Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Friend problems
Hey all,
I'm not 100% sure if this is the right board to post this on, but I couldn't find anything else that seemed to be fitting.
I got married a few months ago. The only 2 friends I had stand up in my wedding have completely written me off. I have made all contact with them since, and not once have they initiated a conversation with me. I feel pretty silly having asked them to be my bridesmaid and maid of honor, but I had no idea that this was to come.
Have any of you ever had this issue? I'm pretty hurt by it. I am definitely a sensitive person, but I have a feeling that most people would feel stung by this.
Anyone who can relate or offer nice advice would be appreciated.
Thanks a bunch
Re: Friend problems
Are your friends married also?
Im not married but my long time closest friend(5 years) and I started drifting apart when my relationship got serious. I was going to college, working, and had a serious boyfriend, she did not. We were just on different paths. I tried and tried to stay in contact because she was my best friend! But I eventually realized I was the only one making the effort and it was time to just move on and if she contacted me after I stopped then I knew we should still be friends. She didn't contact me and it hurt but we just weren't in the same place anymore and we weren't good friends. When I found out I was pregnant, I told her as soon as we started announcing. She was so excited and told me she wanted to go to appts and throw me a shower, I contacted her and didn't hear from her. Sometimes friendships fade and people aren't in the same place in their lives anymore.
I think we'd need a little more background info...Did they contact you often before the wedding and then immediately stopped? Or were you typically the one to initiate? Do they have a lot going on in their own lives?
I think a lot of people feel like they need to give newlyweds time alone and privacy after their wedding. A lot of my friends and family contacted me less frequently after I got married, but it was just because they didn't want to intrude. If you say you're a sensitive person, you might be reading too much into it. Still, if it's hurting your feelings, you could always just ask them if everything's ok and see how it goes from there. Good luck!
A true friend wouldn't do this. You realize that don't you? I am single (no kids) and my bf is now married with two children and we are still close.
I would ask- "Hey, is everything okay with you? I feel like we've been distant lately."
When my friend had her first baby, I held back and let her initiate contact for a while, since I knew she was busy and adjusting to a lot, and I was worried that if I called just to chat I would be inconveniencing her or interrupting something. (I wasn't local, so calling and offering to help or bringing by dinner wasn't feasible- our calls had always been long, chatty sorts of calls, and so I figured I'd let her call when it was convenient for her) I had no idea- until she told me!- that she felt like I'd dropped off the face of the earth, I explained my reasoning, she understood, and we worked it out so that we mostly e-mail or leave voicemail messages- which actually is better for her.
On the other hand, it could be that something huge is going on in their lives and they really need you to be the one to do the reaching out right now- sometimes that happens. Or they might be offended by something that happened at the wedding and didn't want to tell you, or they might feel you've all grown apart, or something else. The only way to know is to ask.
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
In my experience (with my own wedding, and others'), it can change the dynamic of some friendships. I had lost a couple of friends while planning my wedding, and one girl stopped speaking to me after I flew all the way to Cali to be in her wedding. BUT on the bright side, I feel like it brought me closer to my true friends.
Anyway, if you initiate the conversation with these girls, how do they react? Once you get in touch with them, do things feel pretty good? If you sense a weirdness, then I would say you need to address it an a non-confrontational way. As other people said, just ask "Are things ok with us?". But if things seem fine when you actually do talk with them, I'd just assume for now they have other stuff going on. Maybe they are giving you your space as a newlywed. I remember reading a bit of advice that I've had to take into consideration, myself:
"Stop assuming people are mad at you, or don't like you. If they talk to you, if they hang out with you, they like you."
My maid of honour did the same thing to me. I didn't drive her insane during wedding prep either, she barely had to worry about anything. We had a long distance friendship as it was, and I saw her once at Christmas with her fiance, and then when I tried to contact her when we would be in town again she didn't respond. I emailed twice about 2-4 weeks before we were travelling, and she didn't respond and then I texted when we were in town and she didn't respond. I do know that she did break up with her fiance between our wedding and venture home, but I couldn't even guess if or why that would be the cause of her not talking to me.
I felt pretty silly too for the same reasons you do, but I decided to toss in the towel since it wasn't like I wasn't trying. I decided that whatever it was it shouldn't be my problem because as far as I know I didn't do anything wrong. It is too bad friendships sometimes go this way, but they do.
Seems like you need new friends. Sorry.
My BFF and I have a mutual friend who told us Saturday when we were all hanging out that she felt since we were both married and she wasn't and had no prospects that she didn't have anything to say to us.
My BFF just got married in July and I've been married 3 years now. We both make an effort to hang out/catch up or whatever even though we lived in separate cities and even separate countries throughout the past 4 years. That's what real friends do.
Did you act like a jerk during the wedding?
My MOH was a total snatch to me during our entire wedding process and I definitely limit contact with her now.