Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DH telling ILs EVERYTHING- rant (long)
As soon as the cat problem was resolved, another one popped up...
DH and I are about to buy a house. We put an offer on one on Monday, and last night our realtor (who is also a close friend) called and asked if he could talk to DH. I gave him the phone and went to the bathroom. I was in there for 5 minutes, TOPS. When I get out, DH is still on the phone. I assumed it was still with our realtor, but after listening to the conversation for a couple of minutes I realized he was talking to his dad. From the conversation I inferred that the homeowner accepted the offer, and now we just need to wait on the bank to accept(it's a short sale). He talked on the phone with his dad for maybe 20-30 minutes. When he got off the phone with his dad, he called another friend to ask if he could inspect the house for us (because he's an inspector) this Saturday when we and ILs go look at it.
First of all- I haven't even been able to see the house IRL yet! I was supposed to go with DH and realtor last week, and then my sister got really sick, so I visited her in the hospital instead of going. DH showed me the pics afterwards and the house is really beautiful, in a good area, and in our budget, so that's why we decided to offer before I could actually GO look at it.. So now I will be seeing it at the same time as ILs.. it just makes me kind of bummed that I don't get to see it before they do. Like they are stealing my thunder or something.. idk.. Maybe I am over-reacting about that.
Secondly- DH told his parents that the homeowner accepted the offer before he told ME! I was like "What the heck!? You couldn't have told me first???" And his reply was "You were in the bathroom.." Seriously? You could have waited 5 minutes- or yelled through the door at the very least!
Third- DH keeps telling them every.single.intimate detail about the house. How much it costs, how much we offered, the stipulations of the offer, the interest rate of our loan, what our monthly payment will most likely be, what we are going to spend on renovations, etc. Like- EVERYTHING. I just don't feel like it's their business. I told him that and he pointed out that they both used to work in real estate, and that FIL is now a home loan supervisor at a large bank, and DH is telling them because they are smart about this. Which I understand, but I still feel like they don't really need to know that. I mean, they don't need to know every tiny detail of what we are planning to do. Because everytime we mention spending money around ILs they get bent out of shape that we are spending too much, or not making a good investment, or something like that, which annoys DH. So it's like he's asking to get annoyed at them right now over this house!
UGH- rant over. We still have 90, well, 89 days before we know if the bank will accept our offer...
Re: DH telling ILs EVERYTHING- rant (long)
WHOA WHOA WHOA
You need the house...
Talk with you H, he needs to call his parents and tell them "I got to thinking and I want witness to have her first look at it before bringing along others so let's hold off Saturday and I'll let you know when I can another date scheduled for you guys to see it as well.
OR call the realtor/friend and see if even Friday night you can just see it quickly.
Remind him that your're partners, in marriage and soon in home owning...so he needs to include you first and others second.
DH and I are about to close on our first house. During this whole process we both kept both sets of our parents in the loop on practically everything because our parents have experienced all of this before. We both wanted their input.
That being said, it's what we BOTH wanted. If you don't feel comfortable with in-laws knowing your business, then just calmly talk with DH about this. Tell him that you would like him to run information by you before he says anything to in-laws. That way you know the info before they do and you can ask DH not to tell in-laws if you feel they shouldn't be informed.
As far as them seeing the house at the same time as you, I agree with PP. Talk with the realtor and explain to them that it's important for you to see the house prior to the date already set up. If the realtor is unable to set up an additional earlier date, then get DH to tell in-laws that they will get to see the house at another later date.
Regardless of what type of experience your inlaws have, your husband does not need to be sharing private financial information. Yes, you are entitled to your privacy.
Look, if I were you I'd tell DH that since you hadn't seen the house yet, you wanted to see it with just DH and home inspector. That either he could call his parents and let them know or that YOU would do it and wouldn't be so polite about it.
Put your foot down hard and don't get sucked into passive aggressive manipulative arguments. He doesn't need to dismiss you or convince you. Don't fall for that. Just put your foot down. Also put your foot down about the financial talk.
Agreed. My knee-jerk response to this was that you were overreacting (chalking it up to the circumstances - like you being in the bathroom, his parents expertise in real estate, etc), BUT everyone is different. And everyone's comfort levels are different.
My recommendation is to calmly explain your discomfort with sharing personal information with your ILs and your disappointment in not being the "first to know." He owes you that much. Basically, if it makes you uneasy in any way, he should accomodate you and respect your wishes.
Good luck.
I second all of this.
Since it is you and your DH buying the house....not your DH and his parents just tell him you want to see the house BEFORE the in-laws. period. No discussion.
Unless in-laws are putting in $ they dont get to see it before (or at the same time as) you.
They actually told us yesterday they have been saving to help us with some small renovations- which we were totally not expecting but are hugely grateful for!!
Thanks all for your suggestions. DH and I talked about it last night. I said that my feelings were hurt that he couldn't wait just a couple minutes for me to get out of the bathroom before telling his parents and that it sort of "ruined the moment" for me. I also said that I didn't appreciate him telling them so many details... and that we are partners in this, but he is not treating me like one. He apologized a lot and said he just got ahead of himself with the excitement, which I understand happens sometimes. We called our realtor and unfortunately won't be able to see the house until Saturday because of the homeowner's schedule. DH said he could tell ILs not to come, but then MIL texted me and was so excited that I figured it wouldn't really hurt anything to all go together. At least we will have more people there to get a nice look at everything, even the small stuff, which MIL is good at noticing.
Thanks again.
I know you are excited and everything about receiving this money but you two need to think very carefully about accepting it.
That's just my advice.
Why is that? It is essentially a housewarming gift.. When they found out we were going to look into some renovations, they offered to use that money to help us out.
Because every single person here can see that your DH is going to consult them for all of it before and preferentially over consulting you.
It's not that he told them first per se that bothers me - it's that his instinctive reaction is to make the decisions for both of you with his parents, rather than make decisions with you. This is unlikely to be the last you'll see of this issue.
This, this, this, this, this. You already gave in on the MIL, not
a good precedent to set. She can still be excited a few days later.
The information he gave them isn't exactly private information. The purchase price of your home can be found on the internet, in the newspaper (at least where I'm from), or by checking town records. If they really get good at internet searches, they can even find out the terms of your mortgage (to an extent).
As far as the in laws getting info before you - that would piss me off.
As someone who just went through a similar situation, I can sympathize with OP.
Because my inlaws are retired finance people, they then think that it gives them the right to involve themselves in any major financial decision my H & I make - including our recent home purchase. Oh yea, I should also mention that because they've bought and sold 'many houses', as my MIL reminds us repeatedly, they also feel this makes them experts and for that reason alone, they should be involved in the whole process. Nevermind the fact that I did lots and lots of research, asked the few friends I know who work in the industry to get advice and make sure we were covering all of our bases during the entire process, hired a lawyer, got advice from my own parents, and had our people there helping us every step of the way. None of that mattered to my IL's. So much went down when we were looking and then buying our house, and it ended with my FIL inviting himself to the closing and turning it into a 3 ring circus. What should have been a happy day for my H & I was practically ruined by my FIL and his very rude, out of control behavior. Thank god I had enough sense to warn the realtor beforehand that he was coming. I totally did not want him there, but my H insisted he come to make sure we were 'protected'. Nevermind the fact that we hired a lawyer to do that
In the end, my H told him to knock it off and I turned my back on my FIL at the closing and kept signing away on all of the paperwork....and just let him keep ranting and ignored him. He made himself look like the crazy person.
So yea, my IL's mean well and all, and would never do anything malicious or mean to hurt us, but they are a bit ridiculous sometimes. I just chalk it up to them being old. And I think my H learned his lesson after what happened at the closing that there are things that WE do as a couple without their involvement. (at least I hope he did)
I'm actually ok with sharing information with family, BUT, within reason, and also as long as they know that no matter what, in the end, my H & I call the shots. My parents know this and respect it, my H's parents, not so much.
So, are his parents going to make the payments? Mow the yard? do repairs? clean the house? all the other duties required as a homeowner? IF not, then I suggest you be a little more aggressive with your husband...Tell him that your not signing any loan docs....IF HE lets his parents see the house before you!
Because you and your income won't be involved in the closing of the loan if he proceeds with way he is purchasing a MAJOR PURCHASE with out YOU!!!!
You allow him to get away wiith this...your setting the page for other major purchases as well! for instance a car, a second home or timeshare! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!! Otherwise, he can live in that house with his parents!
I don't know your ILs but do they give gifts with strings? You don't seem to have much backbone about hurting their feelings about intruding on looking at the house, so I would worry the money would mean they felt entitled to how it was spent. What if she hates the flooring you like?
Ask the realtor to meet you at the house at least 30 minutes before they show up. Do not drive with them there. You need to be able to discuss how you see this home without worrying or being influenced by someone's opinion. After you had a chance to look and discuss with your DH then you can ask them what they think. You will let them cloud your thinking if they are babbling like authorities on a house YOU will be living in and not them.
Would your DH have been okay with you calling your folks and discussing your sex life? After all, I would imagine they have some experience in those matters.
Historically, the bride's parents and the groom's parents helped "the kids" buy cars, houses, have children, raise children, and other life events.
But now everyone wants to cut their parents out of their lives the second the wedding reception is paid for.
That seems short-sighted, esp when your DH's parents already know all about houses and financing and everything. Too many people, esp young people, are screwed when buying a house or a car. You could appreciate the help instead.
Yeah, you're right. Money never comes with strings attached. Especially when it comes from ILs who are clearly the second wheels in your three-wheeled marriage.
Yes, historically people have had to wait for their parents to die before being able to live their own lives and have any autonomy or privacy. Historically, people also bathed once a week or less, and sent their kids to work in the mills. There's a reason people don't do things this way any more.
Frankly, Kristin, I'm surprised that, with your disdain for progress, you're on the internet at all.
Easy, gifts like these can be tricky things. It's even trickier because her spouse seemed to not know the appropriate boundaries to keep with his parents.
There should really be no reason for her to have that "talk" with him because he automatically should have talked to her first about these big topics. These aren't small details that an average person might accidentally slip up and talk about before they do their spouse. These were pretty big topics and decisions that discussed with his parents before her.
Obviously the in laws are ready and willing to be very involved in their lives which would be fine if she could trust her spouse to make prudential choices with how their personal information is handled.
They shouldn't accept ANY money unless they are both equipped to handle the appropriate boundaries and responsibilities with accepting money.
Have the terms of accepting the money been made crystal clear before hand?
Do the parents know that they get no input on what exactly happens with the money? ---- My guess is that is a big NO. And my other guess is that this will be your next kerfuffle because husband and parents will have opinions on what to do with that money and you might be left out of the discussion feeling like your hands are tied because it really isn't your money.
Those are just some things to think about.
The in-laws may have hearts of gold but there will be problems if you can't trust your husband to deal with them appropriately.