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Adult life and best friend...
Hi ladies ? I thought you married gals might possibly understand. My best friend of 20 yrs and I are having a falling out (I think). She has always been the non-married, traveler, never settling down in relationships much. I?ve always wanted a corporate America career, to be married to my husband. Not sure about kids yet (ha!) Recently, she has been unhappy w/her life. She always wanted greater things ? to move to Australia, to teach kids in China, etc. So once life hit her/she never made moves, she realized it was time to stay put and focus on work & making money. We both recently turned 30. It hit her hard, she says. She?s making pennies at work, she?s not where she wants to be in life, etc.
Recently, I?ve had some larger life events ? I graduated from college (finally) and my whole family came to visit us here in NY. She was a part of that event as she always is in all of my life events just like I am in hers. We spent our 30th birthdays together this past summer. So in the past maybe 5 weeks, we haven?t spoken. During our last conversation, she told me 30 hit her hard and that her being a part of all of mine/my husband?s family events makes her feel like the ?single loser friend tagging along.? Mind you, she has a boyfriend (deadbeat) that has been with her for one year. He NEVER comes out. I met him twice, and I don?t know him at all, but she says they?re in love, so I leave it alone. And why does she feel like the single loser friend? Because she says she feels insecure around me due to my life events and certain successes (even though she appreciates that I include her). She says my life right now points out that her life is so far behind, and that she?s not ready for some of the things I?m doing (marriage, thinking about kids/buying a home). But isn?t that what friendship is all about? The fact that we can be in totally different paths and still stay close? She?s like my sister.
I don?t know what I?ve done wrong. Our last conversation/pool hangout was not a fight. We said ?talk to you later? as always. But I have not heard from her once. I?m hurt that she said all of those things. What fault of mine is it that I?ve followed my plan. I?ve always been there for her ? listening and supporting her antic plans (even buying her Australian books). She said she would never let our 20 yr friendship go, and I know she means it. My husband said she might need some space. But why not tell me that? This way I?m not in limbo. My best friend fell of the face of the earth, and I?m too hurt to reach out to her. I feel she should reach out to me. I wasn?t the one who said all of those things to begin with.
Any advice is welcome. Thank you for listening!
Re: Adult life and best friend...
I agree with the hubs, she probably just needs a little space, some time to clear her head and she might be embarrassed to admit that to you. She's clearly looking at your life and recognizing all of the things you've worked hard for and realizing not only does she not have those things but even in the best-case-die-of-old age scenario she's already 1/3 of the way to the finish line with no real start on the life you have, and she now wants. Good jobs, husbands and homes don't just fall in your lap they take time and effort and she might be daunted by all of the things she would suddenly like to accomplish.
I would reach out to her very casually (I know, I know) she hit you with the early mid-life crisis/plan change but depending on how hard 30 has really hit her she could be borderline depressed and might not realize what she said has caused you any hurt- especially since from her perspective your life is all roses. Continue to support her as you have in the past, which includes giving her space but also just let her know when she's ready you're around- remember she also doesn't have the supportive partner you have so she will need/want you to help her through this at some point.
Could this be a grass is greener scenario where she'll change her mind in a couple months? In either case I would offer support at arm's length until she's ready to talk. I think it's unlikely you'll lose a friend you've known for so long over something like this.
I was in a situation with my best friend where I was always the single one who was having fun and dating around and once the tables were turned (she had broken up with a long time bf and I was for once super happy with a guy) it just seemed like she couldn't handle the role change of me being happy. I guess there were other things too, I loved my job and she was always complaining about hers, sounds kind of like your situation in some ways. She made some rude comments and I just looked back at our friendship and decided that I was always there for her and that if she couldn't support me when I was happy then that's not really a true friend. The only "apology" I got was that she was sorry I was upset about it. We haven't talked since.
We weren't friends for 20 years though, which I do feel makes your situation even harder. I would just give her space. It seems to be a way that she is feeling and not anything that you have done to her to cause her to act this way towards you. I think that you have friends for different reasons and different seasons and things change and sometimes you outgrow each other, but I would leave the door open if she chooses to contact you.
I think you should casually reach out to her and make some sort of contact. While I can understand how hurt and upset you are by her comments if she really is down in the dumps or depressed about it she may not have realized what she said to you and the effect it had. It's also possible she does realize what she said and doesn't know how to bring it up with you. If you're both set on waiting for the other one to make a move it may never happen. 20 years is a long time to let go.