Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sister wants to move in
My 48 year old sister is having a tough time and wants to move in with me and my husband. She has been divorced for quite sometime and has a very toxic relationship with her 2 adult daughters and ex. My parents r in their late 70s and have done what they can for her . Now it's my turn. Shes upset with m our parents because they have made it clear that they will help as they can, but they will spend the remainder of their lives as they want. I don't want my parents to spend this time taking care of an educated, but depressed person for the rest of their lives. The relationship between she and our parents has not been exemplary for a long time- so why she's upset with mom and dad dumbfounded me. It hasn't worked in the past- why would it now? I'm concerned about her but at the same time I know that I can't b here to make her get out of bed and get moving etc. in her world it's her way or the highway. In my house, I'll live as I/my husband and I choose. I'm worried that things might not work out and then what? I will need to have boundaries, but are unsure about where to start. HELP!!!
Re: Sister wants to move in
Normally, I'd let someone move in for say, a couple of weeks to a month to give them breathing room to find a place of their own, but in this situation I'd be worried that you would have a really hard time getting her out.
Not sure where you live, but are there bed-sits, shared apartments and things like that common in your/ her area? More often than not a roommate moving in will have a very low (if any) deposit (so no major savings issue), won't need much furniture as the bedroom set is usually already in there (and if it's not, freecycle or something). Perhaps you can suggest something like that, or help her to find a place like that?
I generally feel that you should do whatever you can to help family when they need it, but based on how she is treating your parents about it I'd be leery about letting her live in your home. She doesn't sound like the type of person that is just looking for a little temporary help and is motivated enough to get her life together to the point that she would be able to be on her own without you having to push her out.
Is she working?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Is this due to the economy or is this due to her choice?
She cannot live there without paying room and board. I'd make it a must that she find some sort of a job first before she's given the okay to move in; no job no staying with you; make that the rule.
Why is it your turn? She has parents, and two adult children who she should be able to turn to. You and your husband are under no obligation to care for her. She might WANT to move in with you, but wanting isn't getting.
Financial guru Suze Orman once had advice about giving money (I realize in this case, it is opening your home, but same concept). If the loan/gift is to provide for an unexpected setback - illness, job loss for someone who always worked, catastrope that ruined a home - then by all means lend/gift the money and help your family. However, for a chronic problem, you will not be helping the person. You'll just be a temporary fix until they can leech onto someone else.
Your sister has had problems for YEARS. Yes, depression is an illness, but it is treatable and it doesn't sound as if she has any graditude towards people who extend a helping hands. You don't alienate your parents and adult children overnight. She thinks she can boss your parents around - what makes you think that, even if she is living in your home, she won't boss you around?
Why not say "no" to your sister right now? Of course, she will "hate" you, but sooner or later you will need to kick her out of your house and after months/years of frustration and having her almost destroy your marriage. She will "hate" you then, after all you have done for her. Save yourself some time!
What does your H think of this? If he doesn't want her, then you owe it to him to say that the arrangement won't work.
You can soften the blow by finding out what help she can get from your local (city/county) servies - low income housing, social services, job assistence, etc.
it's great that she wants to move in. too bad for her that it's your choice and you don't want her to.
the word 'no' fits here. no she cannot move in, no you're unfortunately not able to help her--and don't feel like you have to give her a reason-YOU DONT!!! a simple repeated no will eventually sink in.
and i agree with you-she shouldn't move in. if she did it would be a disaster-you know this. and it would be a disaster immediately and probably leave some resentment remnants fo the rest of both of your lives and DH's.
As I was reading your post the first thing that popped in my head she can want, but that doesn't make it her choice. Your parents were wise to tell her no and make it clear they intended to live their own lives. I say follow their example.
If you are foolish enough to allow her in your home you will be opening a can of worms. Count on your relationship with your DH to go down the toilet. Count on her depending on your for everything including her happiness. Count on her not ever leaving or getting help she should have a long time ago. There is probably a very good reason her own children do not want anything to do with her. You are not your sister's keeper and do not know where you got the idea it was your turn.
This.
I agree with all of this.
It sounds like her issues are chronic, she has already alienated others, and this has disaster written all over it.