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How can I get DD to be nice to DS?
Lanna was a pretty good big sister when Wes was born. Not overly interested, but not jealous or competitive either. He was high maintenance, but she seemed to be more tolerant of him than anyone, especially considering that she spends all of her days with him (even when I'm at work, they're together).
I can't pinpoint when it started, probably around the time he was approaching the 1 year mark and becoming more of a person and less of a blob :P But all of a sudden, she's just mean to him. He's not allowed to touch anything that's hers (and practically everything is), yet she always wants to play with his toys too. She screams at him, grabs things out of his hands, teases him and generally bosses him around. Now she has a friend who comes to play occassionally who doesn't want Wes anywhere around them and it has made Lanna's treatment of him even worse. She doesn't even want him in her room anymore.
In addition, she seems to get along with everybody BUT Wes. She'll happily play with her younger cousin who is only 6 wks older than Wes, the little girl next door who's 2, etc. She even charms bullies, like her older cousin and the annoying 10 yr old who was harrassing all of the little kids at McDonald's last week.
To make matters worse, she seems to enjoy the negative attention she gets from how she treats him. She gets all smirky, like it's a game to her. She has always been so kind to others and so eager to please everyone that it's a really strange twist of her character that she acts this way toward him and I'm at a loss for how to fix it.
I've tried rewarding her for being nice to him, punishing her for being mean to him, reasoning with her... nothing works. It's at the point where it's hard to entertain them when I'm home with them by myself b/c it's just constant fighting and whining. Wes still loves her and if anything he's overly accomodating of her bossiness, but I'm worried that they'll never get along if it continues to progress this way 
Re: How can I get DD to be nice to DS?
I think it's normal (not like that helps). DD when throught a phase like that. We had a neighbor girl who was mean and bossy to little dd and that only egged on the problem. We just had to constantly remind dd that we don't treat anybody like that, especially her little sister. And that just because other people treat her sister badly that doesn't mean that's the right way to act. And the whole how would you feel if somebody wouldn't let you play, took your toy...And time outs for when things got really out of control. Things have gotten much better. I think you'll always have some degree of fighting between siblings. It always breaks my heart when Isabella is mean to her little sister and little sister still worships the ground she walks on.
Do they ever spend time apart? Some times we'll send just one of the kids for an overnight at the grandparents house. The girls do miss each other. Absence makes the heart grown fonder.
I don't know of any magic solution to their conflicts. But I can relate to the attitude L is feeding you. Cause EJ has days with the same look you described. We are trying to enforce the rules, proper behavior and time outs as necessary (which usually include us holding the door shut for the 5 min she is in there screaming and hitting the door.) But once she melts down and realizes we are serious she tends to straighten up. And this is all without sibling rivalry.
As an older sister myself, I was always told I had to share with my sister. Which is probably why I suck at sharing now. hahaha.
hahaha yep yep yep! My little one is like that-her big sister can at times be alittle on the bossy side/not sharing, etc and she still just adores her! I have to say that she gives it back to her alot anymore though! Mandy, I think they will get thru this. I think we all go thru it. We kinda just do the usual discipline things that we have to-timeout, not being able to do this, how would you feel, etc. Have you tried not allowing her to play with that girl if they are going to be mean to him? haha I always say this about my little one but one day Wes is going to show her:) How about their cousin-would she feel bad if the two boys didn't play with her? I know they are too young to do that yet but to make her see? Or like Lala said-send Wes to your sisters and see if Lanna misses him more?
Jake went through a similar awakening phase when he realized that Liam is more than a blob....it was nice that he started to interact with him more, but sometimes he interacted a bit too much. As in, he was treating him like he would his own playmates....so, wanting to play football with him, horseplay, etc... I just have to be consistent in reminding him that while Liam loves to play with him, he's still smaller, etc...
As far as how to curb Lanna's behavior, I know it's hard to do, but could you make sure they get separate play time each day? I know sometimes Jake's attitude or poor behavior can be due to jealousy, even if he never says that (I'm sure they get sick of us saying stuff like, "he's just a little guy, let him see your toy! we need to share, let him take a turn with it!") Sometimes I find splitting them up for a bit (even if they're in the same room, but doing different activities) helps out.
Jake - 1.15.08
Liam - 5.17.11
Ugh, Wes is the same way. I'll get mad at Lanna for being mean to him and as I'm yelling at her he's hugging her! It breaks my heart! I always tell her that if someone had treated her the way she treats Wes when she was a baby I would have never stood for it.
She does go to school three mornings a week, and occassionally for a solo sleepover at grandma's. I know Wes misses her, but I don't think the feeling is mutual.
I always stress the Golden Rule and try to get her to see how she'd feel if someone treated her badly. We were brought up to be big Golden Rule followers in our family, but she doesn't seem to grasp it yet!
At least I know I'm not alone. Sometimes her behavior just throws me and I wonder if it's normal or if she's on a bad path. This is where my inexperience with kids hurts me. Our pedi commented at the end of her visit last week that 4 and 5yos are his favorite and I almost fell out of my chair. Wes is at my absolute favorite age, but 4-5 just baffles me!