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Am I over reacting?
My husband and I have just recently got married (4 months) and it's our first time living together. I wind up doing about 90% of ALL the house work and the 10% he does is the result of me begging him and constantly reminding him. I know this is typical of a lot of marriage but it's gotten ridiculous. I pay all the bills, I buy his clothes (he's been going to work in dirty pants because he doesn't buy multiple pairs, I get the cars fixed, and I can't even trust him to put food away. I feel like a mom and less like a wife.
I've brought this up plenty of time but nothing changes. And he gets VERY defensive and says I'm criticizing him when I bring up how it hurts me and how I feel taken for granted. What should I do? What have other wives done?
Re: Am I over reacting?
Do you point out that you ARE criticising him? or do you back down and get all, "I'm sorry honey, i don't meant to criticise you" because it's ok to be critical when someone is being lazy, and behaving like a child.
my husband was pretty slack at housework, and I told him in no uncertain terms how deeply unsexy I found him when he treated me like his Mother. he might have been all butt-hurt, but really he didn't argue because he didn't have a leg to stand on.
It did take a while for some attitudes and habits to change, but we found our own balance and approach to maintaining our home.
There is no right or wrong to division of labour, but you do need to sit down and come up with what works for the both of you. Have you asked your husband what he thinks is a reasonable way to approach housework? does he think he should do an equal share but then just doesn't, or does he think you should be doing it all?
good luck. It can be hard to work through, but really if you've married an adult who is a reasonable, kind of a person, you should be able to find a solution that suits you both.
For the first couple of years H and I lived together he was working 60+ hour weeks while I only worked the regular 40 hours, so I did nearly all of the housework, errands, and bill paying. When the tides changed, I tried being subtle, asking nicely, or hinting that work needed to be done for the sake of avoiding arguments. It didn't work.
What did work: I sat him down and we had a real conversation about how we were now both working the same amount of hours, but I was also taking classes full time and I did not have the energy to continue doing everything. I had my turn, and now it was his turn to step up. He needs lists or he will not remember things, so we made lists of the housework, errands, and bills, then decided who would do them and when.
This was about six months ago, and we have found a really positive system so that neither of us feels overwhelmed or unheard, and the chores get done.
Stop treating him like you're his mom and maybe then he will start taking care of himself. Although you should have married a man who showed signs that he could take care of him prior to deciding that you wanted to marry him?
Have you spoken to him about this?
He is not a normal functioning adult.
Sorry but you had to know this before you got married.
And why DID you marry him?
Something is wrong with him -- and he is not just a slob. His chronological age is 8 or 9 years of age; what??? he doesn't even buy his own clothes???
Seriously: has he got some sort of learning disability or some other problem?
That said:
YOU pay all the bills?
Stop right there.
This guy also has another problem: his character.
No man lets his wife foot the bill for the entire household -- is he working? if he is, this is a character problem.
The scoop:
Why are you paying for everything??? Whose name is on the deed of the home? Who bought the house --- you?
No doubt there was no talk about money before you 2 got married, and no discussion about how your money and his money will be saved and spent, no discussion about saving money for your joint retirement, no discussion about what you and he need to invest in. Very sad.
And no discussion about how housework, cooking, yardwork, what needs to be done around the house is a 50 50 deal and no questions asked.
YOu and he talked about nothing much. That's very evident.
And you also couldn't see that this guy was not husband material.
As of right now:
Stop doing what you are doing and tomorrow, sit this guy down for a nice long chat.
Let him know that you no longer will foot the financial bill for the whole household --- and that your money and his, as of right now, becomes OUR MONEY.
Your money and his money became OUR money 4 months ago when you got married. He needs to get the newsbreak on that one right now.
Both your paychecks need to go into one joint checking account and from there, you and he will pay for house hold expenses, utilities, property tax, and everything else that needs to be paid for. And that the rest of the money after paying for what needs to be paid for will go into a savings account for future needs.
And what kind of a normal adult can't do a simple thing like go to a store and buy pants??? And even if he has only one pair of pants, wow --- you throw those int he wash, generally after 3 or 4 wearings! he can't even do that???
Support of a wife and the care of a wife is NUMBER ONE.
If he gets "defensive" about your strong suggestion your money and his becomes our money and he refuses?
ANNUL this "marriage."
Forget his ass IMMEDIATELY.
He is to support you and that's that. You did not get married to essentially remain a single person -- you are also this guy's caretaker. You are not his wife. Not by a long shot.
This isn't even a marriage dynamic. If a full grown adult cannot put food away and if a full grown adult cannot get to a store and do a simple thing like buy some clothes, something is wrong with that person.
I don't see much hope here. You did not marry a full grown normal adult man; something is wrong with him.
Where did you get this prize? That is what I would like to know -- he's good for nothing much at all. Can't even put food away? Wow.
I am dying to know how old the both of you are. No matter what this guy's age is, there's something wrong with him.
You can talk to him all you want but he will not change.
What you will be: a single person in a contract of marriage.
You will be paying all the bills alone, fixing up the house alone, cleaning the house alone, being in charge of the autos alone, footing the bill for all other issues alone, doing the laundry alnoe and doing everything else alone. While this guy takes up space. This isn't a husband.
And what you have there is not a marriage. This is some sort of caretakership that's going on.
He will not change. I guarantee you that. He's got some sort of a problem.
And I still want to know why you only saw all of this now -- I am guessing he was living at home and his mother was doing it all for him -- and you thought everything was copecetic and ship shape and that this was real husband material.
Well, now ya know the real scoop.
And the big question now is: what do you plan on doing about it?
He does understand that you need to work together as a team right? It should be 50|50. At least that's how my FI and I handle thing. He works a minimum 50 hours a week, and I work about 45-55 but commute about 3 hours a day. So we try to split up what we have to do at home based on our schedules. Since he's swing shift and I work so far from home one week I barely see him so he'll make dinner before he leaves and I get home. Likewise with the laundry, he'll throw a load in for me if he knows I'll be home later, that way when I get home I can flip to the dryer and...
So we work it out. Now this is all coming from a man who lived at home until 7 months ago when we bought our house. He had the golden life with his parents, mom did everything for him. Not that he requested her to do so, she just did. But I told him before we moved in that it's got to be 50|50 because it's too much to work full time and come home to be a housewife as well, esp while I was finishing my Masters degree.
Anyways...your husband doesn't seem to get that you are not his mother. He needs to get up and realize before it's too late. I would seriously just stop doing everything and see what happens. Because then he'll realize how much you do and how little he does to help out.
I'm unclear-when you say you pay all the bills, do you mean you pay them out of "your" money, meaning the money you earn from your job, or just that you are always the one who has to physically write the check to make sure they get paid from your (meaning both of your) money? Because the first one is a much much bigger problem than the latter.
I'm also concerned that he gets so defensive when you talk about this. Did the two of you, when you first talked about this, divide anything up? Did he ever do this, or has he just started slacking off gradually and you picked up the slack? There really is no excuse for him not doing anything around the house, even if it may be "new" to him.
I'm unclear-when you say you pay all the bills, do you mean you pay them out of "your" money, meaning the money you earn from your job, or just that you are always the one who has to physically write the check to make sure they get paid from your (meaning both of your) money? Because the first one is a much much bigger problem than the latter.
I am getting the direct impression that the OP is paying for everything with her earnings.
And you're very right when you say that that's a much larger issue and a much more serious one than the rest of what is going on.
I still am trying to figure out how a full grown man is so juvenile and so helpless, for lack of a more exact label to put on it. Something is very wrong here: what kind of full grown adult can't go buy a dang pair of pants??? A 11 year old kid can do that! How come he can't???
I'm also concerned that he gets so defensive when you talk about this. Did the two of you, when you first talked about this, divide anything up? Did he ever do this, or has he just started slacking off gradually and you picked up the slack? There really is no excuse for him not doing anything around the house, even if it may be "new" to him.
The OP and her H discussed nothing prior to marriage. I guarantee you that --- or if they did, wow -- he did not uphold what he promised to her and that's a very bad offense. Again, this is all a character issue.
Gets offensive??? Sonny, this is LIFE and this is marriage: this is a whole new ball game. You don't sit on your tail while the wife does everything. If he wants that, let him go back to his parents.
I am dead on serious: if you sit this guy down and tell him that there's a new deal as far as OUR MONEY is concerned and he flat out refuses or gives you sh!t, rethink this guy: Annul this sham of a marriage. As I said, no man who is a man refuses to support his wife and marriage -- and I'm serious when I say there has to be an organic problem with her H in the first place. He's got a learning disability or some other sort of emotional disorder. Even the biggest of slobs doesn't let food stay out and rot and go bad repeatedly! And even the laziest of lumps can find a store and buy clothes.
And showing up to work in filthy clothes? Ugh -- unsanitary and his boss has every right to discipline him for that; there are dress codes and ugh who with any sense comes to work in dirty clothes?
sounds like some pre-marital counselling is in order....even though you are married. Appently nothing about division of labour, how to deal with finances, or family or orgain or even how to communicate was every discussed and would have saved a thousand fights had you both known the expectations of eachother before running off and getting married.
I honestly suggest you try and find someone who will do some postmarraige-premartial counselling, because I feel at this point if you to try and do it/bring these things up on your own, you will just look like a bigger nag. Clearly you had different expectations going into this relationship and having a third party help you voice those to eachother in a non fighting way will at the very least improve your communication about big ticket items.
My Blog:Through My Eyes
My husband and I had a similar issue when we first moved in together (before we were married - untraditional I know but we wanted to know whether or not it would work before we made it official). What we did was work out a plan. I do the dishes (load the dishwasher, wash what doesn't fit, etc.) but my husband will generally lend a hand drying and putting away (if I'm doing them when he's home). With laundry, I am very picky about the way laundry is done, but he will help me fold laundry if he is home. I am the one who does the cleaning (again I have a set way of doing it). These were all my choices though. To make it fair, he does all the outside work (mows the lawn, keeps our cars up to date on oil changes, checks transmission fluid, etc., snow blows the driveway in the winter, etc.).. I will go out and help him by picking up sticks/big rocks before he mows, shoveling out our step so he doesn't hit it with the snow blower, etc. Also we share cooking responsibilities
As far as grocery shopping, we both shop equally (although I do it alone sometimes), and he hauls the groceries in the house while I am putting them away (to try and equal it out).
I do feel you on the shopping for his clothes thing. My husband has had me help him pick out pants for the entirety of our relationship (even when we were dating). It isn't that he can't pick them out, but that he prefers to have my opinion on what they look like. Also on the paying bills thing, we use a joint account to pay them. However even with the joint account, he pays his cell while I pay mine, he pays the energy bill while I pay the rest of the utilities, and he manages all the general credit card bills while I manage the store specific cards, he pays the mortgage payment, and the insurance payments for our cars and home.
We have had some spats about division of chores when one of us felt it was unequal, and we generally are able to pick out the issue and put a new plan to work. Could you and your husband sit down with a list of the household chores and make sure they are divided equally? That would be the best thing in your case I believe.
Also, during our premarital counseling the pastor/counselor suggested this as a problem solving device:
1) Identify the problem
2) Set a time/place to talk about the problem (set a specific time)
3) Identify 3-5 possible solutions to said problem, pick one of the solutions that works for both of you
4) Try your solution for 1 week, then revisit the original problem
5) If the solution didn't work, repeat steps 2-4 as needed. If the solution worked, FANTASTIC keep doing it!
I reworded the steps a little, my husband and I used this device and it has worked for us.
He's defensive because he's immature and doesn't want to deal with you calling him out. Stand your ground. I like what PP said about you saying in no uncertain terms that you find his laziness unattractive.
If all else fails, cancel cable and the internet. Tell him that you didn't see the point in continuing to pay this bill when you never get to enjoy it because you're busy doing EVERYTHING. Plus, I imagine that when he's being a bum and not helping out, he's engrossed in something electronic, right? So take away all his distractions until all the housework is getting accomplished.
Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
I don't think this guy lived on his own. Because if the OP is finding this guy to be hopeless, helpless and just plain neglectful, he was like this no matter where he was living.
I am guessing he was home with parents. If he is a rather young guy in his early twenties, that in itself is not a bad thing. But I will bet you his mother was in complete denial about her son's ability to fend for himself. She did it all for him and turned a blind eye and ear to what was really happening with her son.
No amout of counseling is going to get him to shop for his own clothes and in general behave on a level that is age-appropriate. Say what? he can't take care of himself??? As I said this is not normal.
I don't know what the OP can do about that. And like I said, if she is footing the bills with her own money and she gives this guy a fireside chat telling him he has to ante up and he refuses, bad bad news. I would call that a dealbreaker and get the marriage annuled.
His object and his goal and his mission is to support his wife and make sure her needs are met in all areas of their couplehood. And that sure as all heck includes financially.
You are not over-reacting. As far as other wives, I probably wouldn't have married this guy to be honest.
I am not sure on the money situation. Are you paying for everything? Or do you mean you just write out the checks?
I do not buy DH's clothes. If he goes to work in dirty clothes I will tell him that he needs to buy new clothes and tell him that it is hurting his career. If he doesn't care that it hurts his career, then I would have a come to Jesus talk with him.
We now have chores. DH does everything outside and laundry. When one cooks the other does the dishes. I do the majority of the cleaning inside (vacuuming, bathrooms, etc.). DH does the fix it projects. We both grocery shop, or if one of us goes the other puts the food away. I don't understand how someone won't put food away.
Actually he lived on his own for years without any help and he was very self-reliant. This all came out of the blue! I've told him this and it just makes him madder :