May 2012 Weddings
tking1286
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do you deal with...
Guilt. I am not saying I cheated or anything. This is completely different. So, I went to school for 6 years and got my masters. I mainly had to take out lots of student loans and federal aid just to get my degree. My parents did not make much to help, not that I am blaming them or anything. So paying for school was put solely on my shoulders. Now that I have started to pay back my student loans, I have started to just feel so guilty over having to pay so much per month. Its almost $1000 a month. I even have the income based on, which didn't even change my payments. I am sure I could afford the payments if I lived on ramon noodles and lived in a box but come on. They are almost expecting almost half of my monthly income. I am also worried when my husband and I file our taxes jointly. They will take into account his income and probably make me pay more. I just feel stuck. I have talked to my husband and he just says that he married all of me, which included my loans. I mean thats really nice, but I just have this constant feeling of guilt. We could be buying a house now or he could have bought the car he wanted. I was even considering selling my car just to get rid of the payments so it would be easier on us all together but he refuses to do that and says we will be fine. I guess this is something I am just going to have to deal with, but lately its just been really hard. He even wanted to buy me an anniversary present but I just felt like I didn't deserve anything. I know there probably aren't a whole lot of answers. I guess I just wanted to vent and get an outsiders opinion. Thanks.
Re: How do you deal with...
This probably isn't helpful, but stop feeling guilty. It's not like you lied to your H about your debt, he married you, and then it was like "surprise!" He knew what he was getting into when he married you, and I agree with 100% with what he said. You've graciously offered to give stuff up like your car to help, and he doesn't want you to do it. You've done what you can to lower the payments. It sounds to me like you've done all in your power to make a tough situation better, but all that's left is for you and your H to accept it & move on. It sounds like your H has done this already, now I think it is your turn =] It's not like you racked up $50k in credit card debt buying shoes and purses, either! Sorry for the tough love, but no use crying over spilled milk IMO.
Although I suppose I have to disclose my student loan payments are $1300 and H's are $1600, and that's taking 25 years to pay them off (we pay more every month so shorten the length of the payment...). Student loans suck, and it sucks having to live more frugally because of them....but ONE day, they will be paid off and life will be glorious =]
I'm in your H's situation. My H's student loans are 3.5x what mine are. We're basically living off my income and his income is going towards his student loans (and the few other bills he has).
It's true that if his loans were lower we would be on track to purchase a home sooner, drive nicer vehicles, etc. But if I wanted to marry for money I would have married someone else. I love all of him, even his loans and we'll work together to pay them off.
Sometimes I joke that if I had a time machine I'd go back and kick him for going to a private college and majoring in history, but I can't say that seriously because then we never would have met.
You need to stop feeling guilty. Whenever I get upset that we don't have any money I remember that we have a roof over our head, food in the kitchen and are able to go out every once in a while. That's more than a lot of people, so we're pretty lucky.
i hear you
i am the only one with any debt coming into our marriage. i have a mortgage and my student loans with minimum monthly payments of around $1000 combined. i felt really bad, but my DH said the same as your hubby, he married all of me, my house, my debt and everything. we ended up being able to rent the house out, so that helps some
you shouldn't ever feel guilty about this, i know it's easier said than done, but it's not like you're not a gold digger, you're repaying the loans. you both are doing the best you can, working as a team and that's what a marriage is
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I am in the same spot (actually maybe worse since I don't have a steady job so I can't even pay my loans!), I have student loans when H had no debt coming into the relationship. It frusterates the heck out of me that when we have so much other finantial strains now (finishing the basement costing 15 grand more then expected...property taxes etc) and I am not contributing anything.
H always just reminds me that in the long run (after I go back to school AGAIN to specialize) it will get me a better paying job and one that I love...which will be worth it to him to because he says that he doesnt want to see me in a job I hate just to pay bills either. I feel so lucky for such an understanding H and I agree with the ladies...you can't feel guilty about things you can't change...one day you wont have student loans anymore and who knows, it might be your turn then to be paying most of the expenses while H's salery might be going to a morgage or who knows what.
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