Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband hates my family
I recently got married, and since then my husband has displayed such negative feelings towards my family. My family is broke....his is definitely not. We paid for our wedding ourselves (I actually paid for most of it), and when our wedding got closer, my father said he would try to pay off our balance (approx 4,000 dollars). The day of the wedding, my husband was furious it was not paid and since then has harbored such resentment. I realize this was a communication issue, but it is hurting me and our relationship. Any advice?
Re: Husband hates my family
ONLY if you get the money up front, believe it when somebody says they will fund you money for x y or z.
Sure, your H has a right to be pissed. I wouldn't hold a grudge over this if I were he; learn your lesson and learn it well -- and if Dear Ole Dad says, in the future, he'll give you money, you and your H say "Thanks but we would rather you not do so." this way, no hard feelings if he doesn't make good.
You and your H need to talk abou this. You shouldn't have to live with your H's animosity and bitternesss toward your father. Dad promised; he didn't come through: nothin you or he can do about this.
And suppose you and he COUNTED on this money; what then???
To your husband, I'd open a conversation with, "I understand that you're upset with Dad for not paying the balance. What needs to happen next so that we can move forward?" Does he need an apology? An explanation? The money? To let it go, but have it understood by both of you that you won't count on Dad's offers to pay in the future?
I agree that it's fair for him to be angry if someone offered to pay for something, and he found out on the day of that they hadn't paid after all. But, anger is the kind of emotion that functions as an alert that something is wrong and needs to change- it's not useful as a holding pattern. So- he's angry, he knows something needs to change, and the focus needs to turn to changing it instead of spinning his wheels about how angry he is.
Wow, there is a lot of wrong here. First of all, why didn't your husband chip in more for the wedding? Why were you okay with him letting you take on most of that burden? Unless you make significantly more money than he does, he should have been working just as hard to save up for the wedding as you were and your contributions should have been more equal.
Secondly, why did you plan a wedding that you couldn't afford to pay off in full? Going into debt for a party is really unwise.
Finally, your husband has no right to be angry. Your dad said he would try to pay off the rest of your wedding. Knowing that he's broke, neither of you should have expected that he could actually make the payments, and I think it's kind of gross that either of you felt okay accepting his offer given his financial situation. If you know he's broke, didn't you wonder where he was going to get $4,000?
You and your husband are the only ones responsible for payment of your wedding costs. That your husband seems to feel entitled to everyone else's money should have been a red flag to you.
110% this!!
And I agree it's pretty horrible that you and dh would exept money from your parents when you both know they are not well off! Such a shame!