Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL Request WWYD
DH sent me an email to day stating the following:
?Hey I just spoke to my mom. She told me she really wants to connect with you more. She was hoping you could call her more often, she said she's tried to reach out to you, she wanted you to consider to speak to her more often if you want to.?
I am ok with his Mom; to be honest I still do not think she thought I was the best pick for her son. She had already planned who he was supposed to marry oh well whatever.
I sent him an email I will try harder. First, I do not talk to my own Mom like that, way to be busy and life in general. He sent me the following email back:
?Its fine if you try but its whether or not you want to ?
I want to say isn?t this the same lady that you called six times the other day and did not get a call back until this morning. I am not going to call her all the time and she is busy, my niece called her last month to tell her thanks you for birthday gift. I talked to my niece last night and she still has not received a return phone call.
I just did not think we were that close to be talking like that. I am thinking because she never had a daughter and she wants that bond, however, I have a Mom I do not want that bond with her. What should I say I am not trying to be rude but I am not interested.
Re: MIL Request WWYD
When you married your H, you married his family, too. She wants to be a part of your life, and I don't think that's a bad thing... Reaching out to you might be hard for her to do, since you mentioned that you don't think she would have picked you to marry her son. She is trying to be a bigger person, don't push her away.
I'm not saying you have to be BFFLs or anything, but maybe call once or twice a week just to catch up or say "hi." Maybe she wants to be closer to your kids, too, and hear from them more? You mentioned that you are both busy people, so I'm sure she won't want to monopolize your time. Instead of calling, you could e-mail, text, skype?
My relationship with ILs used to be awful(they also had a different person in mind to marry DH). But once I got to know MIL better (and vise versa) and we both grew up a bit, we realized we have a lot in common and we get along great. GL
OP- marrying your DH isn't going to make you best friends w/ his mom. Clearly. And this is O.K. The issue is - your DH AND his mom need to realize this. If you don't do all this w/ your own mom, for anyone to expect you to do this w /his mom - I think that's unfair.
Relationships can't be forced. You can sit and call her and "try", but if there is no connection, there is no connection. He needs to be giving some of this message to his mom. You marrying her son does NOT require you to now become "like a daughter" to her. He and she need to relaize this.
If my DH came to me w/ this, I'd tell him "I don't have this relationiship w/ my own mom. Realistically, I'm not going to have it w/ your mom. I need for both of you to realize that this can't be forced. If she wants to reach out, I'll be glad to talk to her - whether she calls, we go out, or whatever - but putting the onus on ME to be the one calling her isn't fair. She wants this, she needs to reach out. I'll make an effort in return, but again - you BOTH need to realize a close relationship can't be forced.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you all for the responses, we do not live close and when we did about nine months ago or so we saw each other maybe once a month, maybe. We would come by and see DH's Dad and she was not home from work or a meeting etc. So there were many times we did not see her.
I will call her on her birthday, but once a week sorry is a bit much.
You seem really resistant to even try to forge a relationship, and I wonder if everyone can sense this as well. Might be why MIL is going through your DH.
I think it's really weird that your MIL is recruiting her son to encourage you to call her more often. Why doesn't she just call you directly? Don't grown-ups manage their own relationships? Involving your husband is like she's tattling on you, like you are doing something wrong and he has to help to correct it.
There comes a point when you can say, "Yes, this is as much as I want to call MIL. If she wants/needs more, I'll make an effort for everyone else's sake. But no, I don't need more contact. And that's okay."
Your DH's follow-up email sounds right out of a play from his mother's play book. "Oh, you'll tttrrryyyyy to call more? Dear, dear, do you waaaannnnnntttt to call more?"
Very manipulative.
You are in for it. You need to sit your DH down and tell him NOT to call you out on what his mother wants. Shut this down or fast or they will gang up on you always when his mommy wants something. Also you married him not his mother. You really don't owe her anything. Good Luck.
See, while I think it's odd she didn't go to the OP originally, rather than through DH, I don't understand not creating relationships within your new family. Yes, you and DH are your own family, but families aren't autonomous bubbles, they're networks. 'Til death do us part is a long, long time, and unless your MIL is 79 and/or sick, she'll be around for awhile. I just can't see why you wouldn't at least want to have pleasant interactions and relations with her.
I am not telling her not to be pleasant, I'm telling her to tell her DH not to throw what mommy wants in her face. The OP doesn't want a buddy/buddy I'll call you everyday relationship with her MIL. It always takes two to make it work but the OP shouldn't have a demand made on her. It's bizarre that her MIL called her son because she wants this fabricated relationship with the OP. I'd be pissed that after DH was told "I'll try" he back with that response.
Totally agree with EastCoast - you did not marry the family and you can't force relationships. And I think your husband was out of line in how he approached this. I don't think it's fair for him to guilt trip you, which is how I see it.
Do I think it's completely out of line to talk to your MIL on occasion (i.e. once or twice a month)? No. But if it makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it. Under no circumstances are you required to.
Tread carefully here. Because I'm in a situation where I'm "the daughter we never had" to my ILs and they are overstepping boundaries. If you give her what she wants and attempt to forge a mother/daughter relationship that YOU don't want or aren't comfortable with, you are in for a world of trouble.
He later sent me this message. I mean he knows I am not a huge talk on the phone person. I talk to my parents because we all work for the same company and send each other messages. However, I do not call them on the phone like that.
I agree with this 100% just as with everyone else saying that marrying a man does NOT mean marrying his family. I've known my MIL for 16 years, we've gone from being strangers to being acquaintances to being related but our relationship has never bloomed into a full-on friendship and that's ok. Gosh there are members of my own family I'm not friends with for crying out loud.
MIL and I get along great but I wouldn't call her to "catch up" or hang out unless that was a genuine desire of mine. I sure wouldn't let her, or whoever else, guilt-trip me into becoming a phony friend just to please her. You're nice and polite and cordial at every occasion, she should be content.