Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Dating and he has a teenage son...
Hi,
I was a single mom...for 10 years before I met and married my exhusband. Well, I am divorced now. My son is 21 years old and out on his own.
I have met and started dating a few months ago a wonderful man that is a single father. He is trying to work, take care of his son, and date me at the sametime. I have tried to reassure him that "I understand that I am dating a care package" Him and his son. That I would never intentionally hurt either one of them. I completely understand his position. Yet, the son was hurt deeply by his bio mother and step mother. So, my BF his creating a barrier between his son and I. Not allowing us to get to know each other, in a natural way.
For example: we were at a backyard BBQ. J, got his dad an alcoholic bevarage. He got me a soft drink. (I don't drink alcohol, because of health reasons.) BF drank it, and told me that he didn't really want it. But drank it anyway. So,when J came back again. He brought another one. I told him that his dad didn't want it. J became upset. Because he thought I was telling him that his dad couldn't drink.
- because wife number 1. J's mom ...she could drink...but J's dad couldn't. She was controlling.
- wife #2. Was an alcoholic!
So, BF tells me a few days later...that J was upset about it. That I had no idea, that I was just relaying to J, what BF had said to me!
Second mishap! BF and calls me while I am in town...friday night....we had been trying to see this one movie..but could never get to the movies on time. So, he texts me...to tell me that we are able to goto the movies and have dinner. I text back "j too?" he said yes, why is that a problem?....No, I just wanted to know what I was going to expect! I had actually baked some cookies for J. I wanted to give them to him! But BF started to make a deal about it!
I would like some advice on how to break these barriers! I respect the relationship that they have together! I have told him that if they need father son time..to let me know! I will understand as well! J, does get moody...He is afterall 14~ He has been moved to a new town..started a new school...dad gets a new job, new girlfriend...that is alot to take in! Plus his sister is thousands of miles away living with his mother! His mother had a baby that is 2 years old that he has ever met! When J and I are alone...we are fine! we have plenty to say to each other! the three of us have a good time as well! J is a very smart kid...taking acelerated classes in school! he is a freshman...taking classes with juniors and seniors! he isn't thinking high school...he is worried about after high school! My son...at that age...could think past lunch!
Re: Dating and he has a teenage son...
I'm not understanding what the "barriers" are.
In situation 1 - your BF accepted a drink from his son that he didn't really want. Then his son brings him another one. Why is this something for YOU to tell J his dad doesn't want?
I find that whole thing an odd situation. Your BF doesn't want it - let HIM tel lhis son. If he can't... that's on him. Has nothing to do w/ you.
Situation 2- what else did BF do/say that made it a "big deal"? Or is just the response of "Yes,is that a problem" the "big deal" to you?
HOnestly- to a degree, it sounds like your BF isn't a good communicator. And/or he's afraid to upset his son. His son- for the fact that he has a sister who lives w/ his mom and he lives w/ his dad - I find it weird when siblings are split up and I REALLY have to question the impact this has on J.
And if there is more to the 2nd situation - then yo uneed to have a deeper talk w your BF.
However, I don't see how either of these situations are barriers. For the fact that he's bringing you around when his son is there.... that's kind of the opposite of a barrier. He's trying to let you two get to know one another on some level.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You guys are right! A huge communication issue going on! Friday was my birthday! He just started a new job with the State. His hours are 1 PM - 9 PM. So, I assumed that Friday, we wouldn't do anything. That we would do something on Saturday. He called me when he got off work on Friday. Mind you I live 25 minutes away. I was having dinner at my house with my son and his girlfriend. My boyfriend asked, so, do you wanna go out for your birthday? I did talk to him about the communication problem then!
STOP ASSUMING!!!