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Holidays as a married couple
My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. Both of our families live within 35 minutes of us, so holidays have always been difficult to spend time with each side. In the beginning (a few years of dating), we would do them separately and I would either stop by his parents' house on my way home or just go home after I finished spending time with my family. We have tried changing it up the past few years and go over to my Grandma's earlier and then go over to his parents' house afterwards since it is on our way home. We would only end up spending maybe 1 1/2 hours tops with my family and 5+ hours with his. I decided to tell my DH that I don't think it's necessarily fair to do it like that. My grandma is getting up there in age and I would love to spend more time with her during the holidays. He suggested going over there earlier to make the time between both families even. I personally don't like that idea because a.) how can I spend more time with her if she's in the kitchen cooking and preparing for the rest of the family to come over and b.) the rest of my family doesn't show up until 15 minutes before dinner time, so I still don't get to spend a good amount of time with them either. My family is a little more flexible on what time the festivities start, so there have been a few holidays when they've changed dinner to 1pm instead of 3pm so we can make it to his parents' house by the time they start their dinner, but that's not fair to them to expect them to do that every single holiday. I suggested that we alternate holidays, that way it is 50/50 and we get to spend the same amount of time with both families. One family will get Thanksgiving/Christmas Day and the other will get Christmas Eve and then we will just switch who gets what every year. My DH's argument is that he would like to spend time with his grandma (who is also up there in age), nephew and niece. I told him that I completly agree, but it isn't fair to me to only spend a short amount of time with my relatives and a good part of the day with his. I had to explain to him that it is an adjustment for both of us since we are both used to spending time with our families during the holidays, but we need to compromise and my 50/50 alternating holiday plan is the best bet. Also, we want kids in the future, so this is a good way to avoid the holiday drama when we have them by having a system in place.
How do you and your DH celebrate holidays with both families in the same state?
Re: Holidays as a married couple
We live in a different state from my parents and his mother. DH's father and SM live 10 minutes away from us. We rotate Christmas between visiting my family and his mother out of town. For Thanksgiving, we rotate between the three states and sometimes stay at home. It's a hard thing to do especially when the families are used to not having to share your time.
One bit of advice that H's cousin gave to me is to begin to create our own traditions in our family and that it's fine to not always do what people expect us to do. When we have children, we will likely be staying home more often for holidays to create traditions for our children.
In your situation, the 50/50 split seems to be the best way to go.
my grandma (who hosts christmas) lives about 2 miles from his parents (who also host) we split the day in half. if dh's family gets 2 hours more than mine-oh well. i've never kept track of things like that because it's silly to keep score.
also having to 'explain' to him about how its a compromise sounds really condiscending towards him. he knows it's a compromise. dont explain what he already knows and dont use the 'when we have kids it will be worked out' thing. there isn't any drama that you haven't created. this is very simple: if he's not on board with equal time you take separate cars to your familys house. he can go to his familiys when he wants, you can stay with your family as long as you want and the head over to his familys. also-i dont know if the 'i cant spend quality time with grandma because she'll be cooking' is a valid reason for you not wanting to go early. why can't it be quality time? help her cook!
i dont believe your 50/50 plan is best.
Have you all thought about hosting once in a while? H and I traveled constantly for years to see his family and we finally had enough and decided we would take over one holiday a year (not just limited to Thanksgiving/Christmas). That way both our families can come and stay as long as they'd like. We just bought a house and as PP said, are starting to make our own traditions.
Also, a friend of mine hosts a "leftover" thanksgiving day. They do a potluck of left overs, play games and drink beer with the family that wasn't visited on the actual day. Her family loves it and actually prefers to attend that day
if he's not on board with equal time you take separate cars to your familys house. he can go to his familiys when he wants, you can stay with your family as long as you want and the head over to his familys
I don't agree with this point. If there is no drama currently, do this will definitely create drama. You two are a unit and should be treated as such. If DH were to show up at his family's place without his wife, that would create a lot of questions and assumptions. The same if you stayed at your family's place and DH left. You all have two months to figure this out. GL!
I do agree that if this isn't working for you, then something needs to give. I agree that his getting 5 hours at Christmas while you get 1.5 isn't fair. He does need to consider maybe seeing his family earlier, before dinner.
BUT I'm also going to say.... if both of your families are local, why SO MUCH emphasis on this ONE day? I would imagine you both see your grandmothers at other times, that he is able to spend time w/ his neice and nephew, etc. Why is this ONE DAY "oh so important" that you're both letting it become an issue?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"don't agree with this point. If there is no drama currently, do this will definitely create drama. You two are a unit and should be treated as such. If DH were to show up at his family's place without his wife, that would create a lot of questions and assumptions. The same if you stayed at your family's place and DH left. You all have two months to figure this out. GL! "
my quote function isn't working but Jana I disagree. it will not create drama. but this was an example of what she can do because her DH can't seem to compromise. there's nothing wrong wtih him saying to his family 'shes going to be at her family's place for a little while longer-she'll be here in a bit' certainly woulnd't create questions and not suspicions.
We spend half the day with his family and half with mine. I hate it!!! We lives 20 mins from his family and we see his brother and parents every week. My Dad lives and hour away and my sister is 5 hours away. So I have to "squeeze" them in on Holidays. I am never a happy camper!!
My vote is to start holidays at your own place... invites both parents and grandparents.
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If you think that's bad, my H's family celebrates every holiday TWICE. My FIL is armenian and my MIL is romanian, so every christmas is celebrated twice (the 25th and then the first weekend of January for what 'americans' as my FIL refers to anyone who isn't armenian as called 'little christmas'), every easter is celebrated twice as well since romanians follow the orthodox calendar for holidays. And we are expected to be there. every. single. time. for every. single. holiday. Nevermind the fact that I have a family too
The only holiday I get to really spend with my family is Thanksgiving and my H acts like it's a chore to go there. My family lives 2.5 hours away and both my mother's birthday and mine fall on the same day, which is either on, or the weekend of Thanksgiving.
We also just bought a house, so we decided that starting next year, we are going to start hosting holidays at our place because it's true...we are a family too and want to start our own traditions
DH and I have never split holidays...our families live a little too far away for that to be convenient. And I don't think I would enjoy wherever we are the first half of the day, since I'd be thinking about when we have to leave. Plus, now that we have a baby, splitting the day would make even less sense.
We do something pretty similar to your 50/50 idea. Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas day with his. My family makes a big deal out of Christmas Eve and his only celebrates Christmas day, so it's win-win. Also, we usually spend Thanksgiving with his family and Easter with mine. So, of the four major holidays, we each get two. And when we commit to seeing a certain family on a certain holiday, the whole day is then committed to that specific family. As far as I know, no one feels slighted. Yes, it means I don't get to see my Grandmother on Thanksgiving, but that's just part of the sacrifice i have to make, seeing as I have inlaws now--besides, I can make an effort to see my relatives on other days.
So, yeah, I say 50/50 is the way to go.
We rotate holidays and/or celebrate on other days...like spend christmas eve with one side, christmas day with the other, thanksgiving day with one side, thanksgiving monday with the other side, the long weekend in aug with one side one year, with the other the next year, (happens with christmas if people are out of town too)...It doesnt seem like it needs to be as hard people are making it out to be....and personally...
I would never split the day of the holiday because whats the point of going to spend time with family, mine or his, if we are just going to pack up to go to the other side and then miss half the event with both sides?
I know my mom would rather celebrate christmas on christmas eve and have a good amount of time with us (knowing she gets christmas day the next year), then have us kids come eat her food and then jet and leave her with cleanup so we can make it to the other persons relatives.
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My grandma loves cooking for the whole family since she only has herself to cook for since my grandpa passed away 11 years ago. I try to see her as often as I can which isn't much since my husband and I live 25 miles away from her and work 50+ hours. It's the same situation with his grandma; we only get to see them and actually get to spend quality time with them on holidays.
Also, I have a feeling both sides of the family would FREAK if one of us decided to leave mid-festivity.
You and your DH are a family now and you need to figure out what works for the two of you. If you do plan on having kids, better to start laying the groundwork NOW for things changing because to drag kids around like this really isn't fair to them.
B- 25 miles? Really? That's keeping you all from seeing your "oh so beloved" grandmothers at more than just the holidays?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I take my grandma out to lunch and visit her as often as I can working such a demanding job. I never said we only see them on holidays. Since we don't know how much longer they will be around, we want to cherish the holidays and memories that are being created. We have our own commitments and responsibilites when it comes to our careers and both families understand that.
My side is all Air Force and are the only ones here while the rest of my extended family is spread throughout the country. His parents moved here by themselves when they were younger. Neither families had any other family members to split time with.
My entire family lives in Oregon, my DH's family all lives in CT where we also live. I wish I was in your situation and only lived a short drive from my family, instead of a long plane-ride away. We have decided that we will spend one Christmas with DH's family, the next one with mine. Christmas is the only holiday I get to spend with my family, every other one is spent with DH's family. Tell your H to stop being so selfish and to compromise with you.
Boxing Day!
Actually, I highly suggest the Alternating holidays three ways - one year at home, one year with DH's family and one year with Your family.
Kids should be able to have christmas in their own homes, with their own things, to be able to play with their toys when they want to.
Actually - you did: "we only get to see them and actually get to spend quality time with them on holidays."
My point with this is that MOST of us, if we look at what OUR parents do w/ their own parents (assuming their parents are alive, or at a point when they were alive) - is that OUR parents are NOT running around between houses still. At some point, they stopped doing that. So.... they shouldn't be surprised when you and your DH decide to do this too.That's the point.
This still boils down to your DH, though. Doesn't matter what your families think if you can't even get your DH on the same page as you about where/how much time to spend w/ each family.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My DH is an only child so his Mom struggled when I came into the picture and we needed to split our time. We alternate holidays. We do every other Thanksgiving and Easter so if my family is having Thanksgiving, his family gets Easter and then next year it flips. We spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas day with mine although this year is an exception due to some family drama with his side that we're excusing ourselves from.
While I think it is always nice to be respectful of established traditions in families, people also have to understand that YOU and your DH are a family now too and you have to start traditions of your own. There is nothing wrong with that. Sure, it maybe a struggle at first to get people to understand that, but they'll get there eventually. At some point, your parents stopped spending the holidays with THEIR cousins and Aunts/Uncles, etc. Someday, you will too.
We alternate holidays like most others do - Christmas is spent with DH's family and we do our own thing on Thanksgiving. Easter is a toss up because we make the choice whether or not to make the trip to Barbados to see my family for our vacation or we stay at home.
Halloween is a big deal because my FIL passed away that day so we have a HUGE costume party since it was his favority holiday and it was how he always celebrated. That's an unlikely holiday but it's in there since it's on our calender.
50/50 is a pretty fair trade though - it shouldn't be a matter of whose family should get the most time.
All of our family lives in the same metro area - we don't do two families on one holiday except on the rare occasion. We basically do the 50/50 rotate you suggested. This year is Christmas Eve/Thanksgiving with the inlaws and Christmas Day/Easter with my family. My sister and I work out the holiday schedule on our side of the family so that we're all together - last year that meant that "Christmas Eve" was celebrated on the 23rd since she needed to see inlaw families on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day due to the death of BIL's grandma.
It works for us. I won't do the two families on one day as I find it too stressful. To me it is better to focus on one family a day instead of splitting time. We have a child now and I don't think it will really adjust our system - just will adjust the time we get places.
Rotate each year, and rotate holidays, Thanksgiving
at one, Xmas at the other. Switch the next year.
My DH and I have a similar problem. His extended families on both his mother's and his father's sides get together. My dad's extended family gets together for holidays as well. The biggest problem is that my side lives three hours away from his side. No possibility of sharing there.So far we've rotated, however this is causing friction with his family. They are very close and expect you to attend every holiday. If all the other married cousins can make it, we apparently should be able to as well.
There is no easy answer that will please everyone. Just try to be as fair as possible, and do what's best for you as a couple. Like a PP said, you're a unit. No side of the family should be more important than another.
DH, our girls and I live in one state. Both sets of parents live in another, about 1.5 hours from each other.
What we've settled into over the years is that Thanksgiving has become our "at home" holiday. Anyone is welcome to join us (they never do, but the invitation is out there) but we are not traveling.
For Christmas, we go up on the 22nd and stay with the ILs until Christmas morning, which includes an immediate family dinner at SILs house on Christmas Eve. Christmas morning we wake up, have breakfast, load up, and head to my family for the day. We used to stay overnight with them and go home on the 26th but due to some changes in location it works best that we actually drive back home late that night.
Yes, it's a bit unbalanced (more time with the ILs) but I'm ok with that because my parents visit us at our home a bit more often plus I can drive up there for a weekend whenever if I want more time. The reason we don't switch off Eve and Day each year is that my sister spends Christmas Eve with *her* ILs, so I would not see her and my niece/nephews in those years. DH and I agree that the important thing is the immediate families, and the kids, so he's ok missing out on his extended family get together in favor of mine on Christmas Day (plus, he gets Easter with them...I'm not Christian, and even though much of my family is they don't typically do much that day anyway).
It's about finding what works for you and your DH, no matter how everybody else reacts to it. My MIL was disappointed in the first few years that we were skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, but she's gotten over it and is just thrilled to have us for the few days we are there. I'm waiting for 2013 when we spring on everyone that we aren't coming at all, because we've booked a cruise over Christmas week...now that should be interesting!