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Living together first?
My sister will be moving out to her boyfriend of 2 years in a couple months. He is in the Air Force, so she will be moving quite a few states away to be with him. She has only had about 3 months with him, because he had enlisted before she met him. It has basically been all long distance for most of the relationship with occasional visits to each other.
I guess my question is, how many of you have done this, moving in together first before an engagement/marriage and had it work where you ended up getting married later? I just dont really have any friends who have lived with their SO's first before marriage or an engagement, so I have nothing to go off of. For that matter most everyone I know is still single and living by themselves or with family.
I guess I just want reassurance that this can work for my sister. I dont want to see her get hurt, and I just feel like maybe if there was more of a commitment before moving that far away I wouldnt be as worried for her. I mean I guess I dont expect an engagement, since they havent had very much time together other than skype/texting, I just wonder if she should even move. Any input would be great.
Re: Living together first?
it WONT work out for your Sister, at least not well.
HE will not be provided the extra allowances for being married.
OH and depending on the base he goes to, he may not be able to move out of the Dorms untill he makes a certain rank (that changes with every base).
While I do believe that you need to spend enough time together to work out those habitation kinks, that does not necessarily mean living together BUT I also dont side-eye people who do live together first.
HOWEVER, I would never ever live together with a servicemember. (Take it from someone who's husband JUST retired from the Air Force after 28 years - we have seen what happens with lining together ADSM....it never works out.)
I have 2 experiences with this.
1) I moved in with a guy while we were dating. I can say in hindsight that I am BEYOND glad that I did. When we moved in, I expected things to be fantastic. I slowly discovered all the things he did that drove me crazy. I felt like I had moved in with him and had become his mother more than a girlfriend. I felt like I was constantly picking up after him. After several months together, we ended things... Over a pair of socks he wouldn't pick up. (Yes, I'm somewhat of a neat freak, but I don't think I should have to pick up after a grown man or tell him to pick up after himself). There were other issues in the relationship, but that was the "straw that broke the camel's back."
2) I currently live with my fiance. We moved in about 6 months before getting engaged. We had been together for a year when we moved in together. We had discussed marriage and if we both wanted it. We agreed that we would both like to be married in the future. After we had discussed a future together, we started looking for apartments together. We moved in and things just worked. Things are still great. Like I said, he is my fiance now. We are getting married in 6 months. We just bought a house in June.
If your sister and her BF have discussed their future together, then they will know if it is right. If they are moving in together to see if they want to get married, there are studies that have said those relationships usually end badly. I can't remember where I saw the study, but they said a couple moving in together with the plans of getting married are more likely to stay together than the couple that moves in together as a "trial run." The only person that can make the decision is your sister. Based on her relationship, she will know if it is right or not. If you are close to her, you can mention some of this stuff to make sure she is looking at in the right way. But I wouldn't try to change her mind if it is already made up. It sucks to say, but sometimes you have to learn your lesson the hard way. I had to learn my lesson the first time I lived with a guy... But I was wiser about it the next time.
your sister's case is unique. if it worked for others doesn't matter.
but to answer your question-yes. i lived with my boyfrind (not DH) for a year. broke up with him.
and yes-dh and i bought our house a year before we got married and moved in right away.
but the fact is this-your sister is an adult and can make her own decisions. i think because (and i find this so odd) that you dont know anyone who lived with their SO that it's a new and freaky idea for you. you might want more of a committment-awesome-she clearly doesn't. more of a committment doesn't mean a THING. it's just as easy to cheat, break up etc....as it is without one. if he put a ring on her finger it guarantees nothing.
be happy for her. if it works out then great, if it doesn't be there for her to cry on your shoulder.
I can't even imagine not living with one's SO.
For me the day that I moved in with my husband could not come soon enough. It happened two years into our relationship, I was in HS when we met so obviously it couldn't have happened sooner than that.
Living together was dream-like, still is actually, and it helped us becoming the family that we now are.
That being said, every relationship is different. I don't know your sister or her SO and therefore have no idea how their relationship works.
Also, as PP mentioned, the military lifestyle would really emphasize what is his and what is hers, which can be difficult.
Well... I'm going to answer without addressing the military side of things. I don't have any experience with that.
I moved in my husband (at the time boyfriend) after several years of dating, but a lot of geographical separation. We lived together for about a year before getting engaged. We are now happily married.
The idea that people won't get married because they live together first is kind of irritating me, OP.
I have no experience with the military lifestyle, but FWIW, DH and I lived together before we were engaged. At the time, we'd been together for two years, and were both living across the country from most of our friends/ family members. His roommate moved out, so he invited me to come live with him. I don't even remember thinking of it as a "test run." It just felt right. And I was only about 26 at the time, so I wasn't in a rush to get married or engaged. It sounds silly now, but I think we did it because we just wanted to be together more.
A year later, we got engaged. After that, we moved back to our homestate, bought a house together, and got married (in that order). We've now been married for three years, and just had our first child. So thinks are still going great.
I don't think it's necessary for a couple to move in together before getting married...I think each individual couple just needs to do what works for them. GL to your sister!
where is that stat from? or is it your personal experience?
This is me as well! And like PP said, where did you get that statistic about it not working out? I've never heard that before. Anyways, there's really no way to say yes or no it will or won't work out. GL to your sister!
Ilumine said it best.
Living together in Civilian life is different then living together in Military life. Not saying they can't make it work but have they really thought this through completely? Even being married to someone in the military (cop or fireman) is much different then your average Joe. It takes a strong and truly special woman to be a military wife. I grew up in a military family (dad, uncles, cousins, grandparents) and I apreciate all the experiences I had because of it but I never wanted to marry someone in the military. I just couldn't do it.
I did live long distance for 4 years from my bf. Then moved in with him for 4 years. We are happily married. Living together before Marraige worked for us. It doesn't work for everyone.
She's quoting a pretty popular and often cited study from the 1980s. However, it was an extremely flawed study as it didn't take any other factors into consideration. Not to mention that it's 3 decades old now and has lost a lot of it's relevancy.
Anyway, OP - the role that cohabitation plays in potential marriage depends on the couple involved.
But I don't see this working out well for your sister at all. She's moving quite a distance to be with someone who she's never had day-to-day contact with and who has other commitments that will take precedence over her and their relationship, to a place where I'm assuming she has no other friends/family/support. Does she have a job lined up in this new place? Does she know where she'll be living in this new place (like Ilumine said, she can't live with her boyfriend on base as they are not married)? What happens when he gets deployed or moved?
But if your sister is old enough to do this, there's probably nothing that you can say that will change her mind. Let her do her thing, and be the shoulder she cries on when it doesn't work out.
No... The stats were from 2004 (I don't know about the 1980s study you're referring to, but it could be the same source), which means the study was probably from 2000 or earlier, which is still pretty dated, I agree. However, it brought up some valid points. I'm not saying cohabiting relationships can't/won't work out, but I do think there needs to be some sort of acknowledgement of a future together instead of a convenience factor.
Fwiw, OP, even though you mentioned your sister has only been physically with her BF for 3 months (and skyped for longer), I think the skype/email/some form of communication can be helpful. Some people are more comfortable opening up that way anyway.
i'm not saying it was wrong. just wondering where it came from.
Just finished school with a psychology and social work program and those stats are still widely accepted as fact as recently as 2010, studies are still saying the same thing, that couples who cohabitate before marriage break up or (get married then) get divorced more often then couples who didn't...
However I do agree that its different with different couples...for me it was important to me to NOT live with boyfriends because I like my independence and to me I was only willing to move in with a man when there is a level of commitment thats stronger then a "we're dating...for now". But I have friends who have lived with thier SO's for years and are quite happy, and just went to a wedding of a couple who lived together for 8 years and has 3 kids...so everyone is different, but statistically, it's less likely to lead to a lifelong relationship. But ultimately, its your sisters choice not yours, and if you try and "talk her out of it", she will more likely resent you then listn to you, so just be a support to her and give opinion only when asked for it.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
But surely they are also continuing to teach the important lesson that correlation =/= causation, right? I sure hope they are.
Yes, that's what the basic data says. But how much of that is the act of cohabitation, and how much is the difference in beliefs and values attributed to the types of people who would and wouldn't cohabitate?
I totally agree with you. As I said it really does differ for different couples depending on a huge amount of factors.
I think you are right to suggest that it may have something to do with the values of individuals, many who don't co-habitate are are also more likely to stay married in a situation where they are abused or are otherwise unhappy...so you have to remember that they are figured into the equation of those who "stay married". Also in that number are those who move in together when they are still 'growing up' maturity wise and don't fully know who they are or what they want yet, so it's easy to see why they might not last...so there's definately a lot of factors.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I moved in with my now husband when we were merely dating. No one in my family and none of my friends had done that so it was a little scary and my family was very negative and ashamed..............
but it worked out- we got engaged about a year later and are finally married a year after that. Sometimes you have to take risks but in the end NO ONE knows what is best for you more than you do. If she has any doubts, she should not do it but if she goes, just be supportive.
Thank you everyone for your reply. Its good to know some worked out after living together, it is very good to hear! The ones that didnt, well, that is what my fear is. I guess I wont be in awe if it doesnt, but will be delighted if everything goes how my sister is hoping. I will be there no matter what though.
I did tell her my objections, and told her I supported her with what she ends up doing. I gave her at least some issues to think about when it comes to military living without marriage (thank you llumine) and because we have been very close, basically best friends all while growing up, I felt like I could at least be honest with her. She was a bit defensive at first, but told me she would tell me the same thing if I were in the same position. She knows I only care about her and want what is the best for her. Could lead to resentment, but so far our honesty with each other hasn't lead us there.
Thank you all so much again