Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Friends
So, my week has taken a turn for the sucky. I'll tell you why.
Yesterday, I received an email from a guy friend I've known for over a decade, declaring that he and his new wife have been seeing some sort of marriage mentor couple, who encouraged them to "re-draw opposite gender friendships." If this sounds like jargon-y BS to you like it did to me, that basically means that they've decided not to have friends of the opposite sex. Or, at the very least, to draw some serious boundaries by directing those friends to the same-sex person in the marriage.
I met said guy friend online. This was back when everyone was still using AOL, so I didn't meet him through an online dating site or anything like that. We met up IRL, and have always had a 100% platonic relationship. We really hit it off, but not on a romantic level. This guy evolved into one of my best friends over the past 11 years.
I guess it might've been a strange friendship, because about 80% of our interaction has been online. It started out 100% online - we used AIM a lot and were friends on MySpace (ha.), Facebook, etc. Then several years ago, I actually worked as his assistant for a while (he's an attorney). It was a way for me to get out of a super stressful job, and a way for him to have someone organize his office and help out with writing work, walk his dog, etc. From there, we started having lunch every so often. Some of the time one or both of us was single, then I got married, then he got married, and we still met up for lunch occasionally, and talked online.
I talked to this guy about lots of things. He was like a BFF or a brother. We talked about trivial things like conspiracy theories and current events, as well as more serious things like our respective relationships, the existence of God, and major life decisions.
Anyway - I say all that to give you a picture of our somewhat normal friendship. Imagine my surprise and annoyance when I got an email saying we could no longer chat online, and if I wanted to meet up for any reason, or invite him to anything, I'd have to go through his wife. Facebook comments are still "allowed," but no instantaneous communication. This may not sound too extreme to some, but I'm basically being told I can't interact with my long-time friend, but as consolation, I'm free to interact with his wife, whom I barely know and don't have much in common with. This may not be totally fair, but they are big into a local megachurch, and I think it's probably responsible for this. So ridiculous.
I'm trying to respect their choice, but I'm mostly angry and hurt. And sad that I'm losing a dear friend. As I've discussed here before, I'm an introvert, and it's not easy for me to put myself out there, make friends, be social, etc. I tend to be the type to have a few really close friends, rather than a lot of acquaintances, so I'm really feeling this as a loss.
Has this happened to anyone else? Have you and your partner agreed not to have friends of the opposite sex? Please explain. This has ruined my week.
" width="250">
Re: Friends
I am not very good at articulating what I mean so...
Essentially, this has come about because of lack of trust. Most likely, from the wife. He will either a. continue to contact you or b. eventually the marriage will go bust (from lack of trust). This kind of crap is not healthy and doesn't usually last.
I wrote back a lengthy reply, saying that if their marriage is built on trust, why wouldn't that extend to each partner's choice of friends, etc. Saying I was hurt, and this would necessarily change our friendship. He basically wrote back saying that's what they'd decided, that he understands H and I don't have the same boundaries they do (I've never thought of having opposite sex friends as some sort of crazy-liberal, no-boundaries policy), but that if I can't deal with the changes, it was nice knowing me.
I'm hoping this is all a phase, and I'm trying not to take it too hard or be too judgey that my friend is being so flippant re: our friendship of 11 years, but it's tough. I know he cares, and I guess this is something he thought a lot about, and thinks is best for his marriage, so I guess I have to respect that. I think it's actually HIM that's enforcing these "rules" because he's tired of having overly emotional talks with his now-wife about things she's discussed with male friends that he thinks were inappropriate. I don't know the details, and I guess I don't really want to.
Do you think it would make any difference if you suggested to him that maybe having clearly stated boundaries about what they agree is and isn't appropriate to discuss with friends of the opposite gender might be more reasonable than the restrictions they have decided to put in place?
I would also feel hurt if I were you. It sucks that you seem to be essentially losing a friend over the fact that you don't have a penis. I hope he comes around to a more reasonable solution to whatever trust/communication issues he is having in his marriage and that your friendship will be able to last it out.
This was exactly my reaction. Hahaha. So dumb.
Re: them setting rules for what's okay to talk about, he claims that it's impossible to list everything that each other finds inappropriate beforehand. So, apparently, they'd rather just wholesale do away with half their friends. Makes sense.
if you have respect and concern for your spouse, you don't put yourself in iffy situations so you don't need to list exactly what's off limits.
The situation sucks for sure, but after your clarifications I'm even more sure you should wait it out. He'll need a friend when his marriage dissolves (the rest of the way).
Yup, yup, and more yup!
The question is...when this happens, will you even want to be his friend?
So basically, the wife here has no common sense, or he trusts her as far as he can throw her, it sounds like.
Maybe he's showing you his true colors now, or maybe he's just desperate. I agree with the others - wait it out and see what happens, and think about how you want to respond if he comes back to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have a dear friend who is also male - we've been friends since we were 14 years old, and man, do we know a lot of history about each other. I'd be terribly sad if he did what your friend seems to be doing to you. I hope he comes to his senses soon.
No and no. I would be very hurt and angry if DH tried to tell me who I can and can't be friends with. One of my very closest friends is a guy---we've known each other since we were in 6th grade, he's the closest thing I have to a brother and we've been through a lot together (we also went to college together). DH has met him but he lives out of state now so we don't get to hang out much anymore, just text/talk on the phone. He was in OK at the end of the summer so he came over and we hung out while DH was at work. One of DH's best friends is a woman he's known since college. Her and I are friends too but DH is closer to her than I am since they have more history. I would never dream of telling him he needs to cut ties with her, that's just ridiculous.
There's another guy friend (R) I had all through school and into college. We've known each other since 3rd grade, were great friends in HS, and became closer friends in college (and never anything more than friends). Our senior year of college R started dating a girl (who's now his wife) who wasn't comfortable with our friendship and told him to break things off with me. He did and I was so incredibly hurt, angry, sad, etc. I couldn't believe that a great friendship of 15 years was ending over a girl and for no reason other than her insecurity. I received a FB message from him a couple years ago----he apologized for being such a jackass and for taking our friendship for granted, among other things. We keep in touch now, but it sucks that a great friendship turned out to be an acquaintanceship.
All that being said, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I agree with Puppy and Wendy---be prepared to wait it out (if you even want to continue the friendship when that time comes).
I had this happen once--a good male friend cut off all ties with any female friends he had. After discussing it with another mutual female friend, we came to the conclusion that our friend probably had a little fidelity problem. Knowing him, it wouldn't surprise me. So as much as I do miss that friend (and DH liked him a lot too... argh), I didn't fight and let that one go. If that was in fact his problem, then he needed to focus on his relationship with his wife and his children.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'd be really upset too--that's an awful way to lose a close friend.
my bookshelf!
Bloggy