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Mother unleashed the crazy - vent (a novel)
Overall I think I'm dealing with this pretty well given my history with my mother, but I just felt the need to get it off of my chest, I guess. The reasonable anonymity of the nest can be somewhat comforting in a way.
Cripes, I probably do need some kind of therapy.
Anyway, my mother and step father spent a week at our house (just last week) after their med cruise with their friends. Their friends stayed at a hotel downtown while they stayed with us.
Every time she comes she is more excited about seeing London than she is about seeing us, and we constantly feel as though her spending time with us is taking away from her time in the city doing glorious touristy things. It's annoying and it was a source of a lot of hurt for us before (ie: she insisted on being here for the birth of her first grandchildren, but was on a Thames river cruise during my scheduled C-section and showed up at the hospital 20 minutes before visiting hours ended)
Anyway, the trip was going very smoothly, we didn't put any pressure on them to spend time with us, accepted that they would spend an hour or two with us and the kids each morning and then be out with their friends the rest of the time. Fine, whatever, right?
But on the second to last day, right when we were least expecting it (as things had been going so well), she unleashed the crazy in full force.
She was reading the news my Ipad. I asked what she was reading (I shouldn't have. I should have just enjoyed the peace and silence. I'm a dumbshit.) She explained that it was an article about JK Rowling upsetting the press, and then went into detail about how JK Rowling is being too demanding and is completely out of line in how she is treating the press. Step father (who is lovely, but she is awful to him a lot of the time - no respect for him, even though he is the CFO of a major company and she stays at home, she treats him like an idiot), makes a comment about her demands sounding reasonable and that confidentiality clauses are very common place in contracts.
You'd think that this would either A: spark a normal, interesting conversation or B: end with a "meh" and move on. You'd be really fecking wrong.
She starts getting right upset, because the editor of the globe and mail says this and who are you to think otherwise? DH jumps in to defend Step Father, saying that well, a lot of celebrities have confidentiality clauses in their contracts for publicity, this is common place, etc. She is now livid and is yelling at the three of us (because I foolishly agreed) that authors are different and that in the literary world this is just not done (she is neither an author nor in this industry. She's not even a big reader). I point out that we all have different opinions and that's fine, I think that the article is possibly an interesting talking point and not intended to be definitive, as that's what editorials are, no?
Wrong. Game over, just light yourself on fire at this point.
My step father starts going on (the three of us are talking about this calmly and rationally. She's losing her shiznit) about appearance contracts and fees, etc. and how JK Rowling is in the position to request whatever she wants, whatever. She loses it completely and screams at him "what part of this are you not getting!?" and storms off upstairs with the Ipad.
Somehow, none of us realize quite how upset she is at this point, and step father goes upstairs to settle things down when we hear her scream "Get out I don't want to look at you!" and other horrible things and slams the doors upstairs.
This is going on in our house. Our kids are right there. We're meant to all be going out in about an hour. DH and I were looking at each other with our mouths open, no idea what to do.
Step Father comes down unfazed, he's used to this. I'm not, not any more, and not in my house in front of my kids. We wait 20 minutes and DH pushes me up the stairs to go talk to her and find out what the plan for the day is. I knock on the door and she came at me getting right in my face with so much rage, screaming at me that how dare the 3 of us sit there and ATTACK her like that! Who are we compared to the editor of the Globe and Mail? We didn't even read the article, how can we have an opinion on it? We don't even know what we are talking about we attacked her with such venom and disrespect. She then screams that she is going out to spend the day by herself doing what SHE wants to do and she'll just see us later. I said to her (again, novice move) "I really don't understand why you are so upset with us, we were just sharing our opinions on an article, it's not a big deal mum" to which she lost her brain again and went off at me about how we can't have an opinion on it because we don't know anything about it. So I said "fine, whatever mum, have a good day", turned around and left.
Now, this is a really, really big step for me. I've never stood up to her, I've never walked away from her and I've basically never done anything but grovel for her forgiveness and love. Feck it, I'm done with that crap. Finally.
Step Father goes back up because he and DH could hear her screaming at me and the two of them get into an epic screaming fight (well, her screaming at him and him standing there taking it and trying to calm her down). DH and I are now downstairs with the kids trying to distract them from the fight upstairs. We felt so awkward in our own home that we felt we couldn't go upstairs to use the washroom, even. So we left. Our own house. We even took the dog.
An hour later I get a text from her asking if we want to go to a museum. We come home and everyone just pretends it didn't happen. No apology from her, nothing. It wasn't even addressed. We seriously went on with our day like it didn't happen.
George Burns had it right: Happiness is having a large, loving, close knit family in another city.
If you made it this far you deserve some kind of a medal. Sorry for the length, just needed to get it off my chest. Before, any altercation with her would have had me riddled with stress and anxiety. Now, I'm more pissed off that she did that in my home in front of my kids.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
Re: Mother unleashed the crazy - vent (a novel)
This is not a snark. And I know how hard it is to disengage from family. But why did you go back when SHE called you and, more importantly, why didnt you deal with the incident when you got back?
Honestly, my most hated Family Matter issue is BSC family that get away with it because "that is the way they are". They are that way because everyone allows them to be.
My DH and I took an emotional SS in full time. His response to ANYTHING is to throw screaming, crying, throwing things around the house, temper tantrum. He did this when he arrived at 12 and now at 17 STILL does it.
WHY, because DH wont actively stop the cycle, he wants to work through them (like your StepFather and you tried). So not only do we still have a three yo in a 17 yos body, because that is just "how he reacts and we need to adjust OUR ways of dealing with him until he gets it" but we are getting a 3 yo in a 3yos body who does the same thing.
It took our 3yo DD to storm off and yell the exact same phrase SS does when he gets caught for DH to wake his ass up. It also took that moment to wake ME up.
See I had a CTJ talk wtih DH that SS was never to throw a TT at me or DD again. If he did , we would leave. But the influence of those TTs around DD is enough.
Now I just need to start getting my financial ducks in a row. Because I dont see DH doing enough with SS. I wont allow the cycle to continue.
No snark taken, I can certainly see your point.
Yes, she behaves this way because people let her get away with it and as an outsider looking in it would seem so obvious. But to me even walking away from her was a massive step in not letting her stomp all over me. Every time before this I would have literally sat there in panic wondering what it is I did wrong, was I really attacking her with my opinion? Was I being aggressive? What did I do to hurt her so badly? and then would have done anything to get back into her good graces. This time, for once, I sat back and said whoaaaaaa. That's just crazy, and you can't reason with crazy. Ho.Ly.Crap.
And then for the very first time I was angry. Not hurt or scared, angry.
In an odd way, it was nice.
They are that way because everyone allows them to be. Very true, but what is the alternative? Her husband allows it because the alternative is divorce. I allow it because the alternative is estrangement. It's only extremes with her. So since I only see her once or twice per year is it worth putting up with her crazy and hurtfulness, but in a much healthier manner now (or, learning to), than to cut off all contact with her at all? The rest of their trip was just fine, in part because DH and I learned to manage our expectations of them, which is okay. Is she bipolar, or does she just not manage her emotions well?
What do you do when someone (like your SS) is in a rage like that? You can't reason with them, you can't calm them down and you can't sit there and take it. Even after the storm, if we were to address it the whole thing would just blow up again.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This, sounds like it would be healthier for everyone to just do day trip stuff with them when they are in town.
I do have a question though, if you all know she responds to things overdramatically as you mentioned theres a past with her responding as such. Why did you express your opinions in the first place? She was right in that, if you didn't read the article, why not just say "well mom. thats an interesting opinion" and not get into the debate in the first place? I know it seems petty to us, but with someone who is so bent on being right all the time, the easier way out is usually to agree with them or shut up and not give them reason to see us as 'taking the other side'.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
I have an uncle who always has to be right and he is always trying to start some kind of fight. After a while, we figured out that all he wanted was attention. So we stopped engaging him when he says crazy things. When he realizes that nobody is going to take the bait, he will sulk in the corner and we can go on having a good time. Sometimes it is better not to engage.
I also agree that it is probably time to have them get a hotel when they come to visit.
I can give you the advice that I always get with my Mother issues. Stop letting her get away with the crazy BS. I know it is easier said then done, but I have started saying to her "I will not continue this conversation or future conversations until you change your attitude." What really has helped though is that my sister told my Mother that if she keeps treating me the way she does she will have no relationship with my future children or my sisters children.
It was a bad threat but it snapped her out of her funk for a little...
TTC 19 months ~Started RE in March 2014~
DH was not ready for IUI so we waited
~Started acupuncture in May 2014~
~~BFP 7/6/14~~~EDD 3/14/15~~It's a girl!!~~
Good for you tofu, for breaking some bad habits. You took a step in a new direction, and YOU feel better then you have in situations past.
Keep moving in this direction. Eventually try to get to a point where you simply do not engage. And while anger/detachment might be better than guilt, you should work to get to a point of feeling nothing (other than "Well, that's my Mom, and yes, she's f*cking nuts.)
Granted you don't see her too often, but next time, really try to completely disengage. Don't let your ego or your pride get in the way (i.e. don't take an opposing view point if you know sh!t will hit the fan, especially if it's simply to prove a point). If you find yourself getting frustrated, remove yourself from the situation.
And finally, this is up to you but I don't think you would be out of line in telling her that her display will not be tolerated in your home going forward, and that you do not want to expose your children, her grandchildren, to yelling and fighting. But, babysteps are ok too.
Good luck going forward!
Even though I believe she is mentally ill, it still would not be enough of an excuse to allow her around my children. You had an epiphany and I think it is the beginning of steps to protect your children and yourself from her madness. She is toxic and you should feel no guilt in not allowing her in your life until she gets helps and proves she is manageable.
If and when there is a next visit make sure she understands you will not be accommodating her and to make hotel arrangements. You then won't need to feel you have to escape from your own home.
I'm glad you had this breakthrough, keep it up!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Part of it was feeling the need to defend my step father. I have so much respect for him and it's difficult to see her always treat him as though he is an idiot.
Another part of it was being tired of not being able to have an opinion on anything around her because my opinion is constantly wrong.
It's everything. I like Italian food, I'm wrong. It's disgusting and cheap. And full of carbs. And covered in sauce and calories. Why would I eat that?
I get up in the morning and make the kids breakfast before doing much else. I'm wrong. I'm encouraging them to wake up ravenous and building poor food habits. They're not hungry, they are going to have weight problems.
She glorifies an article about a guy that lost 17 pounds in 21 days by not eating bread, pasta, rice or legumes. I joked that a vegetarian would die without eating any legumes. I'm wrong, people don't actually eat that much meat and vegetarians are fine just eating vegetables.
FFS. You can't have a conversation with her. You just can't. Everything becomes about her and her opinion and nothing else matters.
DH shared a sweet story about how on Boxing Day his dad used to wait in line at Future Shop in the early morning while he and his brother slept in the car. Her response? Oh, I'd NEVER do that! Why would anyone do that? That's just nuts! Nobody freaking asked you if YOU would do it, they were just sharing a story! FFS!
So yes, it would be easier (and probably wiser) to just nod and be a brainless knob in her presence, but that wears thin too.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Yes, she's going through menopause. I'd love to blame it on the menopause. But it used to be even worse. Believe it or not, this is an improvement on how things usually are between us.
She left when I was a baby, then my dad dropped me off to live with her out of the blue when I was 11. She kicked me out at 16.
You'd think that having only lived with her for 5 years wouldn't have been enough time for me to be so royally screwed in the head, but apparently 5 years was plenty!
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I agree w/ Illumine. I remember your backstory and honestly I have to say that your mother acts like this because you let her. I think you need to be realistic about who your mother is versus who you want her to be. Once you are able to recognize that she's just not the mother you want (which is really a tragic loss), then I think you can move forward and accept her for who she is and what she does bring to the table.
I think in moments where she should be confronted, you need to do it instead of sweeping it under the rug and expecting her to act X way in the future. She has a history of acting like Y, you treat her like Y and she continues to do Y over and over again. Step up and say something already. What's the worst that could happen? She gets upset? She says something hurtful? Maybe she'd actually respect you more if you showed some backbone instead of letting her get away with this crazy behavior.