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Is my SIL making her kids neurotic?
Okay, this has been on my mind a lot so I hope you can all weigh-in (ha). My sister-in-law is...high maintenance. However, I've been friends with her for nearly 30 years (yes, I married my friend's brother) so while I don't like that aspect of her, I'm used to it. One issue that is that she is obsessed with thinness, exercising, eating "healthy" (ie: NO fat, low cal, no sugar, etc.) This is fine so long as she keeps it to herself. She also has some other OCD tendencies which she will admit to, but won't get professional help for (she has talked to me about it.)
What's bothering me is that she seems to be passing on/teaching these neurotic tendencies to her 6-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son and it's making me nuts. Example: my niece was at our house for a family picnic while my SIL and her husband were on a vacation (another aunt brought them over for a visit.) I offered my niece some lemonade and she said, "How much sugar is in?" And then, "How many calories does it have?" I don't have children, but this seems out of whack to me. Is this normal for a child?
Later, I overheard her playing with another cousin and her idea of "playing" was "Let's workout! I need to workout more." Again - normal talk and play for a 6 year old? Regarding my nephew, I took them to a zoo and as we walked around he kept saying, "We're getting our exercise."
Maybe I'm over-sensitive because I find my SIL's obsession with exercise annoying (BTW, I work out at max 2 times a week, so we're definitely from 2 different schools of thought on the subject) but I have a hard time thinking that this is healthy for the kids and the problem is when the children are with me, I want to do everything I can to negate what their mom tells them! (ie: Niece: "Aunt Heather, you shouldn't eat that - mommy says it's bad." Me: "Mommy is wrong.") Plus, I'm feeling some pent-up annoyance towards my SIL for being so obsessed and controlling in other areas and I'm uncomfortable being around her now.
Any input is appreciated.
Thanks.
Re: Is my SIL making her kids neurotic?
I don't have children myself yet, but in no way is it healthy for a 6yr old girl to be talking about calories and talking about "working out!" Of course they are getting exercise while playing but they shouldn't be thinking of it as "work" so to speak.
I think you may have to speak to your sil (IF you really are that close) and let her know that the children seem to be acting different. That your concerned that they are worrying about things that children shouldn't worry about. If you think your dh would be better at talking with you sil with maybe he should sit her down. It just depends on who would be able to say it more calmly. People get really offended (and who can blame them) when you tell them how to care for their children. In this case it's for the good. So maybe talk to dh and go from there.
It sounds to me like the SIL is way too health conscrious. You can give kids healthy food -- in our house, way way back in the day, it was no sodas, no candy (rationed and at Halloween, we got some, but not all of it; the rest got given away) and no plethora of junk foods. It was milk with every meal, not sugary sodas -- and if we had stuff like lemonade, Kool Aid, etc during the summer months, it was in moderation. There wasn't a pitcher of it on the table constantly.
Rules were rules but wow, we didn't continually tote up the calories, etc.
She's making too much of a mountain out of a moehill. She needs to lighten up.
Thank you for letting me know this isn't normal! I mean, if someone had said, "Yeah, sure, kids do this all the time," I'd say, Okay - I didnt know that. But the way you advise addressing it is very reasonable. Her daughter has shown signs of being worried over non-kid issues in other areas as well (ie: money, house cleanliness (mine - ha), schedules and agendas, etc.) I'm actually having dinner with SIL tonight, so it might be a good time to get it out there.
Thank you.
yes your SIL is neurotic.
it's unfortunate that she hasn't taught moderation but rather total avoidance.
while you can't tell her how to raise her kids (and lets face it they're probably lucky ot have a mom who teaches them the importance of good diet and excercise-got knows there are enough kids who could really benefit from that direction) she also must teach them to not be annoying jerks-which is how they sound. LOL not that you can say that to her....but i would mention it to her that this is what you notice and the comments they make to you. perhaps they dont mean to question or make such comments but they dont know that they shouldn't either. not everywhere is like SILs house you know?
i dont have kids. i work out 5 days a week. i watch what i eat. i'm not neurotic. i'd find those kids down right annoying if it were me.
Some of us are quick bloomers -- I know of one young lady who is --- and some of us are very very late in development
All that was needed was a trip to the doc. He'd have assured your mother you were fine and that she was acceptable weight for height. 100 pounds at 5 feet sounds okay to me.
No it is not "normal" behavior for a 6 year old, but it is normal behavior in her house. Kids copy what they see and hear around them so all she hears is talk about exercise and to watch what she eats. Hopefully it will not lead to anything serious in that child.
BUT, now this is very important. DO NOT NEGATE THE MOTHER!!!! That is her child, not yours. She is not doing anything to harm the child, so stay out of it. If she tells you something is bad for you, reply that people like different foods. Offer to let her try things or say you make them differently than Mommy. You are taking your pent-up "annoyance" at your SIL out on your niece.
Not normal or healthy. I work with a girl who had a mother that did this exact thing. She has serious body issues now that she is a grown 35 year old woman.
She weighs 98 pounds. Eats popcorn or rice cakes for lunch. Never saw her eat anything "good" for her. Constantly says she's fat. She will eat lunch then run outside and walk laps around the building to burn off what she ate. She hasn't had a period in years.
I feel so bad for her. Her entire life is consumed with counting calories and exercising. She can't have the children she wants because she won't allow her body to gain the healthy weight she needs.
I fear for those kids too.
I agree with not negating the mother. I generally think it's a bad idea for adults to undercut one another in front of a child. But I disagree with the bolded. If, at 6, this child is already concerned about the amount of sugar in a glass of lemonade, to me that's a red flag that she's at risk for an eating disorder later on.
I say this as the overweight child of a women obsessed with diet and exercise. Every year there would be pictures of Victoria's Secret models taped on the kitchen cabinets, the fridge and the scale. My mom lived on popcorn and diet soda for years and worked out religiously until she destroyed both of her knees. Thankfully she never, ever pushed this obsession on me. I ended up deciding she was nuts and that my self image was not going to be based on my looks. But I just as easily could have ended up anorexic trying to keep up with her.
OP, I agree with PPs suggestion to carefully (and non accusingly) voice your concerns to your SIL. Or to have your husband do so. You can't force her to change her lifestyle but perhaps you can help her curb her obsessions in front of her children before it does lifelong damage.
Just FYI - - it is not out of the ordinary for a 6-7 year old to be concerned with their weight and being "fat." Recently my DD started talking about being "fat" (she is perfectly healthy and average for her age - although there are girls who are "skinnier" in her class, there are definately bigger girls in there, too).
I was very concerned b/c I was wondering where she picked this up. Home (DH and I both try to excercise and good food choices, but we aren't skinny, "buff" or neurotic)? TV? School?
I asked a neighbor who is a 2nd grade teacher and she told us unfortunately a lot of 2nd grade girls are like that.
I personally think you need to tread cautiously. In fact, I would have your H (her brother and the children's uncle) talk to her if he feels it is needed. "Let's play workout" is not out-of-the ordinary for a child who sees their mom work out to excercise tapes or Wii fit or goes to a gym. Definately not the same as saying "oooh! I just ate a cookie! I need to work out they will go straight to my hips!" Ditto about asking about what is in the lemonade - - DS recently asked someone if the milk they were serving was organic. We drink organic milk at home, but DS can eat whatever they are serving at a playdate or birthday party - even soda.
I may have a different perspective - but dh has a lot of (and it's the females only) family members who tend to be "alarmist" - - they want to "rush" to the rescue and can be overly dramatic. Of course, they are "only trying to help" ("I"m only trying to help THE CHILDREN!!!!! - it's all about the CHILDREN!!!").
I think you need to question your own motives. You say you no longer get along with your former bff - - I think a long talk with your H is in order and if you have problems with SIL, resolve them separately, instead of dragging her kids into your issues with her.
Hi All,
I really appreciate all of the input. I had thought I would try to bring it up with her last night when we were together at dinner, but I really felt uncomfortable about it and thought maybe I was over-reacting. And of course, she's the mom, not me. I appreciate the perspective of those who had moms who sound like my SIL and have struggled with body image issues and I'll definitely be tuned-in to my niece for those concerns. NJ_Girl is accurate when she says that I should address my other issues with my SIL rather than focusing on this. Going from a 25 year friendship to a SIL relationship can be quite a balancing act! Thank you all!
As PPs have mentioned, if this is the type of behavior your niece and nephew have seen in their home, then it is not at all unusual for them to mimic the behaviors. However, it is also not unusual for children who grow up to have eating disorders to display this type of behavior at a young age. It's hard to know now if this is the beginning of a disordered body image, or if it's just play.
However, I think I have some good advice for how you can respond to your niece. When I was in the second grade, I had a friend that started acting the same way. She went on a "diet" (eating the salad bar instead of hot lunch) and walking around the playground during recess for exercise. I didn't think much of it - I was more of a follower as a kid. One day, I mentioned to my mom that I was eating the salad bar because we need to watch our figure - or some other ridiculous thing. My mom's reaction stays with me to this day: she looked at me with a confused face, and said "I like that you're eating healthy, but you know you're beautiful just the way you are, right? If you want to have the hot lunch, you can go right ahead."
This type of response to your niece and nephew doesn't negate what their mother says, but might put a more positive spin on their behavior. Because it is pretty great that doing something so fun like going to the zoo is healthy for you, too.
Wonderful response for my niece and nephew - thank you!
Honestly, I do think you're looking for things your SIL is doing "wrong", be it to validate your own life choices or because you're annoyed with her in some other way.
I don't find an issue in the exercise comments. My son pretends to exercise, because my husband and I do. And he's probably made some comment similar to the one your nephew made about the zoo. It's a healthy attitude to have.
Your nieces comments may or may not be problematic, but you really can't draw any conclusions that she will become "neurotic" at this point.
You don't say anything to the mother, because it won't do a bit of good. Unless you start noticing serious issues with your niece regarding body image, this isn't the time to intervene.