Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-laws...
...are killing me. Okay, so my husband is the older of two children (he has a sister). His sister has kids and that's alllll anyone cares about...her and her family. No one acted like they cared during our wedding because his sister found out she was pregnant during the planning process and that's all that mattered. We've been married over a year now and we are still on the back burner. His sister and her kids are always at my in-laws and we only get invited over for holidays and birthdays.... and when we're there no one even bothers to converse with us and are pretty much by ourselves, unless we want to talk about the kids. My husband never says anything, but I, as an "outsider", can see how unfair his family is and it hurts me that they treat my husband this way. I'm too the point where my in-laws do nothing but annoy me and I dread being around them. He is their child too and there is no reason for the favortism... just because we don't have kids does not mean we don't matter. My husband only sees his mom at family gatherings. Lately I have been pushing the bar a little higher and higher with the comments I make to my husband about his family. He never disagrees with me, so I believe he thinks the same thing I do. How do I deal with this for the rest of my life? HELP.
Re: In-laws...
Well, he doesn't "disagree" w/ his parents either, right? But you assume that means he's really hurt by them. But when he doesn't disagree w/ you - you assume he agrees with you?
My point- be careful about making assumptions on either end of this. If it's really an issue, TALK to your DH about it and ASK him how it makes him feel. He might not actually care all that much.
And from my own lessons learned, be careful about going down the path of how they "do nothing but annoy you". You say one thing too much, you might find that your DH is pissed at YOU.
THis happened to me. My DH is actually on the same page as me when it comes to his parents. He's annoyed by them the same way I am, but I got TOO bitter and they really could NEVER do anything right in my eyes, and he called me out on it.
I pulled back. A lot. And I realized they aren't "all bad" and, no matter what, they are my DH'S PARENTS. He loves them. Flaws and all, he loves them. I am able to vent to a degree, but I also look for times I can say "yeah- that's not a big deal".
TRUST ME on this. TRUST me.
Be careful, figure out where your DH really stands, and go from there.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But if you feel badly about this, you need to tell him. He in turn needs to speak up and tell them you feel bad.
Maybe they are inadvertently doing what they are doing; maybe your H may not care.
What's important is that you stick together on this and you are a team together.
This. ILs might not be aware of what they are doing. And they can't read your mind- how do you expect them to know how you feel if you don't tell them?
Yes, be mature and pro-active.
Hate to say it...But I am going to say this nicely as possible...I am a sister! I am a mother! therefore, I know! When it comes to a daughter and son...parents treat children diffrently! When I had my son...I had to literally, ask my mom to allow me to be the mother to my own baby! My two brothers had there daughters first...so grandkid thing wasn't new to my parents! But, by sils didn't allow them to have as much access to the baby(ies) That your own daughter will! when you have a daughter, she will come to MOM for advice! I did! They were my parents!
When you and DH have your babies, they are going dote on your babies too! Your gonna want your mom around you as much as possible! Babies and kids in general are hard to raise! They grow up fast! Enjoy the kids! don't be jeollous of them...you have new neices an nephews to play with! Your turn will come!
Ooo this. Partly for your relationship with your husband, but also for your own happiness and serenity. I've spent a lot of time feeling angry about MIL, and anticipating the worst from her, but really all that got me was bitter and cranky.
MIL will never be close, but she's just a person, and she's not a bad person. She has her flaws but don't we all.
Let your DH take the lead on what he wants from his family.