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Need advice: family and funerals
A close family friend of DH's family passed away very suddenly last Friday. This was the father of a family that DH's fam took vacations with, spent holidays with, etc. I went to both of this man's daughters' weddings with DH. One of his daughters is expecting a baby around the same time as me. It makes me so sad that her dad will not be around to meet his first grandchild.
Anyway, the funeral is Friday and is about 2 1/2 hours away. I was planning on taking the day off to go with DH but now my MIL is acting all weird about it. She's harping on how packed the church will be, how there is going to have to be a reception somewhere else, how they are taking care of the deceased man's family's dogs and the house is in chaos, etc. So now the stage is set for lots of the usual antics and drama that accompany visits to his family. DH is stressed about it. I just wish that the actual reason we will all be down there (to celebrate this man's life) could be the central focus here.
Anyway, I feel like I am about to walk into a hornet's nest. Now DH is telling me I shouldn't feel like I have to come. I don't even know what advice I am asking for. If I go, how do I deal with the insanity, beyond just acting sane myself?
Re: Need advice: family and funerals
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I'm sorry about the loss...what a tragedy.
I would imagine that when you get there, your MIL will be more subdued. I would just do your best to ignore her and focus on the real reason that you are there. Presumably ILs and this man had other mutual friends, so she'll probably be preoccupied with them during the funeral and event afterwards.
If she starts to get annoying, just fake baby pains and say you need to sit down and focus on your stomach. That should make her go away.
I am a firm believer that you should never let family drama keep you away from being there for people in their time of need. When something serious happens like death or illness, you just go - no questions asked. I mean, think about your concerns compared to those of his girls? They've got your crazy MIL to deal with to some extent, on top of losing their father.
That said, I'm also a firm beliver in stayingtheheckoutofit as a strategy to handle family drama - a hotel room is a fantastic idea. And don't be afraid to remind your MIL of the gravity of the situation too - sounds like she could use a reminder.
This is really wise advice Pescalita! Thanks. And I agree about MIL needing a reminder of the gravity of the situation. She will take the tragedy as an opportunity to make everyone around her miserable becuase that is the way she operates!
Thanks for all the good advice guys. I feel better.
ditto on the hotel room. And don't get sucked into the drama dance. It's already starting to affect your hubby - understandably since it's his family and this is an emotional blow to him, too - so try to be the strong one and let it go past you like water. Of course, you should go. You and DH are family and you go to family events together. Period.
Try to keep reminding yourself how normal people are supposed to act and try to ignore the craziness.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's important that you be there for your DH and to pay your respects, and it's odd that your MIL is making a big deal at such a tough time for everyone concerned.
Just try to stay above the fray as best you can, and hopefully MIL will realize the gravity of the situation and that it's not about her.
I'm glad it didn't come off harsh. PP's are right that your MIL is probably just reacting to the grief in the only way she knows how, even though it's not the ideal response. At my grandfather's funeral my cousins and I had a full out war that included several of us kicking my one defenseless cousin as he lie on the staircase landing. Of course, we weren't even teenagers yet, but people do strange things in times of grief. If you have the distance or wherewithall to stay above all that,
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Oh no, not harsh at all!