Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Newlywed life different, unhappy
Hello, this is my first post. I have been married for almost a month. Prior to our wedding, we were both in school, working, doing long distance, and planning a wedding across the country. Since the wedding, I have moved into a small town where he works, into a new house, and am waiting to find a job. Ever since I moved here, I have been unhappy. I think he has too-there is a disconnect for us that we have never had before. Our sex life is meager to say the least, and I fear that I have become nagging and unpleasant to live with, which I don't think I have ever been like. I don't have any friends yet, no family here or job, and I think that this stress has affected our very fresh marriage. I don't know what to do-he says that he feels negative energy around me and that it doesn't make him want to spend time with me. Is our marriage doomed? Desperate for advice. Thanks.
MochaLoca
Re: Newlywed life different, unhappy
Nothing is ever doomed! Sounds like you are desperately trying to make him happy but don't under estimate the power of doing something for you! Even if it's a small town, I'm sure you can find something that perks your interest. Get away for a couple hours then maybe you'll have a couple of things to talk about. There might even be a sigh of relief on his part if he hears you feel this way, if he feels it too & that could be your first start
Any move or any lifestyle change, marriage included, is stressful and unsettling.
To make thing easier for you: take small steps.:)
What is there to do that you can easily access in your small town?
Volunteer at the local library -- that wold be a good start. Hospitals in the area also need volunteers; you could also try the local animal shelter or after school programs sponsored by your local district school.
He cannot put the entire onus on you! SURE you feel bad; you're trying to find your niche.:)
Yu might also try local stores and shops for a little part time job -- no, it's not going to be a big career but it's to do something until you find an actual job.:)
You and he together also need to find things to do together.
How about joining a club or group or taking a coed sports lesson, like ballroom dancing or tennis or martial arts? There are also adult school classes you can take.
Find things you can do together so that you and he dont' become physical and mental couch potatoes.:)
I had a very similar experience when I got married - I left a wonderful career and a home in a city I loved to join my husband in a big city several thousand miles away. With no job, no friends and nothing familiar, I felt like I was lost all the time.
I was so grateful for some advice form one of the wives of one my of husband's senior colleagues who had seen many young wives suffer through the same thing:
-Don't feel guilty about putting yourself first sometimes. Yes, marriage is all about being generous, but you also need to be who you are, set your own boundaries and live a life that is fulfilling for you. He married you because he loves YOU! You'll have an easier time if you feel ok about being yourself (and he'll be happier around you if you're feeling more like your old self)
-Keep active. The endorphins that come from a good work out do a lot to boost your mood and getting out of the house can be really helpful in seeing the big picture (it's tough when you're stuck inside all day) Even if it's just a walk in the park, it'll help.
-Find people with similar interests. www.meetup.com was a lifesaver for me. The best part? If you don't find a group that works for you, you can create your own.
-Keep a job-hunting to-do list each day. Job hunting these days can be awfully frustrating. If you make a list each day and check off each item, you can look back and see that you've accomplished lots, even if the phone isn't ringing and you don't have an interview tomorrow.
-Learn something new that you've always wanted to learn. It'll engage your brain and help you to meet new people. Local libraries, community centers and colleges all have great options and you'll likely meet other people with similar interests.
-Do something familiar. I make my mom's meatloaf recipe or knit when I'm feeling unsettled. We ate a lot of meatloaf and I donated a lot of scarves/hats/mitts to charity just after we got married
It's a good thing my DH likes meatloaf!
-Take it easy on yourself and realize that this too will pass. You already sound like you're having a rough go, so don't beat yourself up over it on top of that! It's only been a month, and it WILL get better. Just take it one day at a time
This is EXECELLENT advice!!
I got married in January, and moved away from the town I grew up in my whole life. The few few months were hard, I was always sad and grumpy lol. But like the ladies here are saying, it WILL pass. No, you won't ever stop missing some of the old things, but you will settle into your new life and it will be fine.
Your husband is your best friend through this, find things to do together you both will like. Laughter is a great thing.
Hi Emily!!
First, I'd like to say congratulations!!!!
After reading your post, I can recommend getting in touch with what attracted both of you to each other. Sometimes, when you have so many things going on (school, work, long distance), you run the risk of putting the relationship underneath all the other things keeping you busy. Now, having taken a big step, and moving away, and now having to deal with each other, it can be difficult because you may have lost touch with what made you fall in love at the beginning.
Focus on each other. Make a list of things that you know he loves and start doing them. And as all the ladies already said, don't forget about yourself. Involve yourself in your community. When I got married, I had a difficult time adjusting as well. I was an only child, that lived with my parents up until the point when I got married. So moving in with someone, not to mention living with a man... moving to a different city, getting a new job.. it was all very stressful. But I wouldnt let the stress eat at me. I found a trail and started rollerblading. I joined the local gym and took classes. I even volunteered with the american red cross at work.
Don't lose hope. Marriage is beautiful.