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Mother driving me crazy
My mother and I do not have the best relationship. She drives me crazy. She was so caught up dealing with my wild older sister that she didn't have much time for me growing up. I was not neglected or unloved, but I ended up being much more independent than my mother enjoys. My mother thrives off people needing her. She would be perfectly content if I needed her all the time. I, however, do NOT need much at all from her. I do not want to hang out and when she calls she annoys me. I feel bad because I know she means well...
Anytime I decline doing something with her or haven't talked to her in a day or so she pouts like a baby and makes me feel like crap for not wanting to be around her. I know the childish behavior is a lot of what makes me crazy, but I don't know what to do about feeling bad about not wanting much to do with her. I know it hurts her, but it is how I feel!
Any advice?!
Re: Mother driving me crazy
I don't even know why I feel the way I do really. She doesn't get defensive, just upset. Everything hurts her feelings. Today she came by *after I talked her once today and told her I didn't need anything - I am on bed rest*
She brought by potted plants, very sweet of her. However, they will die. I probably should have kept my mouth shut and just taken them and not worried about it. She acts like I just breaks her heart anytime I am not interested in hanging out or thrilled over every little thing. She is a very excited person and gets upset when others do not share her enthusiasm.
When dealing with someone so sensitive, the best thing to do is to just say thank you and keep quiet. Show appreciation, and don't say anything negative.
Another thing to make sure you do is set boundaries. If you don't need anything, she may not get that subtle hint. You should tell her explicitly that you do not want her to come over.
Best of luck!
My MIL does this to DH. We didn't go to a dinner party at her house last weekend (with her friends, not family) because we already had plans. She called DH to tell him how hurt and offended us making plans with other people instead of coming to her dinner made her feel. Mind you we never said yes and then bailed, we already had plans and we saw her the previous weekend. She is going on vacation for the next two weeks (leaving early Thursday) and I'm pretty sure we're going to get a guilt trip for not making time to see her before she leaves even though we just found out about her trip.
You could have a sit down with her and lay out boundaries, tell her how she makes you feel when she lays the guilt trip. Keep in mind your Mom may never change her behavior. So then what is necessary is to work on how you feel in response. Wanting independence from your Mom is not an irrational desire by any means.
There is a great book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent, but your Mom's behaviors sound a bit like they would fall into the codependent category. I read the book to help understand a friend and how I could retool our friendship to be healthier. It may give you some insight and some new tools.