gathering in the future.
I would never pick a partner who has friends like this and condones repeated comments that are offensive to me. It is bad enough that he doesn't seem to be bothered by what they say, but it is EVEN worse that he expects you to hang out with them. No way.
So is your H a bigot as well, or has he just totally lost his balls?