Family Matters
20pearls16
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
The "other" parent
| Hey ladies. First let me say married life the second time is so much better even if I'm only 3 weeks in lol. Anywhoo. I know some of you on here have older children like me and can give me some advice. I have 3 children from my previous marriage 20,14,12. My 12 year old son and I got into it last night because he (recently) feels that he can talk to me any old way. I am an old school mama who doesn't tolarate disrespect. You will not live in my house and talk to me any old way. My DH tries not to get get involved because my son has a involved father and doesn't want to step on his toes. I am fine with his postion. Last night it came to a head and I said , "look do you want to go live with your father" and he said yes. I kindly helped him pack his books and football equipment and dropped him off at his dad's house. Today I am sad but I know I did the right thing. His dad and I have a week to week custody agreement so he was used to being there anyway. Plus we live 5 minutes away from each other. My question is have any of you had a child who stated they wanted to live with the other parent and how did you handle it emotionally? |
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Re: The &quot;other&quot; parent
Welcome to what was called "The Generation Gap.":)
He is 12 and rebelling: this is what kids do and it is normal.
NOT acceptable: mouthing off to a parent or an adult. He's to treat you with respect, even if he does think you're 2 old farts that belong in a tar pit somewhere with the rest of the fossils.:)
Maybe he said it in a moment of anger, that he wanted to live with his dad.
Maybe he prefers it there. You'll have to talk to the kiddo when he calms down; objectively and open mindedly, ask him why --- and listen to what he has to say.
It could be a simple matter of him just not liking the rules you and your H laid out.:( Too bad; rules are rules. I am sure his father has them too at his home.
I'm not a parent, but I am a person who opted to live with "the other parent" when I was about 11 (I'm 39 now). All I can say is that while I don't regret my decision to live with my father, while my brothers opted to live with my mother; I do regret some things and wish they had been handled better.
Like your situation, when my parent divorced they lived in close proximity (different towns, 20 minute car ride) and my mother had custody and we saw my dad on weekends. When I moved in with him (they actually told us to decide, and after hearing my mother say in frustration one too many times "Why don't you all just live with your father,") I called him and asked him to come get me. That was it -- he came, packed up some stuff and we left. I never spoke to my mother about it, I never spoke to my brothers (one older, one younger) about it, we just left.
My regret is that I didn't grow up in the same house as my brothers. I wish I had that experience, even though living with my father was probably better all around (evil stepmother aside) and I saw my brothers on weekends and holidays. To this day I feel like I let them down.
So - all I can say is that you make everything very out in the open. Make sure he knows that he can make the decision (if that's true), but with every decision he needs to consider all sides (like this come with not living with his sister.) Sometimes I think it would have been better if my parents hadn't given us the choice, that some decisions shouldn't be left to kids, even if it feels like it's in their best interest at the time. It's too much responsibility.
When we were little, my older sister told our mom that she wanted to live with our dad. Our mom complied, but she was so distracted with how our father was raising my older sister that our mom pretty much forgot about me and my younger sister. We felt like she thought we were less important than our big sister, and it put a strain on our relationship for a long time. Please don't forget about any other kiddos that are still living with you; they need your love and attention! GL with this.
No, you didn't do the right thing. Throwing out "do you want to live with your father" during an argument with your son is the equivalent of throwing out "do you want a divorce" when arguing with your spouse.
You can't kick your child out of the house every time he disrespects you. Figure out a better way to discipline your kid.
Go get your kid. Once this has passed, you and your ex can figure out the best living arrangement.
Did you know the bump has a blended families board? There may be more people who have walked in your shoes on that board (or, step-parents who had a child move from one house into theirs).
Personally, I don't think a 12 year old should get to choose where they live - - but every case is different. Hopefully your ex can instill in your son that he can't talk to his mom in a disrespectful tone. If you both get along, hopefully you can work together.
Every kid is different. Just because you successfully navigated a kid to college and another in high school doesn't mean what worked for them will work for your 12. Middle school boys are mouthy and cranky; it's a stage. I'm OK with allowing a child to choose between homes, but it shouldn't be a choice made in anger. And I agree with you that some boys really need a male role model and discipline.
But leaving shouldn't be done because a mom offered it as an option during a fight when she's just now remarried. In homes where both parents are present, the option to move out doesn't exist, so parents have to deal with the behavior rather than foist it on someone else.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
All of the above.
( my college graduate daughter is 37, guess you are trumped)
( my college graduate daughter is 37, guess you are trumped)
Ummm okaaaaynow that he is with his dad DO NOT allow him to decide that maybe it was better at your house an let him come back. Teach him that every action has a consequence and now he has to deal with it.
I knew someone whose kids thought it was better at teh other parents house..so off they went to live there. A few months later they decided it wasnt all rainbows and butterflys and wanted to go back...nope, didnt happen. The original custodial parent got a night job with better pay/benefits and couldnt be there to supervise them ( teen agers) so they had to stay put.
Yep, it means absolutely nothing. My point exactly.